


fermata

by kiholove



Series: kiho bingo [2]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: KiHo Bingo, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2018-11-14 05:44:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 73,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11201661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiholove/pseuds/kiholove
Summary: All Hoseok wanted, all he ever wanted, was for Kihyun to be safe.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> to avoid spoilers, i won't be including any specific warnings, but this story contains mature content that may be graphic and upsetting for some readers, so proceed at your own discretion.

Hoseok wakes much too early on a dreary, rainy morning, his body having given up trying to fall asleep and finally accepting the fact that it was just not gonna happen. The sky is colorless and the sun blocked by dark, bloated rain clouds that haven't quite yet spilled open, only drizzling little raindrops that occasionally escape and fall to the earth. The air is fogged and filled with static, like the atmosphere is irritated and snappish, and the pristine, white furniture and bed in Kihyun's bedroom, which normally remind Hoseok of a cloud from heaven when they sleep there together, look cold and lifeless in the gray light coming in from the open curtains. The room is silent save for Kihyun's soft breathing beside him, and while Hoseok normally finds that silence to be peaceful, something to cherish and revel in, right now it just feels like it's taunting him. After all, this situation is all his own fault. He has no one to blame except for himself. 

He hadn't really slept all night, maybe just hovered at the edge of sleep but never quite made it, his mind whirring all night with anxiety, like a twister of needles inside his head. Eventually, it had evolved from the all too detailed, terrifying thoughts and horrific scenarios into blind panic and a general feeling of dread that only grew more powerful as the night went on and he was consumed by his insomnia. 

As a result, he has what's probably one of the worst headaches in his life right now, his forehead in absolutely agony, his eyes feeling stretched and tight from forcing them closed all night and now, forcing them open. He feels empty, all used up and devoid of any remaining feeling, though he knows from experience that this is just his body's self-defense mechanism, just his mind attempting to protect him from the flood of emotions that are only barely being held back from bursting forth. 

It breaks his heart that his last memories of Kihyun's apartment, of Kihyun's bed, would be ones of inner torment and sadness. For so long, this had been Hoseok's refuge, his shelter from the cold, cruel world that he had gotten himself all tangled up and trapped in years ago. But he had made the difficult decision and now, after weeks of stalling, had come the time of reckoning. What had to be done had to be done, and it had to be done now. It's what's best, best for him and for Kihyun, Hoseok's most important person. 

Kihyun. Lovely Kihyun, so wise and so funny and so kind. So full of love and affection. Sweet, little Kihyunnie. What can he even say? There are no words that could describe what Kihyun means to him, no words that could accurately capture the way Kihyun holds on so tightly to Hoseok's heart. Kihyun is everything to Hoseok, so good and so pure, like a miracle, like a shining light in the dark and endless chasm that had become Hoseok's life and that he had always thought he would surely die in. Hoseok loves Kihyun with his entire being. 

They had met at the intersection of two completely different worlds: the dingy convenience store at the end of the block. Hoseok had been buying cigarettes and instant ramen; Kihyun had been buying strawberry milk and cupcake mix. They had immediately noticed and been drawn to each other, as if they were being pushed together by some metaphysical force, as if they had been waiting their whole lives to meet. Kihyun had been the bold one who had started the conversation, and they had connected instantly. It was like something out of a novel or movie; surely such a teeth-achingly sweet meeting couldn't really happen, couldn't be real. But it _was_ real, it was so, so very real. They had chatted, they had laughed, they had walked out of the store together, and they had made a date. 

From there, the rest was history, a blur of unbelievably wonderful memories. They had both fallen hard, and their time together felt like living in a dream. For Hoseok, being with Kihyun made the world seem brighter, softer, more colorful. Being with Kihyun made the world seem like it was a _good_ and _genuine_ world, not the dark, festering shitpit that Hoseok had been resigned to living in for as long as he could remember. 

They had been together now for almost a year, and had been recently talking about Hoseok moving into Kihyun's apartment. "You practically live here already anyway," Kihyun would say with that small, barely-there, _adorable_ smirk of his that always got Hoseok's heart racing in warm delight. "I mean...your stuff is literally _everywhere_." 

And Hoseok would smile, his mind briefly entertaining the beautiful notion of living with Kihyun, though he knew very well it could never happen. He could never live with Kihyun, could never _really_ be with him. But he would play along with Kihyun's fantasies about the future, if only because he would do anything to see Kihyun's smile, and the way his eyes would light up when he talked about them spending their lives together. He would play along even when, in his heart, he knew that Kihyun deserved better than just fantasies. Kihyun deserved a life and someone who could give it to him. 

Hoseok looks down at the sleeping figure beside him. Though they normally liked to spoon, last night they had fallen asleep face-to-face, Kihyun curled up with his face nestled in Hoseok's bare chest. Even now, Hoseok can feel the soft puffs of breath as Kihyun exhales over Hoseok's trembling, broken heart. Hoseok feels the sorrow pounding at the backs of his eyes, the barricade in his mind weakening as he looks down at Kihyun's delicate features. His gaze lingers on Kihyun's eyelashes, his sharp, pointed nose, his pink, pouty lips, slightly open, the faint flush on his round, soft cheeks. It's times like this that Hoseok truly believes that Kihyun is an angel, and that not even someone like Hoseok could ever dim his glow. 

They're both completely naked underneath the soft covers of Kihyun's bed, their legs tangled together under the sheets, their bodies warm. They had made love last night, and Kihyun had had no idea, but Hoseok had known that it would be their last time. He had kissed slowly all over Kihyun's body, wanting to burn every inch of it into his memory, and then had held Kihyun so carefully in his arms as he gently pushed inside of him, their foreheads pressed together, Kihyun clutching onto Hoseok's shoulders and wrapping his legs around Hoseok's waist. Kihyun's moans had been so sweet and soft, like cotton candy; Hoseok can still hear them ringing in his ears. And the way that Kihyun had so willingly entrusted his soft, fragile little body to Hoseok. Hoseok, with his huge muscles and his rough edges and all of the lies on top of lies on top of lies, the sordid double life he led that Kihyun wasn't even aware of. The trust that Kihyun had in Hoseok, the trust that he _shouldn't_ have had, how he returned Hoseok's own overwhelming, deeply flawed, messy adoration with his own immaculate love. All of it, it all made Hoseok's heart pound and swell and break and burst, all at once. 

He had moved in and out of Kihyun smoothly, pleasure building inside the both of them like a warm, glowing sunrise, and his emotions had amplified more and more with each beautiful sound that Kihyun made, each reverent call of Hoseok's name like a glorious spark of electricity and an exquisite knife to the chest. It was always amazing, the two of them together like pure magic, but last night had been an almost spiritual connection of their bodies, the pleasure paramount and indescribable, waves and bursts of brilliant, spine-tingling ecstasy. 

And as they both came down from nearly simultaneous orgasm, so in sync as always, their bodies stuck together with sweat and come, Hoseok had started to cry. 

It was not the first time that Hoseok had cried during or after sex, but the other times, it had been because he had felt so lucky, so blessed to be with Kihyun and overwhelmed with happiness. This time, they were tears of despair because this time, he was hit with the reality that his relationship with Kihyun really _had_ been too good to be true, and that everything that had made it worth getting up every morning and facing the world was about to be ripped away from him in one fell swoop. Not only that...this would hurt Kihyun. This would hurt him _terribly_ , would leave a scar that might never fully heal. Hoseok would not only be destroying his own happiness, but the happiness of his beloved as well. 

These brutal realizations just kept coming and coming like punches to the stomach, and Hoseok had cried and cried and cried with Kihyun still right there lying underneath him, with Hoseok still inside of him. Hoseok's tears had fallen onto Kihyun's face like raindrops and Kihyun had reached up his little hands to rub Hoseok's cheeks, wipe away the tears with his thumbs. He had cooed and smiled fondly at Hoseok, all too used to Hoseok and his chaotic, uncontrollable emotions to even think that there might be something awfully, awfully wrong. 

Kihyun was even more beautiful post-coital, with full, red cheeks and puffy, wet lips and sparkling eyes full of love just for Hoseok, soft little breaths escaping from his lungs as his racing heart beat steadied. It had only made Hoseok cry even harder. And Kihyun, sweet, gentle Kihyun, had kept holding Hoseok's face between his hands, squeezing his cheeks with affection. 

Eventually, Hoseok had calmed down enough to slip out and roll off of Kihyun, and as Kihyun got out of bed and gently began to clean the both of them up, Hoseok's whole body had kept trembling. 

"Hoseok," Kihyun had whispered as he finlly crawled into bed beside him and pulled the covers over both of their naked bodies. He had curled up to Hoseok's side and rested his head on Hoseok's chest, then began to rub his hand up and down Hoseok's stomach. "That was incredible." 

Hoseok could only focus on the touch of Kihyun's fingers, so light and gentle on Hoseok's body. When Hoseok didn't respond, Kihyun had reached up for his face again and, without missing a beat, had pulled Hoseok down into a lovely, lovely kiss. For a moment, for one beautiful moment, all of Hoseok's despair was gone, and all there was, all there ever was and all there ever would be, was Kihyun's soft, sweet mouth, kissing him like he was the most precious thing in the world. It reminded Hoseok of their very _first_ kiss, all those months ago, back when things were better, when the future looked bright and full of promise. 

"I love you so much," Kihyun had said as he pulled away and the two of them locked eyes. 

"I love you too," Hoseok said, not looking away from Kihyun for even a second. "So much." 

Kihyun had curled up next to Hoseok then. Kihyun's body had been so warm and soft, and he had sighed in content as he drifted off to sleep within a few minutes. After a while, Hoseok had turned over to face him, and had watched Kihyun's sleeping face with fascination and fondness. 

Kihyun had looked so happy, and Hoseok had hoped that he would have only the sweetest dreams. 

Now, Hoseok gently moves out from under the covers, going as slowly and carefully as possible so as not to wake Kihyun. Once out of the bed, he places the covers back over Kihyun's body and leans down to give Kihyun a few soft kisses, one to his forehead and one to each of his cheeks. Kihyun's skin is smooth and dewy, and Hoseok's lips linger for a moment over Kihyun's lips. 

Every part of Hoseok wants nothing more than to crawl back under the covers, to wake Kihyun and make love to him again with rigor and passion, maybe forever. But he has to do this, he has to be strong, and so all he can do is swallow down the lump in his throat and blink away the tears in his eyes as he rips his gaze away from Kihyun's sleeping form. 

Hoseok dresses himself, not even paying attention to what he's putting on. He just wants to get out of there as soon as possible before he loses what little resolve he has left. As he begins to move around the bedroom, gathering up his belongings, he does everything he can to not look at Kihyun, because it will only make it more difficult to leave to see Kihyun there, sleeping and looking so beautiful and serene, the empty space in the bed calling out to Hoseok, Hoseok's imprint still faintly visible and likely still warm. 

Hoseok's not really sure why he tortured himself like this. He should've left in the middle of the night. Or, better yet, he should've never showed up at Kihyun's home (really, _their_ home) in the first place. But he had been selfish, and he had been panicked, and he had just wanted one last, perfect night spent with Kihyun. And also, perhaps, some small part of him had hoped that somehow, some way, he'd awaken to a different world, one where he wouldn't have to leave at all. 

Hoseok hears Kihyun stir a little and he freezes in place, praying to every god and every deity that Kihyun doesn't wake up. The heavens grant Hoseok mercy then, as all Kihyun does is let out a little moan before falling back into slumber, and Hoseok breathes a quiet sigh of relief. All he hopes at this point is that he can be long, long gone by the time Kihyun awakens and realizes what's happened, realizes that Hoseok is not there with him anyone, will never be there with him anymore. It's the only way that Hoseok will be able to live with himself; he needs his last glimpse of Kihyun to be one where Kihyun is happy, and at peace, warm and safe under the covers. 

Hoseok moves as quietly throughout the bedroom as he can, gathering up all of his essential items in his old, beat-up duffle bag. He just doesn't have the time or the space to take everything, with this all happening so suddenly. And there's really so much of his stuff spread throughout Kihyun's apartment, it really is like he had already moved in. It breaks his heart to know how this will hurt Kihyun, and it makes him hate himself. Even after he leaves, there will be so many reminders that he was here and a part of Kihyun's life. Kihyun will be in so much pain, will have to live through Hoseok leaving over and over again until he manages to get rid of all of Hoseok's stuff (if he even _wants_ to get rid of it). And then, even then, the pain will still be there, will never really go away. 

_But he'll be safe_ , Hoseok reminds himself. Kihyun will be safe because Hoseok will no longer be there, a threat to Kihyun's life like a lurking menace, like a corruption, like a disease.

Hoseok knows that Kihyun will certainly not give up without a fight. He'll look for Hoseok, do everything in his power to find him and will demand an explanation even as he begs Hoseok to return. That's just how Kihyun is, so brave and so loyal and so loving. That's why Hoseok will have to abandon his own, crappy apartment, will have to get rid of his cell phone, will have to ensure that there's no way that Kihyun can possibly contact him. It's the way it has to be, it's the only way that Hoseok can ensure Kihyun's safety. 

As Hoseok carefully packs up the last of his clothes and his toiletries, he hears Kihyun moving and his heart clenches and stops, his stomach dropping as Kihyun speaks in a soft voice, thick with sleep.

"Hoseok," Kihyun murmurs, "what are you doing up? Come back to me." 

And oh, how Hoseok so badly wants to. It's all his heart desires. He quivers and bites down onto his lower lip, doesn't turn around so Kihyun can't see the water building in his eyes. 

"Go back to sleep, Kihyunnie," he says, gently, doing everything he can to keep his voice from trembling. He leaves the bedroom before Kihyun has a chance to repsond, shutting the door behind him and hoping with all his heart that Kihyun is too dazed and won't follow him. 

But, it's Kihyun, and so, of course he follows Hoseok. Just as Hoseok is getting ready to open the front door to leave, not daring to look too carefully at anything around him (too much love, too many beautiful memories), the door to the bedroom slowly opens, and Hoseok can hear the soft patter of Kihyun's bare feet. 

"Hoseok," Kihyun says, his voice tinged with concern, and Hoseok knows now that he has completely and utterly fucked up. "What are you doing?" 

Hoseok gently drops his duffle bag to the floor and turns around to face Kihyun, immediately regretting it. It would've been so much easier to just slam the door and take off running. 

Kihyun has slipped on Hoseok's fluffy, white bathrobe. He's swimming in it, completely enveloped in the plush fabric that reaches down to his knees, the sleeves falling well past his little hands. He looks so tiny and delicate, his hair mussed up and his eyes droopy from sleep. He rubs his eyes with his knuckles and Hoseok is reminded of a small child waking in the middle of the night from a nightmare. Hoseok wants so badly to hug him, to take him into his arms and to never let go. 

"Kihyun," Hoseok starts, his voice low. He can't meet Kihyun's eyes; instead, he fixates on a spot just over Kihyun's shoulder. "I have to go." 

"Where are you going?" Kihyun asks, letting out a little yawn and looking at Hoseok, with soft, bright eyes. "Want me to come with you?" 

The thought of Kihyun coming with him, being pulled into Hoseok's dark, dirty, horrible world, makes Hoseok sick to his stomach. 

"No, Kihyunnie," Hoseok says, his chest tightening with grief. "I mean...I'm leaving."


	2. Chapter 2

There's a terrible, hollow silence that follows as Kihyun just stares at Hoseok with absolute confusion, as if unable to process or understand what Hoseok had just said. Surely, Kihyun is thinking that he must have misheard or must have misunderstood something. As the pieces fall into place, as the dots connect inside Kihyun's mind, Hoseok can see the shock, the hurt, the fear, and ten thousand other emotions flicker over Kihyun's face in a single instant, Kihyun standing there frozen like a deer in headlights. Hoseok watches, helpless, as Kihyun's happiness comes crashing down before his eyes, shattering like a tower of glass. 

When Kihyun finally opens his mouth to speak, his voice comes out so tiny and so quiet that it makes Hoseok want to sink to his knees and weep. 

"W-what?" 

Hoseok takes a deep breath and looks down at the floor, at the soft, plush carpet that Kihyun had always loved so much to feel underneath his bare feet. The one that Hoseok had picked out just for the two of them.

"I'm leaving, Kihyunnie," Hoseok repeats, using every ounce of strength to keep himself together. "This is goodbye." 

When Hoseok looks up again, he can see that all of the color has drained from Kihyun's face and yet, he's looking at Hoseok with desperation. He's heartbroken, but has an urgent need to understand. 

"What are you talking about?" Kihyun asks, his voice more determined even as it breaks off at the end. Something about him, his aura maybe, has grown frantic and fragile. He's looking at Hoseok with _dependency_ , like Hoseok will somehow fix everything. After all, it's his natural instinct to turn to Hoseok when things go wrong, he doesn't know anything else. Kihyun's not breathing, not moving, just keeps looking at Hoseok like Hoseok will save him, even though Hoseok is the one who's killing him. 

Then, Kihyun blinks, and suddenly his eyes are filled with water. 

Hoseok doesn't respond, can't respond. Tears fill up in his own eyes, pressure pounding in his head. They've always been able to communicate like this, without words, with just their eyes. 

There's more silence, and then Kihyun takes a step towards Hoseok, one hand reaching out for him. Hoseok takes a step back in response, wanting to turn and run from this and from Kihyun's intense, emotional gaze. 

Kihyun lowers his hand but doesn't look away from Hoseok for even a second. His eyebrows furrow and it feels like the whole universe is holding its breath. 

And then, with his eyes still fixed on Hoseok, Kihyun starts to cry. 

He's still and he's silent, unmoving, his expression unchanged, but the tears are coming out fast, falling down his cheeks so gently like little crystals. He looks so _beautiful_ , beautiful but ripped open, vulnerable and devastated. Kihyun has always been so pretty when he cries, and yet, to Hoseok, it's truly a terrible sight. It's the worst thing that Hoseok has even seen. 

"I...I don't understand," Kihyun says. His voice is steady but has no strength; it comes out like a whisper. He's still crying like he won't ever stop. 

At that moment, Hoseok feels the wall inside his mind, the one that's holding back his emotions, completely crumble to dust. He breathes in and when he breathes out again, he sobs, and thick tears spill out like pouring rain. And unlike Kihyun, Hoseok is not a pretty crier. Instead, it's like a dam has burst inside of him, his body flooded with grief all over as he covers his eyes with his hands and cries with his entire being, his cheeks growing red and puffy as water streams down his face uncontrollably. 

Nothing happens for a few awful, _endless_ minutes as the two of them just stand there crying. Hoseok can feel Kihyun's gaze boring into him, and his shoulders tremble as the tears flow, his sorrow, his regret, his guilt all culminating and paralyzing him, rooting him to the spot. He cries without restraint, just like he had last night, and he can't seem to get any words to form in his mind, let alone come out of his mouth. 

It's not until he feels a gentle touch on his arm that Hoseok realizes that Kihyun has approached him again, his fingertips so light and sweet. Normally, Kihyun's touch would soothe Hoseok, would ground him and help him find peace, but right now, it burns, it _scalds_ , like something pure touching something wicked, scorching on contact. 

Hoseok rips his arm away and wails in defeat, his vision blurry with water and his chest aching as Kihyun lets out a little gasp of surprise. It hurts even more how Kihyun doesn't move away, doesn't back down. Hoseok doesn't deserve the trust that Kihyun has in him. 

"Hoseok...please," Kihyun says, and he's speaking so softly, like he's confronting a scared, wild animal. He's still crying, soft little trickles falling from deep, sorrowful eyes, beautiful and terrible and shredding Hoseok's heart into pieces. "Please tell me what's going on." 

Hoseok wipes his eyes with the backs of his hands, but it's no use, the tears just keep coming. He doesn't fight it this time when Kihyun reaches up and wipes Hoseok's cheeks with his thumbs, again reminiscent of what had happened last night. But the feeling is so different now, everything is different now. 

As Kihyun gently touches him, stroking his face and whispering sweet, comforting words, Hoseok lowers his arms to his sides and his eyes slip closed. He allows himself to enjoy Kihyun's soft touches for a few moments, breathing out a shaky sigh. He not only doesn't deserve Kihyun's trust, he doesn't deserve Kihyun's care, doesn't deserve Kihyun cherishing him like this, handling him so tenderly. Kihyun should be screaming at Hoseok, should be hitting him and throwing him out of the apartment, not loving him like this, not caring for him like he's precious. 

Hoseok takes another deep breath and, with some reluctance, moves his face away from Kihyun's hands. When he opens his eyes again, his gaze lands on Kihyun's and suddenly, he's trapped. He's swallowed up by the intensity, the emotion; he can't look away from Kihyun's tearful, loving sorrow. Hoseok sobs and starts crying even harder as he looks right into Kihyun's eyes. 

"Please, Hoseok," Kihyun tries again, his eyes fluttering as silent tears keep dripping from the edges of his long, dark eyelashes. "What is it? What's happening?" 

Kihyun won't give up on him, he's still waiting for an answer. Sweet Kihyunnie, endlessly patient and endlessly kind. He'll wait forever for Hoseok. Hoseok swallows down more sobs and finally finds his voice again, words thick with anguish. 

"There are...things you don't know about me," Hoseok chokes out, breaking their eye contact and looking down at the floor again. He bites down onto his lower lip in attempt to keep his voice steady. 

"Hoseok..." Kihyun starts. 

"I've lied," Hoseok continues, shaking his head in disbelief at himself and how awful a person he is, clenching his fists so hard that his fingernails dig painfully into his palms. "I've put you in danger." 

That's all Hoseok can manage before he's weeping again, hands returning to cover his face. And Kihyun, poor Kihyun is so scared and so confused. He pulls at Hoseok's arms, trying so desperately to get Hoseok to look at him again. 

"Hoseok...please, Hoseok," Kihyun begs, and now he's sobbing too. "P-please, just talk to me! It's okay. It will be okay." 

"No, Kihyunnie," Hoseok says, lowering his hands to look at Kihyun with grief, regret, sorrow, self-hatred, and despair all swirling around in his eyes. But there's also love there, intense, overwhelming, unconditional and boundless love. Hoseok loves Kihyun with all his heart. And doing this hurts, it hurts worse than anything he's ever experienced, but it's because he loves Kihyun more than anything, more than himself, that he has to do this.

He needs Kihyun to be free. Free, and happy, and safe...and far, far away from anyone who could hurt him. Far, far away from Hoseok. 

"You deserve better," Hoseok says, shaking as he wrenches himself from Kihyun's grasp. "And I don't deserve you." 

"Hoseok!" Kihyun begs, and Hoseok shakes his head before Kihyun can continue. 

"You don't understand," Hoseok says quickly, and he steps back further. They're standing too close right now and he can't take it, can't take being in Kihyun's warmth.

"Then help me understand!" Kihyun exclaims, moving forward and reaching again to grab at Hoseok's hand. "Please...just talk to me." 

Hoseok lets Kihyun hold onto his hand, play with Hoseok's fingers as he keeps quietly crying. 

"Why are you doing this?" Kihyun asks, his voice going soft again. "Can't you just tell me why?" 

Hoseok can't even speak now. He's too focused on the way Kihyun takes his hand between his own, rubbing over it carefully, still trying to get through to him. He can't meet Kihyun's eyes. 

"You don't have to leave," Kihyun says, his tears getting more intense. "You don't have to. Please just talk to me." 

Kihyun sobs and his voice becomes a little more forceful. He reaches a hand up to Hoseok's chin and lifts it gently to make Hoseok look him in the eyes, his own eyes looking so big and so full of fondness. 

"Please, Hoseok, tell me what's happening," Kihyun murmurs. "Whatever this is, we can work it out—" 

"We can't!" Hoseok yells, ripping his hand away and dying on the inside when Kihyun quickly withdraws his fingers and makes a tiny, frightened noise at Hoseok's sudden outburst. Hoseok wishes he really could die right now. He truly wants to be dead, would rather be dead than have to see Kihyun looking at him like this, like he stills loves Hoseok with everything he has. Kihyun swallows and blinks away fresh tears. 

"Please, Hoseok..." he repeats, voice softer but still firm, "don't do this. Please. Tell me what's going on." 

Hoseok can't take the sound of Kihyun's voice anymore. So earnest, so affectionate, so full of compassion and patience, even after Hoseok has ripped his heart out so brutally. Kihyun's voice has always been Hoseok's most favorite thing in the entire world and now...now it's just torture. It's torture because Hoseok knows it's not his to treasure anymore, and he doesn't deserve Kihyun speaking to him with such love. 

"Hoseok, please," Kihyun keeps begging, as if saying Hoseok's name enough times will get Hoseok to break, to stop being like this and to run right back into Kihyun's embrace where he belongs. And Kihyun's right; it probably will if this goes on any longer. Kihyun opens his mouth to speak again and takes another step forward and Hoseok decides that enough is enough. He has to end this and he has to end this now. 

His face still wet with tears, Hoseok shoves down all of his emotions, suppresses all of his feelings for just a moment, and in one, quick, fluid motion, pulls out the handgun he keeps tucked into the back of his waistband, the handgun that Kihyun doesn't know about. He lifts it up with two hands wrapped around the handle and points it forward, right at the center of Kihyun's chest, his heart tearing itself in half at how Kihyun's eyes widen in response, half shock and half terror. 

"H-hoseok," Kihyun whispers, eyes fluttering with disbelief, more crystalline tears. "W-why do you have a gun?" 

Hoseok doesn't respond, just keeps pointing the gun forward, even as his hands shake and fresh tears stream down his own face. 

"Go back into the bedroom, Kihyun," he says, voice low and quiet even as he can feel his emotions quickly rising back to the surface, not to be contained for long. 

Kihyun just stares at him, doesn't move an inch, doesn't falter even as he's starring down the barrel of a loaded gun. Instead, he looks up, away from the gun, and looks right into Hoseok's eyes again. He looks so determined, so strong, so brave. 

He takes another small step towards Hoseok, towards the gun pointed right at his heart. 

"You would never hurt me," Kihyun says, his voice steady and calm. 

And there's that trust. That unwavering, absolute trust. Hoseok's heart breaks all over again. 

"You're right," Hoseok says quietly. 

He sighs and lowers the gun for a moment, holding it now in one hand. Then, he raises it up to point at his own temple, and Kihyun lets out a choked, whimpering sort of noise in response. 

"Go back into the bedroom," Hoseok repeats, and this time, pointing the gun at himself, his hand is completely still. Solid. Resolute.

A beat of silence passes. And then, Kihyun starts to cry harder than Hoseok has ever seen him cry. His cheeks grow dark red and his whole body trembles; it's loud and it's wet and he's crying so hard he can't even speak. He begs Hoseok with his eyes. 

"Do what I said," Hoseok continues, pressing the barrel into his temple, the metal cold and hard on his hot skin. "And don't come after me." 

Kihyun keeps sobbing, shaking, his face soaked and tears rolling down his cheeks onto the floor. But even so, he still doesn't back down, won't look away or take a step back. He shakes his head in defiance. 

"Hoseok!" he yells, finally able to speak. "You don't have to do this!" 

They stand there in an intense stare-down, neither one moving an inch or giving an inch, trapped together in a still moment in time. 

"Hoseok, please," Kihyun says, his voice growing soft again and his tears still going strong. His eyes are so big and so wet and so beautiful, like they contain the universe, and Hoseok is so hypnotized, can't look away even as he presses the gun harder into his temple. 

Hoseok feels numb inside, empty, holding back everything as he tries to steady his hand. But no matter how hard he tries, his hand is still shaking, everything's shaking, everything except Kihyun. Kihyun is still there, hoping and believing in Hoseok with his whole heart. 

"Hoseok..." Kihyun murmurs. 

Hoseok's steadies as he steels himself for what needs to be done. 

"Please..." 

Hoseok's fingers find the trigger and wrap around it. He's careful, delicate. 

"Hoseok!" Kihyun screams, sobbing. 

Hoseok closes his eyes and sighs softly, like a whisper. He starts to squeeze. 

And Kihyun, Kihyun cries out loudly in anguish. He finally, _finally_ gives in; Hoseok hears him rush back into the bedroom and slam the door. 

Hoseok stands still for a few seconds, taking deep, trembling breaths as he lowers the gun. He really can't stop crying, wonders if he'll ever be able to stop crying. Eventually, he's able to open his eyes and blink away enough of the water that he can at least see. He'll need to be able to see for this next part.

As he regains his bearings, he tries his best to ignore Kihyun's screams, Kihyun's hysterical, devastated crying just on the other side of the bedroom door. He feels all chewed up and destroyed, like there's nothing left of him, like he's leaving everything behind, his life an empty shell without purpose. He has no strength left, no reason to even keep breathing. Nonetheless, his body continues moving on autopilot, and he tucks the handgun back into his waistband, then picks up his duffle bag, leaves the apartment while he's still _goddamn crying_ , moving wherever his feet decide to take him. 

He's not sure where he'll go, where he even _can_ go. He definitely can't go back to his own apartment, can't go anywhere Kihyun might find him. He may have gained himself a head-start, but he knows that Kihyun will never, _ever_ give up looking for him. And Hoseok has to make sure that, no matter what, Kihyun will never, _ever_ find him. 

As Hoseok crosses the street and runs far away from Kihyun's apartment, the place that had been his treasured home and treasured life for so long, he wanders to the address of an old friend, one whom he hasn't spoken to in a long, long time. And Hoseok can't _believe_ how much he's still crying. 

He doesn't stop crying for the rest of the night, and for three days after that.


	3. Chapter 3

It's been four days since Hoseok left Kihyun, four long, agonizing days, and Hoseok thinks he may have finally run out of tears. 

His body aches from sleeping on the couch for so long, though what he had been doing could barely be called sleeping, more like drifting in and out of vivid, spine-chilling nightmares of Kihyun lying on the ground, dead, with a bloody face and bullet holes in his chest. Hoseok's stomach is all twisted up from lack of food (he's barely eaten at all) and he hasn't showered or done much besides use the bathroom a few times. 

He feels like there's nothing left of himself. His soul is gone, or his spirit, whatever was in there, and now he's just a body, going through the motions, not even sure why he's bothering to keep himself alive, not sure why he's still holding on to his pathetic little life now that the only thing that had made it worth living is gone, ripped away by his own hand. 

And now, he can't even cry anymore, though his head pounds and eyes ache with the overwhelming pressure of his grief. He still feels like crying, wants so badly to weep in anguish, but at this point, it's like his body is finally telling him that enough is enough, and he's only capable of producing dry, heaving sobs. 

It's like the whole word has stopped, frozen all around him. He hasn't been outside and the weather hasn't changed, still just as gray and gloomy as it had been. Hoseok feels like he's somehow gotten himself trapped in a time loop, stuck in the same horrible day forever and ever, for all eternity. The only thing that assures him that any time has passed at all is that he just keeps feeling worse and worse, worse than he ever thought he was even capable of feeling, just lying there on the couch for hours on end trapped in a vortex of despair, loneliness, guilt, self-hatred, regret, and unbearable pain. 

Four days ago, Hoseok had run from Kihyun's apartment and found himself heading towards the address of Son Hyunwoo, a friend of his from childhood who had been living at the same quiet little two-bedroom for years now. They hadn't seen each other in a long while, but had kept in touch and had even been planning to meet up and reconnect at some point. Hyunwoo had a sweet, gorgeous girlfriend whom he was probably going to marry soon, and Hoseok had been dying for months to introduce them to Kihyun. But, of course, that would never happen now. 

Nonetheless, Hoseok knew that Hyunwoo would help him, would let him stay there as long as he needed and wouldn't ask any questions until Hoseok was ready to talk about it (if ever). That was the kind of friend that Hyunwoo was, and the kind of friendship they shared. They had both been cut from the same cloth—juvenile delinquents—and had both sought refuge in the dark and dirty underground world of organized crime. They had been through a lot together, stepped through hell together. 

The only difference between them was that Hyunwoo had gotten out, escaped the life three years ago when it was still possible to escape.

And now, while Hoseok is still the same piece of useless garbage that he's always been, undeserving of love or happiness, Hyunwoo has become an upstanding citizen, a business man with a good job, a nice apartment, a nice girlfriend, and a nice, normal life. Hoseok knew it was wrong to be but he was so, so terribly jealous, deep in his heart and in his gut. Hyunwoo had everything that Hoseok had ever wanted, he had a real life. 

As teenagers, back when they were both vulnerable and hopeless and desperate for money, they had been recruited by the same organized crime family, the oldest, largest, and most powerful family in the city. They had both had a lot of anger back then, raw hatred and a general rage at the society that had so brutally kept them down and abused them for so long; they had had no proper job or proper schooling or any real future prospects to apply their energy towards. They had been malleable, easily influenced and manipulated, and they had been brainwashed into absolute loyalty to the family boss. 

The two of them had done whatever dirty work needed to be done for the sake of the family, whether it be drug-dealing, underground weapons sales, managing the family's many prostitution rings, bribing the police, fixing elections, whatever the boss asked of them. Hoseok alone had seen and done so many terrible things, but for a long while, it had seemed like the only choice. 

Upon recruitment, they had been promised money, cars, girls, whatever their hearts desired. And it had been good, at first. Though they had never asked nor wanted any of that flashy, unnecessary stuff, they had been so grateful just to have a place to stay, food in their bellies each night, and someone looking out for their survival (even if it was for completely selfish purposes; they really were just tools to their boss, after all). 

As the family gained more power and influence, more money started coming in until they were all living like kings with their expensive suits, expensive cars, and expensive prostitutes (though Hoseok and Hyunwoo had never partaken in that particular aspect of the life). The family had gradually gained control of most of the city's nightclubs and casinos, and had turned countless cops, government officials, and even hospital workers dirty to the point that they would turn the other cheek if any of the family's activities crossed their path. 

Needless to say, at the time Hyunwoo had left, the family had been quite well off. But as time had gone on and Hoseok had gotten used to working alone, things had started to take a turn for the worse. More crime families had emerged to compete with their own, and the boss had begun tightening restrictions, cracking down on disloyalty and disallowing any serious outside contact or activity. The crime family became something of a cult, more than just a place to work and live but something that the members were expected to devote absolute loyalty to, to devote their entire lives to. They were expected to die for the family if needed, to happily throw themselves in front of any bullet or on top of any bomb. 

And the jobs had gotten much, _much_ worse, far beyond what Hoseok had thought he had signed up for. He had moved up quite far in the family at that point, was quite the valuable asset to the boss, and so his responsibilities had become greater and his loyalty and commitment to the family constantly tested. His jobs became increasingly violent, increasingly upsetting and traumatic to Hoseok's moral sensibilities. Drug-dealing and bribery were one thing; being asked to threaten people, to hurt people was another. Hoseok had even killed when asked, more than once. 

But Hoseok had nothing, had no one outside of the family and so, he was trapped. He did what he had to do to survive, did whatever abominable, depraved task was asked of him. And Hoseok had always known that he would never be able to escape; he knew too much, had seen too much, and if he ever even thought about leaving, he'd be executed without mercy. That was the kind of man the boss was, a cruel, ruthless, _evil_ man, and that was the kind of family Hoseok had become a part of. Not a family at all, but a following of monsters, of _demons_ who were willing to do unspeakable things for power, for money, for no other reason than a sadistic desire to make the world around them a rotten, wretched place. 

While seeking refuge and a chance to live, Hoseok had unwittingly stumbled into the depths of hell. 

And maybe...maybe he deserved to be there. After all, he had stuck with the family for so long, even though he had always known that they were a despicable group of people. Why hadn't he tried to leave sooner? Why hadn't he realized, why hadn't he fully appreciated the magnitude and the horror of what he had gotten himself involved in, the people he had gotten himself involved with? These were the kinds of questions that kept him awake for nights on end. 

Things had been especially tense in the past few months as two other rival families, nearly of the same caliber and influence, had begun to make moves on their family's territory. Their family was strong and powerful, but that didn't mean they didn't take threats to their dominance seriously. The bosses of the three families had arranged a temporary truce, but Hoseok knows better, knows that an all-out war between the three families is inevitable. 

It's a horrible place to be stuck, a horrible situation to be all tangled up in, caught between certain death at the hands of his own boss and certain death in the midst of a turf war between three powerful crime families. Hoseok had been well aware for a long time of how hopeless his situation was, and he had accepted it, resigned himself to it, knew that he was destined for a wretched life and a violent, bloody death. 

For a while, Hoseok hadn't had much will to live left in him, and so he had taken on a sort of cold, emotionless existence, completing his assignments as quickly and efficiently as possible so as to not give his naturally gentle heart time to protest, resolved to move forward until the bitter end, until the last day of his miserable, shitty life for no other reason than that he didn't know what else he could possibly do. Well, that last part wasn't entirely true. Hoseok knew that he could kill himself, and he thought about it often. 

But then, about a year ago, Hoseok had met Kihyun, had fallen in love with him, and something had changed. 

Suddenly, Hoseok had a reason to live, a beautiful, good, shining beacon of hope who loved him and believed in him. In Kihyun, Hoseok had a reason to escape, to finally get out and to have the kind of life that he had always wanted. 

And so, Hoseok had been trying for months to slowly ease himself out. He'd taken less jobs, groomed new recruits for the types of responsibilities he had carried, and had distanced himself from the boss and the inner circle. He had been hoping with all his heart that the boss might have one shred of mercy, one shred of gratitude for all of Hoseok's years of hard work and complete loyalty, and had hoped that maybe the boss would grant him safe exit with the trust that Hoseok would never speak a word of their activities to anyone, would completely dissociate as if he was never there in the first place. 

Hoseok had thought that surely, the boss must have some ounce of humanity left in him to let Hoseok go free. After everything he done for him and for the family, Hoseok thought he had certainly earned it. 

But before Hoseok had had the chance to discuss his exit, before he had even worked up the courage to arrange a meeting with the boss, something had happened, an incident so grotesque and horrifying that all of Hoseok's meager, pathetic little hopes had evaporated on the spot. 

And when it had happened, Hoseok had realized that no, there was no humanity, no mercy to be found in their boss, and that Hoseok would never, _ever_ be able to leave. It was on that night that the boss had reiterated, brutally, that there was _no_ getting out, that if you joined the family, you were with the family for life, that the family was everything, that loyalty and secrecy and dedication were everything. 

Hoseok knew that if the boss ever found out about Kihyun, if the boss discovered that Hoseok had something so precious to him outside of the family, then there would be consequences. Kihyun would be executed, right in front of him, in the most horrific, devastating way possible, and Hoseok would be next, and both of their bodies would be dumped into the river, like garbage, like nothing more than garbage. 

It was then, after weeks of denial and desperately trying to think of some other way, Hoseok knew with absolute certainly that he had to leave, he had to get himself as far away from Kihyun as possible. 

And Hoseok really hated himself upon that realization, because apparently it hadn't been enough that he had been lying about his job and his life, deceiving his beloved who had always been so open and honest with him. No, it wasn't until Hoseok became a threat to Kihyun's very life that he was finally able to see how cursed he was, how easily he had spread his own curse to someone he cared so much for. If Hoseok was meant to be trapped in this hell until the day he died, so be it, but he would never let that happen to Kihyun. Not a chance. 

Hoseok hadn't meant for his leaving to turn out so chaotic, so messy and disastrous. But the universe hates him, and so, of course, it wasn't enough that he had to leave Kihyun; no, it had to happen in the most painful, awful, heartwrenching way possible for both of them. Things had gone more terribly than he ever could've even imagined. 

At this point, Hoseok is just thankful that Kihyun will be safe, and thankful that Hyunwoo is still willing to help him after all this time. He's letting Hoseok stay on his couch and eat his food (what little he had eaten), use his water and his electricity, occupy his space without any expectation of a return. Hyunwoo is a true, altruistic soul; he had never belonged in the disgusting world that they had come from, and Hoseok thinks that's why he was able to get out. The universe had wanted Hyunwoo out, had known that he didn't really belong there. 

But Hoseok, Hoseok belongs there like the scum, loser, waste-of-space he is and always has been. And that's why he'll never get out, he isn't meant to. 

As he sits up on the couch and his head spins from dehydration and insomnia, Hoseok decides that he's been taking advantage of Hyunwoo's unconditional kindness long enough, and that it's finally time to explain why he's here, and what he plans to do next. Hoseok owes that to Hyunwoo, at the very, very least. 

Hoseok thinks he's finally ready to talk.


	4. Chapter 4

Hyunwoo returns to his apartment early in the evening with his arms full of groceries, tired but content to be home after a long day at the office. The monotonous, 9-5 lifestyle that Hyunwoo now leads would cause any regular person to fall into an existential crisis, to feel that their life has become mundane and meaningless, but Hyunwoo loves it, feels like every normal, uneventful day is an absolute blessing. Hyunwoo still can't quite believe the life he has now, had never thought there would come a day when he'd get to have a peaceful, quiet, wonderfully _boring_ life. 

He closes the door behind him and flicks on the kitchen light, immediately noticing that his guest has left the couch in the living room, the spot that he'd refused to leave for the past four days. The blanket and pillow that he had been using are neatly folded and arranged at one end of the couch, and Hyunwoo smiles to himself, because that has to be a good sign, right? 

Hyunwoo leaves his keys and wallet on the kitchen counter and begins to put away his groceries just as Hoseok emerges from the bathroom, freshly showered with only a towel wrapped around his hips as steam spills out into the hallway behind him. He looks much better now than he had when Hyunwoo had left the house that morning, his pale skin flushed with healthy color from the heat of the shower, his hair clean and shiny. Something about his steps, his movements, makes Hyunwoo sense that Hoseok might be feeling better too, at least somewhat, and that he had washed away some of what was obviously something awful (he still hasn't given Hyunwoo many details about why he'd shown up here in the first place). 

Hyunwoo is just relieved that Hoseok is starting to look normal again, more like a living person and less like a zombie. He had cried so much those first few days, almost nonstop, what seemed like every molecule of grief pouring out of him, and Hyunwoo had done his best to comfort him, then had done his best to give him space, then had done his best to just keep him alive, every day a struggle, Hyunwoo always worried about what he might come home to find. 

Hoseok blinks as he steps into the kitchen, his eyes looking more alert than they have since he stumbled to Hyunwoo's door and begged for a few nights on his couch, no questions. Of course, Hyunwoo had agreed and didn't push Hoseok to talk, but that didn't mean he didn't wonder and worry for his friend. They hadn't spoken in months, after all, and Hyunwoo really had no idea what was going on in Hoseok's life at this point that could cause him such anguish. Hyunwoo and Hoseok share a past, and Hyunwoo knows all about the kind of life Hoseok leads. For him to be this upset by something, it would have to be very, very serious indeed. His eyes may be brighter, but they're still lined by shadows, dark circles from exhaustion, something sad and broken swirling around in their depths. 

"Wow, I can't believe it," Hyunwoo says with mock surprise as Hoseok walks into the kitchen and greets Hyunwoo with a nod. "You're finally up. I thought that I was going to have to buy one of those plastic tubs that people use to wash their dogs and give you a sponge bath right in the middle of my living room." 

Hoseok chuckles, his eyes fixated on Hyunwoo's purchases, and Hyunwoo can tell that he's only now realizing how hungry he is; four days without a proper meal will certainly do that to you. Thankfully, Hyunwoo has just the thing for that, some of Hoseok's favorite instant ramen, when he's ready. 

"I would have done it, for the record," Hyunwoo continues, turning away from Hoseok to put away a few things in the refrigerator. "But I think it probably would've been pretty uncomfortable for the both of us." 

When he turns back around, Hoseok is gripping the edge of the kitchen table and leaning forward, looking to be deep in thought, his eyes focused on some random spot in space even as he gives Hyunwoo a weak smile in response. Hyunwoo watches the droplets of water still trailing down Hoseok's body, dripping onto Hyunwoo's expensive hardwood floor. Normally, he'd tell Hoseok to go dry off before one of them slips and falls, or worse, before the wood gets damaged. But right now, Hyunwoo will let Hoseok do whatever he wants. Walk around naked, drip water everywhere, whatever he needs to recover from...whatever this is. Hoseok is gripping the edge of the table so hard that his knuckles are white with tension, his eyebrows furrowed like he's on the verge of shattering into a thousand pieces. 

"How are you feeling?" Hyunwoo asks, carefully, turning away again to continue organizing his groceries, giving Hoseok plenty of space, plenty of breadth so that he won't feel trapped or forced to talk in such an unstable state; Hyunwoo doesn't want to ruin the progress that Hoseok's made from being nearly comatose for four days. "You still haven't told me what this is all about, and I'd like to help you if I can." 

Hyunwoo pauses for a moment and turns back to face Hoseok, and Hoseok looks up. Their eyes meet and Hyunwoo smiles, as gently as possible. It feels strange, having to tiptoe around Hoseok like this. He'd seen Hoseok kill men twice his size with his bare hands and yet, right now, it feels like they're kids again, vulnerable, innocent, afraid, way back before all of the shit started. 

"I mean...help you in some other way besides just letting you stay here and do whatever you want, including stink up my couch for four days without a shower," Hyunwoo says, his eyes twinkling and he knows from Hoseok's tiny smile that Hoseok appreciates it, being joked to and spoken to like a normal person, like a friend, not _entirely_ treaded around, not treated with _too_ much caution or trepidation. That'll only make Hoseok feel worse, like he's a burden, and then he might close up completely. 

"It's Kihyun," Hoseok says, quietly. 

_Ah_ , Hyunwoo thinks, but doesn't say anything, not wanting Hoseok to feel like he has to talk if he doesn't want to. Hyunwoo keeps moving around so that Hoseok won't feel pressured to continue, though, of course, Hyunwoo is dying to know what happened. The two of them had seemed so happy together, Hoseok had always seemed so _happy_ when he talked about Kihyun. Hyunwoo had been so sure that Hoseok had finally found the one for him, the one great love of his life. Hyunwoo had never met Kihyun, but from what Hoseok had told him, he had sounded like a really wonderful person. 

At Hyunwoo's silence, Hoseok releases his grip from the edge of the table and moves to pull out one of the chairs, the wood squeaking on the floor as he pulls it back slowly, and he sits down with a deep sigh coming up from the bottom of his chest. Once seated, he folds his arms on the table in front of him and stares down at the tabletop, doesn't say a word. Hyunwoo takes this as a cue to make something hot for both of them to drink and to talk over. 

"Tea? Coffee?" Hyunwoo asks, opening the cabinet where he keeps his large collection of mugs. 

"Coffee," Hoseok says, tapping his fingers on the tabletop, humming low in his throat. He's mostly dry now, thankfully, so Hyunwoo figures it isn't too damaging to the furniture for him to be sitting there in just a towel. And, even if it was, Hyunwoo wouldn't really care, not really. Sure, he's worked hard for every aspect of his new life, including his nice, boring furniture, but Hoseok is his oldest and closest friend; he'd ruin everything he owned, burn his beloved apartment to the ground if it would help Hoseok to feel better. 

Neither of them speaks as Hyunwoo prepares the coffee, strong and bitter and piping hot the way both of them like it, the way that wakes up every cell in the body. When he's finished, Hyunwoo sets one of the mugs down in front of Hoseok and sets the other down on the opposite side of the table, a thick, pleasant steam rising from both. As Hyunwoo sits down, Hoseok takes a sip and Hyunwoo can see a little bit of life returning to his eyes, his gaze focused and earnest. 

Hyunwoo takes his first sip and pauses, then begins, "I remember the last time I talked to you, you and Kihyun had just started dating. Must have been nearly a year ago?" 

Hoseok nods, and Hyunwoo can see something warm pass through his eyes at the mention of Kihyun's name. Hyunwoo can't help but smile, because he knows love when he sees it. 

"You were always so crazy about him, even back then," Hyunwoo says, sipping his coffee. Hoseok looks so sad, so heartbroken, and Hyunwoo can completely empathize, because he knows he'd be completely torn-up inside, absolutely ruined if Bora ever broke up with him. Hoseok sighs again and sips his coffee, not making eye contact and looking down at his fingers wrapped around the mug. 

"The way you showed up here, and how you've been the past few days...I thought someone had died," Hyunwoo continues, trying his best to keep things as light as possible, relieved that all of this was just a bad breakup and not something much worse, though Hoseok looks like he could start crying again at any moment. Despite the life he lives and the iron grit he possesses that Hyunwoo has witnessed firsthand, Hoseok has always been emotional, always been sensitive and compassionate, with a huge, bleeding heart that he always wears on his sleeve. 

"That little guy must have really done a number on you," Hyunwoo says, and Hoseok smiles sadly, still looking down at the table. 

"Actually," Hoseok says, "I broke up with _him_. He was devastated." 

"Oh," Hyunwoo replies, eyebrows raising in surprise. "You want to talk about it?" 

"I didn't want to do it," Hoseok clarifies. "It killed me. But I did it to protect him." 

He pauses and runs his hands up and down the coffee mug, thinking hard, considering his own words. Hyunwoo is burning with a million different questions, but he wants to give Hoseok the chance to speak freely himself. It's the best thing for him, as Hyunwoo has learned after their many years of friendship. Hoseok is the type that needs to vent to get past his worries; he needs someone to share his feelings with. He's never been able to keep things bottled up or pushed down, has always needed comfort from another, and Hyunwoo has always tried to be there to provide it. But Hoseok has never been this upset before. He seems unable to even put his grief into words, and Hyunwoo has no idea where to even begin to help him. 

"Of course you're not really involved in anything anymore," Hoseok continues, "but surely, somewhere through the grapevine, you heard about what happened right? With...you know..." 

Hoseok pauses again, looks right into Hyunwoo's eyes, really _looks_ , and suddenly, Hyunwoo understands what Hoseok is talking about. Hyunwoo _had_ heard about it, whispers from his acquaintances, though it had seemed too gruesome to be real, seemed like some distant nightmare, and his stomach clenches at the thought, his blood running cold. 

"Yes, I heard," Hyunwoo says, and it all makes sense now, why Hoseok would end things with Kihyun. If Hoseok had actually been there, actually witnessed that horrifying scene with his own eyes, then it's no wonder. Hyunwoo would've done the same thing. 

"Then you understand why I had to do it," Hoseok says, voicing Hyunwoo's thoughts aloud and looking back down into his mug of coffee, barely touched even as Hyunwoo is nearly finished with his. "That doesn't mean it wasn't the worst day of my life though." 

Hoseok goes quiet again, and Hyunwoo doesn't say anything, just stays put providing company and silent support for Hoseok while he tries to find the strength to open up. 

They had both had terrible families growing up, tough lives at home. Hyunwoo's parents had been physically abusive, and Hoseok's had been neglectful, too obsessed with getting high to pay attention to their troubled son. Hyunwoo and Hoseok had both been driven to the life of crime because of their circumstances, and it was almost like their lives had already been decided, that their lives were already _over_ from the day they were born because of what they had been born _into_. They had only ever known darkness, the worst of humanity. They had both had to grow up and to learn to take care of themselves very quickly, but it helped to have someone to share the burden with. Hoseok had done it countless times for Hyunwoo, and Hyunwoo for Hoseok, and Hyunwoo knows all too well that just having someone listen to you, just having someone on your side for once, actually caring for your wellbeing, could do so much, even if nothing changed about the situation. 

"You know, the night Kihyun and I met," Hoseok says, suddenly, "I had been planning to kill myself?" 

At that, Hyunwoo chokes on his coffee, feels like his body has been drenched in ice. 

"You could've come to me," Hyunwoo says quickly, horrified. Hoseok had said it so abruptly, so casually. And the thought that Hoseok hadn't come to him, that Hoseok might've just left the world all alone and feeling like he had nothing and nobody left to live for, makes Hyunwoo feel sick, feel like a total failure as a friend. 

"You were _out_ ," Hoseok replies, "and you were so happy with Bora. You were talking about proposing soon, about finding a house together, moving somewhere nice. Things were going so well for you, I didn't want to ruin it with my problems." 

At that, Hyunwoo reaches across the table and pats Hoseok's arm until Hoseok looks up and looks him in the eye again. 

"Hey," Hyunwoo says, firmly, "you can _always_ come to me, no matter what, okay? I left the family, but I didn't leave my friend. I didn't leave _you_ , okay? Don't you ever think that you can't come to me." 

Hoseok nods, curling in on himself and lowering his hands to his lap. After a few tense, silent moments, he continues. 

"That night," Hoseok says, "Kihyun...he saved me." 

Hoseok smiles, and it's a _real_ smile, gentle and glowing, his eyes sparkling, and it's like he's taking a breath for the first time since he's gotten there. As Hyunwoo is quickly beginning to learn, this is what Hoseok looks like when he thinks of Kihyun, a massive departure from the angry Hoseok of their teenage years and the hard, ruthless Hoseok of the past few. Hoseok squeezes his hands around his coffee mug, his thoughts elsewhere again, to fond memories, and Hyunwoo is silent, silent and patient, not wanting to break Hoseok out of this spell. Hoseok needs this, he needs to talk, and he needs Hyunwoo to just listen. 

"Kihyun was just so...so _good_ ," Hoseok continues. "Like an angel." 

Hyunwoo understands the feeling perfectly; it's the same way that he feels when he thinks about Bora. Even in his darkest, most hopeless moments, thinking of Bora is like...it's like medicine, like magic filling him up with warmth and vitality and hope and genuine belief in a beautiful world. 

"With Kihyun it was like...it was like I found a part of myself that I was always missing," Hoseok says. He glances up at Hyunwoo and laughs, sadly, before continuing. "Kihyun and I, we even have the same blood type. Crazy, right?" 

Hoseok's voice is starting to shake, and Hyunwoo can see his eyes becoming wet with tears again. But he lets Hoseok keep talking, Hoseok looking down to stare at the table as he thinks of Kihyun, and Hoseok's hands tremble, still wrapped around his mug. 

"I would've done anything for him, _anything_ ," Hoseok says, voice growing thick. "I _would_ do anything for him, even now, if he needed it, if there was some way I could help him. But now, I can't even talk to him, I can't even see him. I just can't stop thinking about how maybe, in another life, we could've been together." 

Hoseok manages to contain himself, doesn't cry this time, but his breath is shaky and his eyes are red, bloodshot, so tired. He leans back in his chair and lowers his hands to his lap, exhausted. He doesn't speak for a few moments as he fights the pressure behind his eyes. 

Finally, he looks up at Hyunwoo again from underneath his eyelashes. "You got smokes?" he asks. 

Hyunwoo nods and gets up from the table, goes over to the kitchen drawer where he always keeps an emergency pack and a lighter. He'd once been a heavy smoker, everyone was in their dark little world. It helped you to deal with the carnage and horror of it all, helped you grow numb to it. But Bora had been helping Hyunwoo to quit, and he had for the most part, though once in a while he would give in when he really needed it, like Hoseok does now. Hoseok still smokes like a chimney, and Hyunwoo doesn't blame him. 

Hyunwoo pulls a cigarette from the pack and tosses it to Hoseok, who catches it and sticks it in his mouth, then leans forward as Hyunwoo lights it for him. Then, Hoseok sits back again and takes a long, deep drag, closing his eyes as he breathes out a thick puff of smoke. It curls out from the end and crawls up to the ceiling, and before he returns to his seat, Hyunwoo goes to open the windows in the kitchen for the smoke to escape outside. He doesn't particularly mind the cigarette smell, had grown so used to it over time that it now seemed like a natural part of the world, but he doesn't think they need any complaining neighbors interrupting them right now. 

Hyunwoo returns to his seat and there are a few more moments of silence, Hoseok smoking and deep in thought, Hyunwoo watching him, patiently waiting for him to continue talking if he wants to. And if he doesn't want to, Hyunwoo is just fine keeping him company, a strong, solid support. Hoseok's coffee has gone cold in front of him, only half-finished, Hoseok having chosen the numbing comfort of nicotine over the sharp warmth of caffeine. 

Eventually, Hoseok starts speaking again, eyes fixed on the burning ember at the end of the cigarette as he holds it between his index and middle fingers. He stares into the bright heat, the tiny red and yellow sparks, and frowns. Hyunwoo's hands are warm wrapped around the mug of coffee still sitting in front of him, and he grips it tightly as Hoseok continues. 

"When I think about the life we could have had together," Hoseok says, "I just..." 

He pauses and takes another drag, breathing out more smoke, Hyunwoo watching his chest rise and fall as he breathes in and out, his eyes somber. 

"It doesn't seem worth it to go on without him," Hoseok says. 

Hyunwoo's chest burns and he reaches to touch Hoseok's arm, a simple, gentle touch. Hoseok looks up at him and they lock eyes, and Hyunwoo's heart breaks again. Hoseok looks defeated, empty and hopeless, no light left inside of him. 

"Hoseok," Hyunwoo says, softly. "You know Kihyun wouldn't want that." He doesn't break eye contact as he speaks, gaze firm. 

Hoseok looks down, ashamed and wrung out, and Hyunwoo removes his hand, leaning back in his chair. Hoseok takes another long drag and doesn't say anything for a while, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat as he swallows hard at Hyunwoo's words. Cars go by outside, and the sun has just about slipped beyond the horizon, nightfall nearly arrived. 

"I know," Hoseok says. "But I can't live like this anymore." 

"Then leave," Hyunwoo says. "Don’t give up. The opportunity will come along. You _can_ get out." 

"I just...I just don't think it's possible," Hoseok replies. "I don't think it's possible for _me_. It's not just that things are different now, I'm also just...I don't think I could ever completely erase what I've done." 

He looks terribly sad again, shakes his head as he takes another drag. 

"I want to be able to be with Kihyun one day, or at least, to see him again, even if he's moved on by the time I can return," Hoseok continues. "But more than anything, I want him to be safe, and I don't want him to have to carry the weight of my past. I'm the only one that should have to carry that." 

Hyunwoo sighs and looks down at his hands pressed onto the tabletop, his eyebrows knit in concentration as he chooses his next words very carefully. 

"Honestly, you're right," Hyunwoo says. "It's not possible to get out, not really." 

Hoseok looks at him, frowns in surprise. Hyunwoo takes a deep breath before he continues. 

"I still get calls sometimes, am still occasionally involved with things I'd rather not be involved with. I know full well that I'll always be a loose end no matter what I do, no matter how far I run. And I know that one day, somebody might come for me, and it'll be too late to stop it. It's true that our past, our choices will follow us for the rest of our lives, and sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, staying with Bora when I could still be a danger to her, her having to live with what I've done, from where I've come from as much as I live with it every day." 

He looks up again and Hoseok is looking right at him, his gaze unwavering and the cigarette clutched in his unmoving hands. A few ashes fall to the table but neither of them move or even acknowledge it. 

"But you and I, Kihyun and Bora, we all have to live our lives," Hyunwoo says. "Nobody lives a life free of danger, but we do the best we can. We can never be completely out, but we can be close, as close as it gets. You can be happy with Kihyun, spend the rest of your life repenting for your sins, and you can make the best of where your life has left you." 

Hyunwoo smiles a small, tiny smile and Hoseok's hand is completely still, like he's holding his breath, his lips slightly parted as he listens. 

"Kihyun has his life too, you have to remember that," Hyunwoo goes on. "And he wants you to be a part of it. From all you've told me about him, I think he'd be brave enough to live your life with you, he'd accept you just as you are, and you could be happy together. He just wants to be with you like you want to be with him." 

Hyunwoo looks off into space, and Bora's face, his favorite face in the whole word, appears in his mind; he sees her sweet smile, her bright eyes. 

"Bora knows that being with me, even as I am now, presents a risk," Hyunwoo says. "But she's a person, just like I am, just like we all are, with her own thoughts, her own feelings, and she wants to be with me anyway. She made the choice, told me after a long discussion that she'd rather be with me and be at risk than live a halfway life without the one she loves, without _me_." 

Hoseok isn't moving, isn't breathing, just looking at Hyunwoo with the most intense concentration that Hyunwoo has ever seen on his face, his expression unreadable behind his eyes. 

"And as much as I felt like I needed to protect her, to keep her as far away as possible from me," Hyunwoo says, "I knew it wasn't right, wasn't fair, to make that decision for her. She deserved, like anyone else, to be able to make her own choices. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was to let go of my own feelings and to accept the decision that she had made, to trust her and her choice absolutely, for better or worse. I know you love Kihyun with all of your heart, and you want him to be safe no matter what that means for you or for your relationship, but you haven't even given Kihyun the chance to make that choice." 

Hyunwoo gets up from his seat, takes both his mug and Hoseok's over to the sink as he keeps talking. He pours out the remnants of Hoseok's now icy coffee down the drain and continues, speaking over his shoulder. 

"Just think about it," Hyunwoo says. "If the positions were reversed, wouldn't you choose him? Even with all of the crap, the baggage, the danger, you'd want to be by his side, you'd want to be there for him. It wouldn't even be a question." 

Hyunwoo places the empty cups into the sink and turns around, leans against the counter and crosses his arms in front of him, Hoseok watching him silently as he keeps talking. 

"I know you want to protect him, and it's true that he's probably safer without you," Hyunwoo says. "But Hoseok, what's the point of living safely if your life is empty? If you can't be with the one you love? I'm sure that if you gave Kihyun the opportunity to make that choice, he would choose _you_ , I have no doubt about it. He'd choose you, even with the baggage, even with the danger, he'd accept it, he'd always choose you, just like you would always choose him, and he'd trust that you could make it through anything as long as the two of you are together. That's what love is, Hoseok." 

At that, Hoseok looks taken aback, and his eyes start to shine with moisture again. He blinks, and a single tear runs down his cheek, but he doesn't move and his eyes don't leave Hyunwoo's. 

"Anyway, it's something to think about," Hyunwoo finishes, "and something you and Kihyun can discuss together when you see him again." 

Hyunwoo walks back to the table and places his hand on Hoseok's shoulder, gives a gentle squeeze. Hoseok doesn't look up but speaks again, his voice timid, unsure. 

"I...," Hoseok starts. "I really don't know what to say." 

"You don't have to say anything," Hyunwoo replies. "But you _can_ get out, you can do it. What you can't do is give up, not now, not when you have someone waiting for you on the outside. The opportunity will come along, I promise you. And if it doesn't come along on it's own, you can _make_ it happen, speed up the process. Take it from me, I've been through it." 

Hyunwoo leaves the kitchen and walks into the hallway towards his bedroom, dimming the kitchen light as he goes so that Hoseok will be more comfortable for the remainder of the evening. 

"Until then," Hyunwoo says, "focus on your good memories of him, don't try to forget him or to push him out of your life. Remember your time with him fondly, keep it close to your heart." 

Hoseok leans back in his chair, bringing the cigarette back to his lips. He's almost finished and will need another soon; Hyunwoo is glad he thought to leave the pack and the lighter out on the kitchen counter. It may be an unhealthy habit, but Hoseok needs it right now. He's got a lot to think about. 

"You can stay here as long as you need to," Hyunwoo says over his shoulder as he steps into the bedroom and starts unbuttoning his work shirt and preparing to change into his pajamas. "And I'd prefer you to keep your clothes on, but whatever makes you comfortable is fine with me." 

Hyunwoo hears Hoseok chuckle from back in the kitchen and he can sense in the air that some of Hoseok's distress has been lifted, that he has a goal and purpose in mind now, something that will keep him going. And that's all Hyunwoo wants, really. He wants his friend to be happy, to be able to be happy. 

They don't talk much for the rest of the night. Hyunwoo goes in and out of different rooms but mostly keeps to his bedroom, finishing up some work on his laptop, while Hoseok changes into fresh clothes and smokes a few more cigarettes while lying on the couch and looking up at the ceiling. Later on, Hoseok even manages to prepare a large bowl of ramen for himself, the aroma comforting and nostalgic in just the way that Hyunwoo knows will help Hoseok to recover. The apartment is quiet and cozy, even with the smell of cigarette smoke lingering in the air. 

Around bedtime, Hyunwoo manages to convince Hoseok, after some persitence, to take the guest room instead of the couch, so that he can finally get a good night's sleep and start fresh tomorrow morning. A little while later, as Hoseok is heading for the bathroom, he bumps into Hyunwoo in the hallway and takes hold of his arm, stopping him for a moment and looking right into his eyes again with that intense, emotive stare of his. 

"Thank you," is all Hoseok says, and then he's moving past Hyunwoo into the bathroom, closing the door softly behind him. Hyunwoo can hear the sound of the water running as Hoseok prepares for bed. 

It seems to Hyunwoo that things are going to be okay after all.


	5. Chapter 5

"As long as you need to" turns out to be only two more days. It's not because Hoseok doesn't still need housing while he finds a new place, but because Hoseok feels increasingly guilty about staying with Hyunwoo well past the point that could be considered safe and inconspicuous. Hyunwoo is supposed to be out, is supposed to be completely removed from any and all of his previous family's business for the rest of his life. That was the deal he had made in exchange for sworn secrecy about the family's criminal transgressions, both past and ongoing, and while he's occasionally contacted by family members for this or that, and while he still remains friends with his former colleagues like Hoseok, the idea was that his future interactions with the family and the family's business would be minimal. Hoseok and Hyunwoo may have a long, rich history together, but there's a reason that Hoseok has tried to be infrequent in his contact with Hyunwoo since Hyunwoo left. Hoseok being involved with Hyunwoo, in any way at all, keeps Hyunwoo _in_ , however indirectly, and puts both him and Bora in danger. That's why, as soon as Hoseok feels strong enough mentally, emotionally, and physically to continue forward, he packs up his few belongings and says his goodbyes to Hyunwoo for the time being. 

However, Hoseok's little hiatus hadn't gone unnoticed, not in a family so distrustful of each other and obsessed with keeping tabs on everyone and everything with even the most attenuated connection to their work. Hoseok thinks it's a straight-up miracle that he was able to get away with the most unremarkable textbook excuse of illness, claiming that he was bedridden with a bad fever, a stomach bug that he must've gotten from a recent trip overseas. Hoseok figures the only reason he got away with it is because of his high rank in the family (and the modicum of trust that comes with it) and the fact that the excuse was so cliché, so elementary, that it was taken at face value, so obvious that everyone assumed that it had to be true, Hoseok guesses. 

Hoseok may be ready, in a philosophical sense, to get back to work, to put this horrible week behind him and to continue things as usual, to try to work toward his new vision of a brighter future, possibly with the lost love of his life, but the truth of the matter is that he still needs a new place to stay and that, for the time being, he's essentially homeless. 

For the next few weeks, he flits around all over the city, staying a few days at a time at other family members' apartments and homes while he eases back into his own work. He doesn't tell anyone the truth about why he's moving, of course, instead tells the half-truth that he's looking for a fresh start after years at the same shabby studio. He's exceedingly careful with everything he says and everyone he talks to, hoping that, if he makes all of the right moves, he'll be able to get all attention away from him and his sudden, unusual absence, his sudden, suspicious need for new housing. 

He'll need to find somewhere family-approved as soon as possible, that is to say, a place that the family already has some kind of foothold in, somewhere where criminals can live without worry of police and where their nefarious activities can be conducted while the paid-off landlords and owners turn the other cheek. The city is full of these kinds of places, scattered throughout all of the different neighborhoods, wealthy, poor, and everything in between, but Hoseok thinks it'd be best to look for something on the lower end of the scale; he'll be less likely to cross paths with Kihyun that way. It's a big city, after all, and Kihyun is a good-natured graduate student who attends university and tends to stay around the safest areas of the city. If Hoseok is careful enough, their worlds will never collide, and Kihyun will be safe while Hoseok slowly makes his way out of this gargantuan hellhole, a process that will probably take years. 

After his talk with Hyunwoo, Hoseok has decided to continue with what he had already started while he was still with Kihyun before he had been shocked into the panicked breakup by the horrific incident that had shaken him to his core. And so, he's more or less back to where he started, though now Kihyun will at least be safe while Hoseok sorts his own life out. It makes Hoseok feel hopeful, _good_ to think that the next time Kihyun sees him, maybe he'll be a free man. 

Of course, there will still be that small danger that will linger forever even when he's out, but it will be nothing compared to the danger there is now, and Hoseok thinks he can live with that if it means he can be a part of Kihyun's life, and if it's what Kihyun decides that he wants. They may not be able to be _together_ together anymore (Kihyun will surely have moved on by then, someone as lovely as he is) but Hoseok hopes that they can still be friends, that Kihyun can forgive him for the havoc he wreaked upon their relationship and for breaking Kihyun's heart so terribly, keeping the truth hidden from him for so long. Hoseok doesn't think he can ever truly fix what he's done, and he doesn't know if Kihyun will ever forgive him (he's not sure if he even deserves it) but he can at least try his best to make things right. All he wants is for Kihyun to be happy, and Hoseok hopes he can be some part of that, even if Kihyun finds another lover and companion (though the thought of Kihyun with someone else makes Hoseok feel cold and empty inside). And whether he ends up restoring his relationship with Kihyun or not, Hoseok still wants to become a better person and to live the rest of his life doing good. It's these thoughts of the future that Hoseok knows will keep him going in the coming months, the coming years. 

Since leaving from Hyunwoo's care, Hoseok has mostly kept to himself, keeping his relationships with his fellow family members, even the ones he temporarily stays with, cold and business-like. Hyunwoo has respected Hoseok's wishes and has limited their contact, only once sending him a text message from an unlisted number to let Hoseok know that he finally proposed to Bora, that she said yes, and that they were planning to move into a nice suburban home outside of the city in a month or so. And Hoseok is so happy for them, so proud of his old friend for how he's risen from the ashes and made such a beautiful new life for himself. With Hyunwoo's successful career, and Bora's own career as a surgeon, they'll be able to live comfortably and happily, maybe even with a few kids when the time comes. Hoseok can't help but wonder if he could've ever had that, if he still has the chance to one day have that kind of picture-perfect life and maybe even a family with Kihyun. 

However, for the time being, Hoseok is focused only on putting one foot in front of the other, moving step by step, taking things one day at a time. And eventually, just when Hoseok's starting to run out of people he can rely on for temporary shelter, Hoseok does manage to find a suitable new apartment, in a neighborhood and building known for housing family members. It's not much, but it's one small step closer to a better future. 

He's on his way to catch the subway, the few belongings he had kept with him the past few weeks in hand, when his phone starts vibrating in his pocket. It's a cheap model with an unlisted number, his old phone and number destroyed so that Kihyun can't contact him. He had made up some story about his phone being stolen and claimed he had had the number changed and the data remotely erased for security, another obvious lie that Hoseok feels very lucky to have gotten away with. 

Hoseok stops in his tracks on the sidewalk and quickly moves to an empty alleyway to talk in privacy. There's steam pouring out from a nearby building and pervading the air, and water dripping from one of the rooms high above Hoseok's head, and it's dark and dirty and smells like trash but it'll do for a private conversation. He drops his bags to the ground and pulls out his phone to see who's calling. 

It's one of the low-ranking members of the family, one whom Hoseok had asked to go get a few things from his old apartment and to inform the landlord that Hoseok wouldn't be coming back, that the owners could go ahead and sell whatever's left over and there'd be no questions or future contact. Hoseok didn't have very many things there besides cheap furniture anyway, all of his important items either on his person now or back at Kihyun's place, and the landlord knew very well that there was a possibility that Hoseok might one day leave without a trace; lots of their family had lived in that building and it had become a known place for that kind of thing. 

The call is unexpected, as Hoseok had told his colleague that there was no need for them to talk about this at all, that all he needed to do was to get the job done and then get the hell out of there, so Hoseok figures that he must be calling with some trivial question or concern, the amateur. 

In recruiting new members, crime families often went after people who were smart and capable but desperate, either for a home, or looking for something or someone missing in their lives, driven to doing bad things for understandable reasons, like finding a loved one or a place to call home, a purpose, any purpose to their existence. But crime families were also always on the lookout for people like the man who's calling Hoseok right now, people who were just plain _bad_ people, motivated by greed or boredom or a lust for power, all too eager to do contemptable things and follow any command, no matter how wicked, if it would get them one step closer to a larger piece of the pie. In fact, it seemed that as time went on, crime families tended to _prefer_ these kinds of people, because they had no shame, no honor, no remorse about doing whatever was asked of them. 

Needless to say, Hoseok does not like this guy very much, and he's not very excited at the prospect of talking with him, especially since he had asked for minimal contact, and so, it's with an exasperated sigh that Hoseok swipes open his phone and brings it to his ear. 

"What is it?" he asks, the annoyance and dislike clear in his tone. 

"I just wanted to let you know that I've been having some trouble with that thing you asked me to do," Hoseok's colleague says, sounding nervous. "There's a little... _problem_ over at your old place." 

"What kind of problem?" Hoseok asks, frowning. 

"Well, you see," the man on the phone says, "every time I go over there to pack up your stuff, there's always this pathetic-looking kid hanging out in the hallway. Like, he'll be camped out in front of your door for hours at a time and I told him to scram or I'd get the landlord but he keeps coming back, says he's waiting for the guy who lives there, which would be you, I guess, and–" 

Hoseok's heart starts pounding hard, a cold sweat breaking out over his whole body. "What do you mean _kid_?" Hoseok asks. "What does he look like?" 

"I don't know," Hoseok's colleague replies. "Well, I don't mean he's an actual child, but you know, he's a young guy, maybe around your age or a little younger. Kind of small, very innocent-looking like he just came out of the ice cream shop or something. But I'll tell you, this kid is stubborn as hell and I just cannot even get him to budge or–" 

"What did you say to him? What did you do?" Hoseok asks, his voice raised, furious. If this shithead had done anything, had harmed even a single hair on Kihyun's head... 

"Nothing, nothing yet," Hoseok's colleague replies, weakly, obviously a bit taken aback by Hoseok's reaction. "But if you want him gone, I could give him a little beatdown, rough him up a bit, scare him away or–" 

"Don't touch him!" Hoseok interrupts again, his voice almost a growl. Tears of rage fill up in his eyes but his voice is firm and steady, and over the phone, he knows he must sound terrifying. "Don't touch him or talk to him again or even look at him. Just..." 

Hoseok takes a deep breath and holds the phone at his side for a moment, his other hand reaching up to rub at his temple. He closes his eyes and just breathes over and over again to calm himself, until he can feel the white-hot fury at the thought of this despicable man being anywhere near Kihyun retreat to an uncomfortable bubbling pressure inside his chest. He brings the phone back to his ear and speaks again, as calmly as possibly. 

"I wanted this done discreetly," Hoseok says, quietly. "And 'discreetly' does not mean talking to any random person hanging around in the hallways." It's a weak kind of lie, a false reasoning behind his outburst, Hoseok knows, but he also knows that this asshole is too afraid of Hoseok to question it, to question why Hoseok would get so upset so quickly over a supposed stranger. 

There's silence for a moment on the other end as Hoseok's colleague works up the courage to speak again. Finally, he asks, "So what do you want me to do then?" 

Hoseok sighs, weary. "Just forget about it," he says. "Forget about the whole thing. Go tell the landlord I've abandoned the room and everything in it, he'll know what to do. And make sure he relays the message to that kid in the hall, in a civil, professional, _nonthreatening_ manner, that I'm never coming back, yeah? We don't want any more attention drawn to us or what we're doing." 

"Okay," the other man says. "But–" 

"And then," Hoseok interrupts again, "I want you to get out of there and don't ever go back, _ever_ , you understand?" 

"Got it," the other man says, timidly, clearly wanting to end the phone call as soon as possible. Hoseok certainly feels the same way, each moment spent talking to this guy a waste of time and energy. With that, Hoseok hangs up the phone and shoves it into his pocket before his colleague can even get another word in. 

He brings his hands up to cover his face and drops down to a squat on the ground, curls up for a minute as a million mixed emotions course through him all at once. He can feel the anger at his colleague and the fear for Kihyun's safety pushing at the back of his eyes again, washing over him like a torrential downpour, and he lets out a loud wail of anguish before he stands up again suddenly and punches the wall next to him, punches it so hard that a few pieces break off and fall down to the ground in a cloud of dust. 

Hoseok's hand is bleeding now, throbbing with pain, he may have even broken his fingers or his wrist, but he doesn't care about that at all. All he cares about is that Kihyun had to interact, had to share space and oxygen with that lowlife, however briefly, how Kihyun may have been seen by who knows how many others in the building, least of all the shady landlord, and how it's all Hoseok's own fault. 

Kihyun had never gone to Hoseok's apartment, Hoseok had always jumped through many hoops, made so many excuses to stop that from happening. As far as Kihyun knew, it was because it was in a bad neighborhood, which was true, and had nothing to do with the fact that dozens of other gang members and criminals lived there, that even just being seen there was enough to put any person on their radar. That's why they had always gone to Kihyun's place, why Kihyun's apartment had become Hoseok's real home over time. 

But then again, Hoseok isn't really surprised that Kihyun managed to track him down, or at least, track down his old apartment. Kihyun is intelligent and resourceful, and never knows when to give up, and it's with a soft smile that Hoseok acknowledges that yes, _of course_ Kihyun was still out there looking for him. That's just the kind of person Kihyun is, loving and loyal beyond rationality, beyond his own safety. Hoseok knows he would've done the same, and as much as it hurts him that Kihyun was put into a potentially dangerous situation, it also warms his heart with fondness, the fact that Kihyun still hadn't given up on him even when Hoseok had made it so difficult, had given Kihyun every reason to give up on him. It's just another thing that Hoseok will need to repent for when they reunite someday, and from now on, he'll work even harder to cover his tracks and to keep Kihyun out of harm's way. 

Now that collecting his old belongings at the apartment is a bust, Hoseok doesn't have any reason not to head over to his new place and settle in for the night. He's had a long day anyway, and he knows he could use a long shower and an early night in. He takes a moment to wrap his injured hand in one of his old t-shirts dug out from the bottom of one of his bags, and then is on his way like nothing happened. 

About half-an-hour later, Hoseok arrives at his new building. It's old and dilapidated, not very well-maintained, but it's out of the way and inconspicuous, and the owners and landlords know all about who he is and why he's there. He presses the buttons for the entry code into the keypad on the front door and hears the telltale click of the lock opening, and as he enters the badly-lit, empty lobby with his belongings in hand, his mind is still racing, his heart still pounding with anxiety, as it always is nowadays. 

He takes the elevator to the eleventh floor, closing his eyes and breathing deeply as he travels up. He's never been very fond of elevators, has always disliked heights in general, and though he wishes he could've gotten a room on a lower floor, this was the best he could do on short notice and so it's just something he'll have to live with for the time being. When he arrives at the door of his new place, he drops his bags on the ground in the hallway and struggles to get the key in the lock, his hands still shaking a bit from the elevator ride and the events of the afternoon. After a minute or so he manages to get the door open and brings his belongings inside, shutting the door behind himself quietly. 

It's a simple one-bedroom, nearly empty save for some basic furniture that Hoseok had purchased and had delivered last week. He goes to the bedroom and flicks on the overhead light; it's all he has for the moment, and it's too bright and of an ugly off-white hue that Hoseok has only seen in prisons and hospitals. His bed is small and simple, with a cheap mattress and cheap, off-white sheets and an off-white comforter, a single cheap pillow at the headboard. But even so, with how exhausted Hoseok is right now, it looks like heaven and he can't wait to sink into it for a long, dreamless sleep. With a sad chuckle, Hoseok thinks that maybe, if he sleeps long enough, all of the crime families will go ahead and finish each other off, and Hoseok can return to where he truly belongs sooner than anticipated. 

He unpacks his belongings and pulls out his first aid kit to better address his injured hand; thankfully, nothing's broken, but the cut is deep and there will probably be a nasty scar across his knuckles from his outburst. Afterwards, he showers, letting the steaming-hot water wipe him clean of the events of the day, before changing into a loose undershirt and boxers. As soon as he's done brushing his teeth and getting ready to sleep, he flicks off the light, and gets into bed under the covers, turning to lie on his back and stare up at the ceiling in near total darkness. At that moment he suddenly realizes that his sad little bedroom doesn't even have any windows. 

He lies there awake for what feels like hours, thinking about things, thinking about everything. He thinks about his work, about his new place, about his plans to get out, and about Kihyun. He can't stop thinking about Kihyun, hasn't been able to stop for more than a few minutes at a time, and now, when he's all alone at last after weeks of having to be so careful, so contained, he lets his mind wander freely, allows himself to accept all thoughts of Kihyun, to bring everything to the forefront, all of the emotions he's been struggling to push down to keep himself from completely losing it flooding his mind with nonstop images, like a film reel of Hoseok's heartbreak. 

He imagines Kihyun sitting all alone in the filthy hallway of his old place, curled up on the musty carpet, leaning up against the stained walls, waiting for Hoseok to return and to explain everything, maybe to tell him that this was all some elaborate, sick joke. Kihyun would probably laugh to himself at the thought, imagining that he would kick Hoseok's ass for playing such a cruel prank, but knowing that he missed him so much that he'd forgive him in an instant, cover his face in loving kisses. Kihyun would know that it was a long shot, but he'd keep thinking such thoughts anyway, keep waiting so patiently for his beloved person who he knew very well would never return. 

Hoseok thinks about Kihyun sitting all alone back in his own apartment, Hoseok's things everywhere, all of their memories together manifested in physical objects, into the very space itself. Kihyun would be in his kitchen and remember all of the times he had cooked for Hoseok, had cooked for the both of them, and the treasured time they would spending sitting together and talking over a delicious meal. He'd go to his living room and remember all of the movies that they had enjoyed, the books that they had read together, the many instances when a quiet night in had turned into a heated makeout session, Kihyun crawling into Hoseok's lap and kissing him playfully, pushing Hoseok to lean back into the couch cushion as Hoseok would run his hands up and down Kihyun's body. He'd be in his own bedroom late at night, just as Hoseok is now, and remember all of the nights of passion they shared, and how they'd wake up all tangled together the next morning. 

Even out in the world, surrounded by millions of other people, Hoseok imagines how Kihyun would feel so alone, so small and lost as he passed by all of the places that they used to visit, reminiscing about all of the adventures that they had shared in the city, how they had discovered so many new things and had had so many memorable experiences together. 

Hoseok's heart breaks for Kihyun, and for himself, and for all that they had, and all that they lost. 

As Hoseok's mind keeps going, he remembers what Hyunwoo had told him, that he should focus on his good memories of Kihyun, should try to remember him with feelings of happiness, not only heartbreak, and so Hoseok concentrates, envisions Kihyun's smile. Not just _one_ smile, but many smiles, all of Kihyun's different smiles. He sees Kihyun's sleepy smile when they used to wake up together late in the afternoon every Sunday, and he sees Kihyun's tired but affectionate smile when the two of them would meet near Kihyun's university together after Kihyun's classes, and they'd go off to have dinner somewhere or just take a walk together in the park. He sees Kihyun's soft, gentle smile that he'd always have whenever they had finally separated from a sweet kiss, and he sees that very special smile that Kihyun always had when he looked at Hoseok and thought Hoseok wasn't paying attention. But Hoseok _was_ paying attention, was always attuned to everything that was Kihyun. 

Hoseok's mind lingers on thoughts of Kihyun's entire form, his existence as such a beautiful, glowing, perfect soul in such an imperfect world, living his peaceful, innocent life and letting Hoseok be a part of it. He thinks about Kihyun curled up on the couch in his apartment, dozing with his head in Hoseok's lap after a long day of classes, and Kihyun happily cleaning while Hoseok did his best to help out, and Kihyun studying for an exam with his huge, adorable glasses while Hoseok stroked his hair and kissed his cheeks, or massaged his shoulders to ease some of the tension. He thinks about how beautiful Kihyun always looked in the sunshine, in the rain, at twilight, at midnight, every version of Kihyun more breathtaking, more ethereal and lovely than the last. 

Hoseok can't help the path that his mind starts to wander down as he keeps focusing on Kihyun's face and body in more detail, going beyond romantic memories to all of Kihyun's beautiful lines and shapes. He feels like he's falling into some kind of trance as he visualizes Kihyun's sweet, round face and his full, pink lips, his soft cheeks and his bright, bewitching eyes, and Hoseok can clearly imagine the pale column of Kihyun's throat and the delicate lines of his chest and shoulders, the smooth dip of Kihyun's waist, the curve of his hips. 

All alone in the dark, Hoseok's body starts to grow hot as his mind keeps going, conjuring up the image of Kihyun sprawled out, completely naked on snow-white sheets, looking up at Hoseok with half-lidded eyes and a deep flush spread over his whole body, his lips parted in anticipation. The Kihyun in his fantasy makes exquisite, soft noises of pleasure as Hoseok touches him, grips onto Hoseok's shoulders and threads his fingers through Hoseok's hair, tugging lightly as Hoseok fucks him with the utmost care and tenderness. 

Before Hoseok can stop himself, his hand is already moving downward underneath the covers, slipping past the waistband of his boxers. He lets out a loud, shaky moan as he takes his already half-hard cock in his hand, the contact sending bursts of heat shooting up his spine. His balls ache as he starts to stroke himself, closing his eyes and biting down into his lower lip, completely losing himself in his fantasies. Hoseok can almost feel Kihyun's legs wrapped around his waist, Kihyun's heels digging into his back as Hoseok rolls into him, lifting him off the bed with his strength. 

Hoseok's cock is fully hard now and throbbing in his grip as he keeps touching himself, alternates between tugging his length and rolling his balls around in his hand, squeezing them gently as his mind switches to an image of Kihyun on his hands and knees, ass in the air, looking over his shoulder at Hoseok, his lips slick with spit and his face a deep red, his ass cheeks matching in hue from the impact of Hoseok's hands, and Kihyun's hole, wet and shiny and prepped, wide open and waiting to accept Hoseok's cock. Hoseok's breath starts coming out unevenly, his exhalations heavy and loud as sweat breaks out over his forehead and down his neck, the familiar burn of pleasure intensifying as he lets his imagination go absolutely wild. 

He starts running his other hand up and down his own body, slips it up underneath his undershirt and moves it across his chest in repetitive motions, running his fingers over his hardened nipples and moaning as he imagines Kihyun's soft, small hands touching him instead. Hoseok imagines a new scene of Kihyun looking down at him from where he's seated on Hoseok's cock, straddling Hoseok's thighs as he rides him, rolling his hips downward against Hoseok's body and crying out in pleasure as Hoseok squeezes his ass. Hoseok's cock is burning hot and leaking now, and Hoseok's mouth falls open in a string of moans as he smears the precome up and down his length, starts tugging himself faster and harder. 

Hoseok can't contain any of his pleasured noises anymore, and the mixture of his moaning and grunting and the wet sound of his hands on himself feels loud and obscene in the silence of his dark bedroom, but Hoseok is way too far gone now to even notice it. He just keeps going, the erotic images of himself and Kihyun coming one after another so fast, rushing past his mind's eye far beyond his control as his abdomen contracts, tenses with impending orgasm. 

Hoseok's mind suddenly flashes to the image of Kihyun doing the exact same thing that Hoseok is doing right now, touching himself to thoughts of the two of them together, fingering himself and calling out Hoseok's name in ecstacy, and the electrifying pleasure that rolls through Hoseok's body at that moment has him crying out into the darkness and spilling all over himself as he finally tips over the edge and climaxes, his orgasm wracking through him in waves as he rides it out, tugging his length to completion with teary eyes that see nothing but white behind his eyelids. 

As he comes down with huge breaths, sticky and sweaty and disgusting with little fizzles of pleasure still tingling all over his body, Hoseok suddenly feels terribly guilty for what he's just done. It's the first time he's touched himself, the first time he's done anything remotely pleasurable at all since leaving Kihyun all those weeks ago, and though his body feels spectacular, loose and warm and relaxed from his orgasm, his rational mind is starting to catch up with him, his morality reminding him that he had hurt Kihyun very badly and that to use Kihyun for his own bodily pleasure when Kihyun was likely still suffering was wrong, and Hoseok feels so ashamed of himself that it feels like all of the air has been pushed out of his body, the brief euphoria he had felt gone in an instant. 

He feels so wretched that he can't even bring himself to clean up, and so he just curls up into a little ball, feeling absolutely filthy and worthless, and cries for a while, until his eyes grow too heavy and the exhaustion overtakes him. 

Hoseok doesn't get the quiet, dreamless sleep that he had been hoping for. Instead, he dreams of Kihyun telling him that he's pathetic and disgusting, over and over again, and screaming at Hoseok that he hates him, and Hoseok can't speak, can't do anything but cry hysterically as Kihyun walks away with another man, someone better and more beautiful. And then, when Hoseok tries to follow, to explain himself and to apologize, to tell Kihyun he's sorry, he's sorry, he's so, _so_ sorry, the ground gives out from beneath his feet and Hoseok is falling, falling from a great height down into an endless abyss.


	6. Chapter 6

_It was a beautiful day._

_Sunny and warm with a gentle breeze winding through, a quiet afternoon in the middle of the week. Kihyun had just finished his classes and he and Hoseok had walked over to the cute little coffee shop nearby that was frequented by students. It was a rare time of day when the shop wasn't completely packed, as many still had afternoon classes, and so they had a little table all to themselves outside, all alone, enjoying the fresh air and each other's company as they waited for their drinks, the fancy, overly sweet coffee that Hoseok only partook in when he was with Kihyun. It was coffee meant more for enjoyment than for staying awake, but with Kihyun life was always more about actually enjoying things than just going through the motions to survive. With Kihyun, life was about happiness, not just existence._

_As they sat comfortably on the dainty, wire-framed chairs, Kihyun was talking, gesturing with his hands and telling Hoseok all about the art history lecture he had just come from, but Hoseok wasn't really listening. He was way too focused on the way Kihyun's mouth moved, how his lips formed so beautifully around the syllables and how his voice trilled like music, how Kihyun's eyes shined when he talked about something with passion, the movements of his eyebrows and his facial expressions, how the sunlight shone in his hair and how its warmth colored his round cheeks. Hoseok wasn't like Kihyun, he didn't really know anything about art, but he knew he could recognize art when he saw it, when it was sitting right in front of him like it was then._

_"Hey!" Kihyun said suddenly, pulling Hoseok out of his spell. They locked eyes and Hoseok smiled guiltily, caught red-handed, Kihyun looking playfully scandalized, his cheeks puffed up in a pout. "You weren't listening to me at all, were you?"_

_Hoseok laughed and offered his hand in apology, which Kihyun took in his own without hesitation. They held hands across the table as their legs tangled together underneath and Hoseok looked at Kihyun fondly._

_"I was listening at first," Hoseok said after a moment, squeezing Kihyun's hand in his. "But I'll admit I got distracted."_

_He then lifted Kihyun's hand to his lips and placed a gentle kiss onto Kihyun's knuckles, light as air. Kihyun blushed, and although he rolled his eyes at Hoseok's cheesiness, he couldn't hide how truly lovestruck he was._

_"If you say so," Kihyun replied, finally giving in and smiling, looking so cute and bashful that Hoseok's heart soared._

_Out of the corner of his eye, Hoseok spotted the waiter coming over with their drinks, but he was too focused on Kihyun to really pay attention, and his eyes didn't leave Kihyun's as the waiter placed the silver tray with two fancy coffees down between them, Hoseok sad that he had to release Kihyun's hand to make room for it._

_"Thank you," Hoseok said politely, eyes still on Kihyun as Kihyun reached for his coffee. The coffees that Kihyun had ordered for the two of them were sugary and topped with cream and whipped foam, little shavings of chocolate, beautiful and rich and sweet, just like Kihyun was, just like they were together._

_Hoseok watched with fascination as Kihyun took his first sip, his eyes lighting up from the sweetness, and when he put his coffee back down onto the table, there was foam on his lips and Hoseok laughed out loud at the sight, it was so cute and so cliché, like a scene from a movie. Hoseok couldn't believe this was really his life, that this was really happening._

_"What?" Kihyun asked when he noticed Hoseok laughing, eyebrows raised in amusement. Hoseok just shook his head in disbelief, grinning, then reached across the table to wipe the foam from Kihyun's mouth, his thumb brushing fondly over Kihyun's lips, and Kihyun giggled, and Hoseok giggled, and he wished he could stop the progression of time, right then and right there, and just live that moment over and over again forever._

_Hoseok leaned back in his chair as Kihyun laughed incredulously and took another sip of his coffee, Hoseok reaching for his own. They went back to their conversation, Kihyun talking about a movie that he was excited for them to see together, and Hoseok wondered if it would turn into one of those days when they'd stay at the coffee shop for hours, drinks long-finished, so absorbed in their conversation and in each other that they wouldn't even notice how much time had gone by._

_The mug was warm underneath his fingers, and Hoseok had just taken another sweet sip, halfway done with his own coffee while Kihyun was almost finished his, when suddenly, something strange passed over Kihyun's eyes, fast and heavy like a storm cloud. The color drained from his cheeks and his eyebrows furrowed as he let out a soft little noise, almost like a whimper, and he frowned, staring off into space._

_"Kihyunnie?" Hoseok asked, setting his coffee down._

_Kihyun kept looking at nothing in particular, then just shook his head as if to clear a sudden dizziness. Sweat was breaking out across his forehead and he suddenly had an odd, pained expression on his face._

_"I just..." he started, voice weak and gaze unfocused._

_His hands then slipped off of his coffee mug and onto the table, and he gripped the edge, his knuckles turning white, tense as if he suddenly couldn't sit up properly. Hoseok looked at him with wide eyes, concerned._

_"Everything okay?" Hoseok asked, his heart skipping a beat. Something wasn't right._

_"I don't..." Kihyun replied, and suddenly, he was swaying in his chair, his eyes fluttering._

_Hoseok's stomach dropped painfully, his blood running ice-cold as two thin trails of blood began to drip from Kihyun's nostrils onto the table._

_In seconds, Hoseok was out of his chair and kneeled down by Kihyun's side, supporting his back and his chest as Kihyun swayed with dizziness, gripping weakly onto Hoseok's shoulders for support. Kihyun's eyes were half-open and his nose kept bleeding and Hoseok could only look on in horror as thick streams of blood began to gush from Kihyun's mouth and down his chin onto his lap._

_"Kihyunnie!" Hoseok shouted, frantic and terrified, his mind and his heart racing, his eyes filling with panicked tears._

_As he reached a shaking hand down to his pocket to grab his phone, to call for an ambulance, he suddenly felt something sharp and terrible rip through his own body, an intense, stabbing pain like he'd just been shot in the stomach, like something with teeth had just clamped around his heart._

_He cried out in anguish, hands slipping down to grip onto Kihyun's lower back and thighs as his legs gave out and he could feel blood beginning to drip from his own nose. A moment later, he could no longer hold himself up, and he fell sideways into Kihyun's lap, coughed out a thick, angry splash of blood onto Kihyun's jeans._

_He tilted his head back as much as he could to look up at Kihyun, who had gone unconscious, slumped against the chair, blood beginning to drip from his closed eyes, and his ears, so much blood, blood everywhere, Kihyunnie..._

_Hoseok tried to speak, tried to say something, anything, but his throat was full of blood and his eyes weren't working properly anymore and his head was throbbing, aching, the world going in and out of focus as he laid there, helpless in Kihyun's lap, helpless to do anything but bleed out in agony._

_As black spots danced around his vision, the waiter from before, the one who had served them their drinks, was suddenly hovering over the two of them, an ugly, vicious grin on his face as he watched Hoseok struggle to stay conscious, to stay_ alive. 

_"You really thought you could get away with it?" the waiter said, scoffing, and Hoseok suddenly recognized him as one of the high-ranking members of the family, one of the inner circle. "You really thought we wouldn't find out?"_

_Hoseok couldn't respond, just wheezed in pain as his vision started to go red, his eyes filling with blood, and Kihyun's body was already still and cold, Kihyun was already gone, and everything was red, red, red, red, red–_

Hoseok awoke with a shout, immediately sitting up in bed in the darkness. His back and his chest were sticky with sweat and his legs were all tangled in the sheets, his heart pounding so hard that it hurt, his breathing heavy, wheezing. 

Hoseok turned right away to look for Kihyun next to him in bed, relief washing over him at the sight of Kihyun still deeply asleep, faced away from Hoseok, breathing slowly and softly, all bundled up warm and safe in a cocoon of blankets, completely hogging them from Hoseok's side and leaving Hoseok with nothing but the top sheet to cover himself. It was adorable, and Hoseok sighed deeply, closing his eyes as he slowly lay back down, rubbing his forehead with the heel of his palm to calm down as he took deep, slow breaths. 

It had only been a nightmare. 

It was two weeks before Hoseok had broken up with Kihyun, two weeks before the day that Hoseok had started referring to in his mind as the Worst Day. And two weeks before the Worst Day, Hoseok was already far too used to these kinds of nightmares. He had seen Kihyun dying about a thousand times now, a thousand different ways, each more horrifying than the last. Sometimes Hoseok would die too; other times he could do nothing but watch in despair, devestated and completely useless to stop it as the light left Kihyun's eyes, as everything good in the world was swallowed up by blood and pain and death. It was happening almost every night, and yet, every single time it left Hoseok shaking and nauseous and cold all over like he'd never be happy again. 

But even then, even as he was endlessly tormented with horrific visions of Kihyun's death by his own fault, Hoseok still couldn't yet bring himself to leave. He knew that it was inevitable, that it had to happen soon, the nightmares only serving as a reminder of that awful fact, but he couldn't help but stall, couldn't help but do everything in his power to stretch out each day they had together as much as he possibly could in the hopes that some miracle might happen, that something would happen that would make it so that they could stay together, that Hoseok could keep Kihyun safe and happy. 

And two weeks before the Worst Day, the morning following the latest gruesome nightmare, Hoseok and Kihyun had gone on a date.

It was Kihyun's turn to choose their date spot, both of them having the day free, and while Hoseok often chose simple activities like a walk in the park, a picnic by the lake, or just hanging out at Kihyun's apartment, Kihyun always liked for them to _do_ things together. Kihyun loved exploring the city and trying new things, and his date choices had included everything from museums to indoor rock-climbing to amusement parks, as well as many, _many_ movies. While Hoseok was naturally more of a homebody, Kihyun was a doer, an adventurer, and he loved for them to experience new things together. Even with their different preferences, they both greatly enjoyed every kind of date that they had together, happy to do anything, happy to just _be_ as long as they had each other. 

That day, Kihyun had chosen a spot that he had been talking about wanting to visit for months, the city's newly-opened aquarium. Kihyun had an insatiable intellectual curiosity, and he loved animals, so it was a no-brainer that he'd chosen it as his date spot as soon as he possibly could, and Hoseok found it so loveable the way Kihyun got so excited about these kinds of things, how Kihyun was, dare he say it, kind of a _nerd_. But Kihyun really knew so much about everything, and he loved sharing his knowledge with Hoseok, who hadn't ever had the chance to become highly educated or cultured the way Kihyun was, and on a day like today, a random day in the middle of the week, the aquarium would be almost empty, and they'd have the whole place to themselves to spend as long as they liked and to get a good look at everything. 

It was all set to be the perfect date. 

When they finally went inside after purchasing their tickets, Hoseok felt like he was a kid again, like they were both kids who had just stepped inside of a delightful dream together. There were several floors of exhibits and what seemed like hundreds of different tanks branching off in all directions from the main lobby, all bright and colorful and glowing in the building's dark lighting, the air pleasantly brisk from the air conditioning, the sound of water and bubbles and the soft chatter of the few other visitors forming a soothing atmosphere. Hoseok smiled as he looked around, taking it all in, and as Kihyun took his hand and led him over to the first exhibit with childlike enthusiasm, Hoseok suddenly felt eager to see everything, to see it all, Kihyun's excitement absolutely infectious. 

And see it all they did, going one by one through every exhibit, each one charming and beautiful in its own way. They saw an enormous tank that mimicked a coral reef filled with hundreds of bright, colorful fish and sea creatures of all shapes and sizes, darting in and out of all different kinds of coral, so much intersecting activity that Hoseok felt like he was watching an entirely different universe going on right before his eyes. Next, they saw an exhibit on freshwater creatures, the room housing a simulated river flowing over a few large rocks and small trees, the smell of wet soil and grass refreshing as they observed different kinds of frogs and turtles swimming around. Later, they moved on to an inconspicuous tank that contained a very large and absolutely gorgeous octopus, a fascinating creature with intelligent eyes that looked right back at them as they watched it swim around its environment and play with some of its toys. 

Hoseok's favorite exhibit was the otter pool, which had sections both indoors and outdoors depending on the season. The otters were adorable and mischievous, splashing and diving into the water playfully, following Kihyun and Hoseok as they moved back and forth through the exhibit. Kihyun's favorite was the shark room, housing a massive tank full of them and a few other kinds of large fish swimming around in eerie silence. Hoseok was surprised that Kihyun liked them so much, because the sharks looked mean and menacing with their cold, dead, unblinking eyes. 

"They may look a little scary," Kihyun explained when Hoseok asked him about it, "but they're really just misunderstood. They're actually quite noble, gentle creatures." Kihyun looked at Hoseok then, his eyes shining and the blue light of the water reflecting on his face. 

"Just like you," Kihyun finished, and Hoseok couldn't help but blush as Kihyun leaned in to kiss his cheek. 

By the time they got to an exhibit that simulated a seashore, complete with dozens of tidepools filled with a wide variety of tiny creatures, Hoseok had completely lost himself in the experience, had decided that he loved it there just as much as Kihyun did. There was something so beautiful about being surrounded by animals, by nature, something so lovely about how innocent and wholesome the whole thing was. It was something that Hoseok rarely got to experience and so he treasured it immensely, feeling a bit upset when he realized that they were almost finished with all of the exhibits; Hoseok didn't want it to ever end. 

Just as they were about to move on to another room, Kihyun suddenly stopped and turned to face Hoseok. He moved his hands up to Hoseok's shoulders, gripping lightly onto the matte black leather of Hoseok's jacket as Hoseok instinctively dropped his hands down to Kihyun's waist, and for a moment, Hoseok thought that Kihyun was going to kiss him, but instead, Kihyun just looked at him. Neither of them moved or spoke, but Hoseok felt his face heating up again from Kihyun's gaze, as it was exceedingly playful and flirtatious, had Hoseok's heart racing in seconds. 

"I wanted to tell you," Kihyun murmured, his hands dropping down to rest on Hoseok's chest, his eyes following, "that I really, _really_ love this jacket on you. Every time you wear it, I can never seem to take my eyes off of you for very long." 

He ran his hands up and down Hoseok's chest, biting down into his lower lip, and Hoseok suddenly felt a bit shy, flustered; they were in public after all, even if nobody else was around. But Kihyun's intentions turned out to be innocent after all, as he paused his hands and looked up at Hoseok with affectionate eyes. 

"It makes you look like some kind of sexy gangster, you know?" Kihyun said, smiling, his eyes crinkling into half-moons. 

Hoseok choked on air for a moment at that, but was just barely able to disguise it as a flustered cough at what he realized was surely supposed to be a cute compliment, not Kihyun calling him out on his secret double-life. Hoseok knew that he was just being paranoid due to recent events, specifically the _incident_ , and that what Kihyun had said was obviously just a coincidence, and so Hoseok pushed aside the anxious thoughts and reacted the way he might've to any other flirty comment from Kihyun, reaching up to run his fingers through Kihyun's hair tenderly, humming low in throat, the sound a rumble in his chest that he knew Kihyun could feel beneath his fingertips. 

Hoseok then took a step back from Kihyun and began removing the jacket, and before Kihyun could fully realize what he was doing, Hoseok was already draping it over Kihyun's shoulders and gently maneuvering Kihyun's arms through the sleeves, Kihyun giggling when he understood. 

As he stepped back again to admire Kihyun wearing his jacket, Hoseok grinned at how small and adorable Kihyun looked. The jacket had already been a bit oversized on Hoseok and so it was huge on Kihyun, the sleeves falling past his hands, and he looked like a kid, snuggling up into it and looking at Hoseok from underneath long eyelashes, immensely satisfied. 

"I love it," Kihyun said, blushing. "It's like you're holding me close." 

Hoseok cooed in response at how cute Kihyun was, reaching to pat his cheeks affectionately and leaning in to kiss the top of his head, happiness bubbling up in his chest. As he pulled away, Kihyun laughed and eyed Hoseok with an impish gleam in his eyes. 

"What?" Kihyun asked, in mock offense. "You don't think I could be a gangster?" 

Hoseok smiled again, reflexively nervous at the second mention of "gangster" but also quite amused. Kihyun was just playing, after all, and this Hoseok, the Hoseok that he was pretending to be for today, Kihyun's boyfriend who worked at a boring office job that was never worth talking about, had no reason to be wary or oversensitive to talk of gangsters or organized crime. 

"No, Kihyunnie, I don't. You're too cute, and too nerdy," Hoseok said, laughing, and at that, Kihyun stuck out his tongue and they continued on their way, the two of them holding hands and Kihyun now happily wearing Hoseok's jacket for the rest of the afternoon. 

They were just about to head over to the jellyfish exhibit when Hoseok felt the unique, unsettling sensation of being watched, and that's when he noticed the other aquarium visitor that had been following along behind them for the past few minutes. There had been a small number of other people at the aquarium that day, sure, but this...this was someone whom Hoseok immediately recognized, and at the sight of him, Hoseok stopped in his tracks, heart in his throat. 

It was Lee Minhyuk, one of Hoseok's work associates, and he and Hoseok quickly made eye contact from across the room, an unpleasant shiver shooting up Hoseok's spine. He felt remarkably calm given the situation, that he'd been caught with Kihyun, but he also supposed that, as usual when faced with something like this, the sense of calm was really just his emotions paralyzed in terror, his mind barely restrained from imploding in on itself.

Without saying a word, Minhyuk nodded his head towards a nearby exit, making his way over and out the door as Hoseok's mind worked quickly to come up with a believable excuse that would buy him a few minutes away from Kihyun. 

"Hey, Kihyunnie," Hoseok murmured, as Kihyun turned to look at him in confusion, "I've got a little bit of a headache. Do you mind if I go outside for a quick smoke?" 

Kihyun's confusion melted into concern and he let go of Hoseok's hand, reaching up to Hoseok's forehead to feel his temperature. "You're not feeling well?" Kihyun asked, worried, and Hoseok felt so guilty, felt like such an asshole for lying, lying _again_ , but what choice did he have? 

"Just a little bit of a headache," Hoseok repeated, smiling nervously, hoping to God that Kihyun couldn't see through it. "I'll be right back in a few minutes, you go on ahead, okay?" 

Kihyun pouted for a moment before leaning over to kiss Hoseok's cheek. "Okay," he said, "but you promise me that, one of these days, we're going to have a serious talk about you quitting, right?" 

"Of course," Hoseok replied, softly, relieved, and Kihyun kissed his cheek again before turning to walk over to the jellyfish exhibit. As soon as Kihyun was out of sight, Hoseok turned around and headed for the exit out into the bright, afternoon sun, his worry starting to take a hold of his mind. 

He wondered what Minhyuk could possibly be doing there, what he could possibly want, and, most importantly, Hoseok wondered just how much he had fucked up, how dangerous it was that he had been seen with Kihyun. 

And then, he wondered what he might have to do to keep Minhyuk from talking.


	7. Chapter 7

Hoseok calmly stepped outside into the little alleyway adjacent to the aquarium and leading out to the parking lot, his dread churning around in his stomach even as he maintained a cool façade. With each step, he shoved his emotions further and further down, steeling himself for what could, from his experience, very easily and very quickly turn into a scene of violence. And what a place for such a violent scene to occur, a pleasant afternoon outside of the colorful, family-friendly aquarium. 

Nobody was around, the noise of the city a distant hum, and Minhyuk was leaning up against one of the aquarium walls, the paint job depicting a large, stylized image of a clownfish. He had one leg lifted and bent, his foot pressed against the wall, and he was already smoking a cigarette, casually, bored, like he didn't just catch his colleague doing something expressly forbidden of their family. He didn't even glance at Hoseok as Hoseok approached him with caution, mind reeling with panic. 

Hoseok was already thinking twelve steps ahead, about what he might have to do to protect Kihyun if Minhyuk talked, or even threatened to talk, or even _suggested_ he might talk. They would have to move quickly, might have to pack up everything and leave the city, maybe even the country, maybe even that very night. Kihyun would have to be placed under police protection, would have to change his identity and uproot his entire life, and that would only be after Hoseok explained everything to him, explained how he had lied and the danger that he had put Kihyun in, how he had been an active participant in various criminal enterprises for his entire adult life. Kihyun would probably hate Hoseok for it, hate him for ruining his life and for lying to him for so long, for just being an all-around terrible person and boyfriend, but it wouldn't matter, not as long as Kihyun got out safely, got out and got far, far away. And Hoseok, Hoseok would probably be _dealt with_ by someone from the inner circle before he could do much else, but he'd be alright with it, he'd go to his grave in peace because Kihyun would be safe and alive. 

Hoseok was prepared for whatever would happen, for whatever he would have to do to make up for his colossal fuck up, for being so naïve and thinking that they could have normal dates like a normal couple, that they could even last as a couple in the first place. At that moment, Hoseok could feel the brutal swing of the universe, the consequences of his actions, his choices, finally catching up to him and blowing up in his face, and by the hand of Lee Minhyuk, of all people. 

Hoseok didn't know why, had no idea what it was he ever did to cause it, but he had always gotten the distinct impression that Minhyuk didn't like him. There was always a strange, foreboding tension between them, an aura of menace that Minhyuk directed towards Hoseok that made Hoseok think he should always keep his guard up, stay on high alert around him. And even beyond those personal feelings, Minhyuk was well-known as something of a wildcard, notoriously unreadable and unpredictable. Hyunwoo had once confessed to Hoseok that he never really understood Minhyuk, never really understood his endgame or his intentions, and although Hyunwoo and Minhyuk were friends, he had admitted that he was never sure how much Minhyuk could really be trusted. 

Hoseok also knew for a fact that Minhyuk, despite his delicate, rather feminine appearance, was not one to be underestimated, not one to be taken lightly in any respect. He was just as dangerous as the rest of them, maybe even more so, and for someone like Minhyuk to have caught Hoseok is such a compromising position was a dangerous situation indeed. Hoseok was bigger and stronger, more lethal and a better fighter if it came down to it, but Minhyuk would by no means be an easy opponent. Hoseok wasn't sure whether to expect a physical confrontation, but he knew something sinister must have been amiss for Minhyuk to show up so suddenly and so out of nowhere. 

Of course, Hoseok knew it wasn't an accident that he was here, Minhyuk hadn't just _happened_ upon Hoseok by chance. As far as Hoseok knew, Minhyuk wasn't exactly the type to spend his free time at the aquarium. No, Minhyuk had been _looking_ for him, had tracked him down, sneaking up on him like a shadow. That was, after all, Minhyuk's specialty in the family, finding people who didn't want to be found, and Hoseok realized with dismay that, for someone who didn't want to be found, he had really done a shit job of covering his tracks. 

Hoseok could feel adrenaline building thick in his veins as his mind worked through every possible scenario about how the scene could play out. He didn't have his gun with him (another mistake) but he did have the small knife he always kept strapped to his ankle for such situations. With his training, he was prepared to grab it and press it to Minhyuk's throat within seconds if needed, if Minhyuk tried to threaten him first. He had done much more with much less, and if Minhyuk had come looking for a fight, Hoseok would definitely win, he'd make sure of it. 

It was to Hoseok's great surprise then, that as he approached closer to Minhyuk, Minhyuk immediately looked up at him, and his expression was relaxed, calm, friendly even. He offered Hoseok a cigarette and said, quietly, cordially, "We need to talk." 

Hoseok hesitated, wary, didn't move another inch, just curled his fists at his sides, so hard he could feel his fingernails digging into his palms. Was it some kind of trick? Was Minhyuk playing him, manipulating him, as he had been known to do? Hoseok wouldn't let him get away with it, not when Kihyun's life was on the line. But Minhyuk didn't let up, gave a weak smile and insisted, kept holding out the cigarette in a gesture of good faith.

Finally, Hoseok accepted and, not taking his eyes off of Minhyuk, stuck it between his lips. He itched to grab for his knife, just in case, but he didn't; he was being careful to play it cool with Minhyuk, to see what Minhyuk might have had up his sleeve before resorting to anything extreme, and certainly, his lie to Kihyun would be more convincing if he came back inside smelling like smoke. 

And so, Hoseok retrieved his lighter from his pocket and lit the cigarette. Then, he took a long, deep drag and leaned up against the wall opposite from Minhyuk (a wall that depicted a bubblegum-pink cartoon squid) and he tilted his head back, sighing as the smoke flowed through his system and out with his next breath. It was comforting, despite everything, and he watched the smoke crawl up to the sky like a soul departing the earth. 

Minhyuk didn't say anything right away, took a long drag himself and blew out his own thick cloud of chemicals. He didn't look at Hoseok, looked somewhere far off into the distance instead. It was only after a few long moments of uncomfortable silence that he spoke. 

"You're on a date," he said, stating a fact. 

Hoseok didn't respond, just prickled all over, let out a loud puff of air from his nose, heart pounding, but none of his distress showed on his face other than a slight furrow of his brow. However, for someone like him, in their line of work, it was an extreme reaction; he might as well have screamed. But he was understandably on high alert, anxious, ready to do whatever needed to be done at any sign of trouble, not sure how Minhyuk would react to what he had stumbled upon. 

Hoseok took another drag, watchful eyes still on Minhyuk, and Minhyuk understood his silence as his answer. But to Hoseok's surprise, Minhyuk simply chuckled, though it didn't do much to alleviate the tense atmosphere. 

"Relax," Minhyuk said. "You look like you're ready to end me, right here, right now." He took another drag and lowered his foot to the ground, shifting around to lean more comfortably against the wall again as his eyes looked Hoseok up and down with amusement. "I can feel your rage radiating off of your body." 

He leaned his head back and took another drag, then looked down at his shoes and shook his head in disbelief, smiling to himself and blowing out smoke through his teeth. Hoseok felt a sharp bite of anger at that, fuming like an agitated bull about to charge; it certainly wasn't a situation that called for a smile. He was about to speak, to say as much, when Minhyuk beat him to it and continued, as if reading his mind. 

"Don't worry, I won't say anything," Minhyuk said. "I, for one, still believe in honor among thieves." 

Hoseok wasn't convinced, and so he just stared at Minhyuk coldly, his suspicion still burning in his chest, still guarded and apprehensive, and Minhyuk caught his eyes, tried for a small smile again, though to Hoseok it looked more like a grimace, fake and forced. At Hoseok's refusal to ease up, Minhyuk seemed at least a little intimidated, deflating a little. He knew very well that he would never win in a real fight against Hoseok, and so he just sighed and ran a hand through his hair, looking away again from Hoseok's intense glare. 

"Seriously, Hoseok." Minhyuk mumbled. "Relax. I'm not gonna tell on you or hurt your little boy toy. I really couldn't care less about your love life." Hoseok remained silent, and Minhyuk took it as an indication to continue. 

"That being said," Minhyuk said, "do you really think this is wise considering what happened?" 

"Who said I was wise?" Hoseok interrupted, speaking to Minhyuk for the first time since the conversation started, sending him a fierce and steely glare that he knew could chill anyone's blood to ice. Hoseok knew that Minhyuk was just as scared of him as everyone else was, and he would at least be sure to keep the upper hand in the situation, certain that Minhyuk could hear the subtle, underlying threat in his statement. After all, a wise person would hesitate to kill, and Hoseok wouldn't, not if it was for Kihyun. 

"Hoseok," Minhyuk insisted, sounding exasperated, "seriously. I'm not going to tell. I really, _really_ don't care. Me tracking you down has nothing to do with that. And I'm not looking to start any beef with you, I swear." He chuckled. "I've seen what you can do, and I certainly don't want to get on your bad side." 

"What do you want, then?" Hoseok asked, immediately, voice cold and firm, coming out like a growl, not giving even a single inch. Whatever Minhyuk said didn't change the fact that he had tracked Hoseok's movements without his consent and tore him away from the one thing that had any meaning in his life. All Hoseok wanted at that moment was to be done with Minhyuk and to return to Kihyun, back into their little bubble of sweetness and away from his own grim reality. 

Minhyuk sighed again, then reached into his jacket to retrieve something. Hoseok immediately bristled, was about to grab for his knife, but Minhyuk paused to show Hoseok his bare hands, lifted them up and said, nervously, "I'm unarmed, no tricks here." 

He then pulled out a small envelope and held it out for Hoseok to take. Hoseok took it and examined it carefully, flipped it around, turned it over, confused. It was a small envelope and looked innocent enough, thin and sealed and blank on the outside. 

"It's just a job," Minhyuk said as Hoseok continued to inspect it, still mistrustful. "The client wanted it delivered in person." 

Hoseok was annoyed, tremendously so, that Minhyuk had gotten him all riled up over something so trivial. He felt the bubbles of anger in his chest again and was about to tell him off for playing with him, for stalking him and scaring him for no reason, when Minhyuk spoke again, quickly, to explain himself. 

"It was originally meant for someone else, but I made the case to give it to you," Minhyuk said. "I wanted the chance to talk with you, alone. Away from everything." 

Hoseok put the envelope away in his jacket, and repeated, annoyed and angry, "So, what do you want?" 

"When I tracked you down here, when I realized that this is where you were," Minhyuk replied, "I thought, what better a spot could there be? What more innocent and unsuspecting a spot to speak with you? I mean, who would ever guess that big, scary Hoseok would be here? And on a date, no less. I certainly would've never pegged you as such a romantic." 

Minhyuk laughed again, and Hoseok really wished he would stop doing that. They didn't have that kind of relationship, and Hoseok had very limited patience for games with Kihyun so close, so nearby and so unguarded. Hoseok couldn't help but worry that it might all be a trick, that perhaps Minhyuk was just distracting him while someone else went for Kihyun. It would certainly explain why Minhyuk seemed to be dragging things out. Every second spent away from Kihyun with someone like Minhyuk had him feeling uneasy. 

"Minhyuk," Hoseok growled, a clear warning for him to get to the point already. 

"Sorry, sorry," Minhyuk said, taking a quick, shallow puff of his cigarette followed by a hasty exhalation of smoke. "The truth is, I'm here for a real reason, a serious reason, and today was the only chance I had to get away from everyone else long enough to talk to you. You know how busy I am..." 

As he trailed off, he looked down at the ground and kicked a pebble, trying to find words. 

"Ever since Hyunwoo left," he began, "I've been wanting to get out too. I mean, I think Hyunwoo leaving had a pretty big effect on all of us. It opened up a whole new world, you know what I mean?" 

Hoseok nodded and took another drag, blowing out smoke. It was automatic at that point, he didn't even have to think about it, the nicotine clearing his mind and helping him to focus in on Minhyuk as he tried to understand Minhyuk's angle. 

"And then...what happened with...you know... _all of that_ ," Minhyuk said, not wanting to mention the details of the incident to which Hoseok knew he was referring. None of them wanted to think about that horrific night, to remember it in too much detail, because to even speak of it would mean reliving it again. And Hoseok knew that it was especially painful for Minhyuk, more so than anyone else. He swore he could see tears shining in Minhyuk's eyes, and for just a moment, Hoseok almost pitied him.

"It was kind of like, the breaking point, you know? The last straw," Minhyuk had gone on. "I always wondered if there would ever come a time when things would be too much. And that was certainly...what happened was... _the time_."

Hoseok nodded again and avoided Minhyuk's eyes. They had both been there that night, and Hoseok knew that however much it had affected him, however much it had deeply disturbed him, _Minhyuk_ was the one had been irreconcilably damaged by what had happened. He could hide behind his trickster, wildcard ways and mask of detachment all he wanted; Hoseok knew the truth, that Minhyuk had suffered a tremendous amount of pain, unimaginable pain from the events of that night. And though Minhyuk was a hardened criminal, just like Hoseok was, capable of heinous acts and questionable morality, and though Hoseok didn't much care for him, he was not evil, not at all. Like Hoseok, like Hyunwoo, Minhyuk had his own reasons for being there in the family, and his own moral code, and though he and Hoseok didn't get along, though Hoseok didn't always agree with Minhyuk's actions or methods, he could understand that Minhyuk was in pain, and he could sympathize with that. And truly, what their boss had done that night had been a step into the territory of pure evil.

They were silent for a few moments, and Hoseok watched as some stray embers and ashes fell from his cigarette down onto the sidewalk. Minhyuk bit down into his lower lip, thinking, then continued. 

"Things are too crazy now, too dangerous," Minhyuk said. "And lately, with the boss wanting to tie up loose ends, loose ends that have been untouched for years, it seems like..." 

"Like nobody is safe," Hoseok finished, looking Minhyuk in the eye with something resembling kinship. It felt strange but at that moment, Hoseok could genuinely feel Minhyuk's sincerity, the truth behind his words. There was a vulnerability, an openness to his eyes, and Hoseok could see that Minhyuk was scared, just as he was. 

"Exactly," Minhyuk replied, taking another drag. Hoseok could then see the slight tremble in his hands, the timidity in his stance. He couldn't believe that he hadn't noticed it before; it was so obvious. There were a few more moments of silence, both of them still smoking, before Minhyuk spoke again. 

"I think something needs to be done," Minhyuk said. "I think _we_ need to do something." 

Hoseok considered him, quietly. Minhyuk's gaze was intense and serious, and Hoseok could see his determination, his earnestness. He had no ulterior motive, wasn't messing around. His intentions were true and genuine and, for better or worse, Hoseok realized that he believed him. 

"What do you mean, exactly?" Hoseok asked, carefully. 

"I mean," Minhyuk replied. "We need to cut off the head of the snake. We need to take out the inner circle." He sighed, closed his eyes. "We need to burn this whole thing down. Completely. And for good." 

"You don't just want to leave," Hoseok said. "You want to end the family. End the boss. Put an end to it all?" 

"Yes," Minhyuk said. He took a deep, deep breath and tossed his unfinished cigarette to the ground, then stomped it out with his foot, marking the sidewalk with the black tar that he had just been breathing in moments before. 

"Hyunwoo was my friend and I loved him like a brother," he continued, "but he was a fool for thinking that he could just leave quietly, that he'd be able to live in peace. He'll never be free, none of us will unless we end this, end this cycle of pain and violence and death. It's the only way to ensure everyone's safety and to take our lives back. We have to take this family down, destroy it, make sure it can never be allowed to exist or to hurt anyone else ever again, and we're the only ones who can do it." 

Minhyuk's voice went quiet as he spoke again, as if he feared that someone else might be listening.

"I have a plan," he murmured, so quietly that Hoseok could barely hear him. "I'm putting together a group, and we've been talking about this for a while now. And you, with your skills and connections..." 

He trailed off again and took a step towards Hoseok. He reached out and touched Hoseok's shoulder, comfortingly, and Hoseok might've flinched before, but at that moment, he knew in his heart that Minhyuk truly was on his side after all, at least for the time being. 

"You're a good person, Hoseok," Minhyuk said. "And you want out of this just as much as the rest of us do. You want to live your life in freedom and safety. That's why you should join us." 

They were silent again as Hoseok considered Minhyuk's words, as Minhyuk lowered his hand from Hoseok's shoulder and leaned up against the wall right next to him. 

"Your idea is a noble one," Hoseok said, finally. "I just...I don't think it can be done." 

He closed his eyes and tipped his head back to breathe out another large puff of smoke. When he opened his eyes again, he could see that a massive, dark cloud had momentarily covered the sun, and the entire sky seemed to be still in its movements, holding its breath, anxious. 

"The family is too powerful, the inner circle is too powerful," Hoseok went on. "It's too dangerous. We'll all be killed if we fail, and we _will_ fail." 

Minhyuk frowned, crossed his arms over his chest. "Do you have any better ideas?" He snapped, brows furrowed. "We can't live like this anymore, Hoseok. None of us can. This can't go on, it can only get worse, can only end badly." 

"I know," Hoseok replied. "But I don't see any other options for us. Hyunwoo was wrong, and there's nothing else left for us to do. If you go ahead with this plan, you'll die, everyone involved will die. And if you don't, something else will finish you off. All that's written in our future is our death, if not by someone else's hands than maybe by our own. But anything else is just an impossible fantasy." 

Hoseok knew that it was a bleak, tragic statement, but it was the conclusion he had come to, and voicing it allowed for the first time only served to add finality to it, confirmation of its truth. 

Minhyuk didn't say anything for a few moments, obviously befuddled, not expecting Hoseok to take such a stance. Hoseok could tell that he was choosing his words very carefully. 

"What about your boyfriend?" he asked, and Hoseok's chest burned painfully, a sudden telltale pressure building behind his eyes. 

"I'm..." he started, voice breaking, "I'm going to break up with him. Soon. I know we can't be together, and I have to do it to protect him." 

At that moment, Hoseok locked eyes with Minhyuk and he was shocked to see the sympathy, the hurt and understanding in his eyes. This was Lee Minhyuk, the infamous Lee Minhyuk, looking compassionate, responsive to another's emotional pain, and it was a sight that Hoseok never thought he'd ever see. 

"All of this," Hoseok continued, nodding his head toward the aquarium behind him, "it's just me living in a dream, just a little bit longer, until I can work up the stomach to end it." 

Minhyuk was quiet again, thinking. He looked down at the ground and then back up at Hoseok, sighing, weary and dejected. 

"But Hoseok," Minhyuk said, softly, "just think about it. You could be with him. If you join us, if we end all this, you could be with him, for real, forever. And you'd be free, and safe." 

He and Hoseok just looked at each other, and at that point, Hoseok was only just barely holding on to his composure. Minhyuk seemed to sense it, seemed completely attuned to Hoseok's moment of vulnerability. 

"Do you love him?" Minhyuk asked. 

"I do," Hoseok answered, without hesitation. 

Hoseok was surprised at his own openness, but he supposed that when it came to Kihyun, there was no hiding his feelings, not when they were written all over his face, not when they were the essence of everything that he did, everything that he was. Hoseok's heart hurt, and he could tell that Minhyuk's did too. 

"You could be happy," Minhyuk said. "We all could be." 

Hoseok shook his head at that, laughed sadly, before speaking. "Like I said, it's a nice idea, really. It's also going to get a lot of people killed. Good people. Innocent people." 

Hoseok looked right into Minhyuk's eyes and he could see that Minhyuk knew that he was right, but he could also see Minhyuk's determination, his desperate hold on this wild scheme of his, and as much as it would hurt to do so, Hoseok knew that he had to do his best to put a stop to it, for Minhyuk's own sake, and for the sake of anyone else that Minhyuk might've already talked to. 

"I've already told you my thoughts," Hoseok continued. "It's impossible, and the inevitable failure would only get us all killed, us and all of our loved ones. You don't think we'd be slaughtered for even entertaining the notion? That they wouldn't track down everyone we've ever so much as spoken to and execute them without mercy? Your plan is nothing but a fantasy, and an invitation to more blood and death." 

Hoseok scoffed, his eyes growing watery, and he closed them to stop the tears. He wouldn't let Minhyuk see him cry, no matter how his thoughts of him had changed from their conversation. 

"At least now, Kihyun will have a chance," Hoseok said, voice thick. "I won't put his life at risk by getting involved in your little rebellion. Nor will I keep him in the danger he's in now by staying with him. It just can't be done, and Kihyun is all I have." 

Hoseok sighed, and despite himself, a few silent, wayward tears escaped his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. His cigarette rested between his index and middle finger, forgotten. 

"I'll do whatever it takes to protect him, even if that means staying as far away from him as possible. Even if that means leaving him and breaking his heart." 

It was a long, long time before Minhyuk said anything. He looked at Hoseok with firm resolve, refusing to back down despite his obvious disappointment. Hoseok watched as he curled his fists at his sides. 

"Well, I'm going forward with it," he said, simply. 

"And I won't get in your way," Hoseok responded, taking one last, long drag of his cigarette before putting it out against the wall. "Just leave me out of it. And think carefully about who you'll be putting at risk." 

At that, Minhyuk turned away from Hoseok and started walking back towards the parking lot, back towards wherever he came from without another word. But he stopped after only a few feet, his back to Hoseok, and spoke over his shoulder. 

"If you change your mind, if something happens that changes your mind," Minhyuk said, "you know where to find me. You'd be a big help, Hoseok." 

Hoseok thought that surely, Minhyuk had wasted his time coming to him, because there was nothing that would make him change his mind, not after everything he had seen, not after everything that he had experienced. It was just another difference between them; Hoseok had learned his lesson, had grown to understood the reality that they lived with, while Minhyuk was ready to go down in flames and take countless others down with him. Hoseok was sure that they'd probably never be on the same page, no matter what happened.

Minhyuk resumed walking away, but he only went forward a few more steps before he stopped again to voice one last thought. 

"You know, for someone trying to live a double life, you're doing a piss-poor job of covering your tracks," Minhyuk said, voice scathing. "Has your affection for your little boyfriend made you soft, made you forget all about where you come from?" 

Hoseok laughed, not with humor but with disdain and incredulity, and didn't say anything in response. Just like that, Minhyuk was back to his rather unpleasant self, back to hating Hoseok for absolutely no reason, all the compassion and empathy that he had glimpsed for just a short while literally gone up in smoke. 

"If you weren't such an established person," Minhyuk continued, "your suspicious behavior would've definitely gotten you killed by now, you and your little plaything. Instead, everyone just assumes you're up to whatever it is that you do. Heck, if it were me doing what you've done, I'd already be dead. Nobody trusts me, and–" 

"Should I trust you?" Hoseok interrupted, voice dripping with challenge. 

"Absolutely not," Minhyuk replied, and for a moment, Hoseok could hear that strange softness and sincerity return to his voice. "But, you can trust my anger, and my fear, and my willingness to end this madness at any cost." He paused again, stuck his hands into the pockets of his jacket. 

"You can trust that I won't do anything to hurt you, or hurt someone you love," Minhyuk said. "I won't hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it." 

He looked up at the sky, almost whimsically. The clouds had shifted and the sun was starting to peek through again. Hoseok wondered what Minhyuk could possibly be thinking at that moment. 

"I asked you before, Hoseok," Minhyuk said, "if you love him. You really do, huh?" 

Hoseok swallowed, his mind buzzing again with emotion. Every mention of Kihyun was just another reminder of how their time together was limited, how their time together was almost up. And he did love Kihyun, with his entire heart and soul. 

"Yes, I do," Hoseok repeated, "And that's why I have to let him go." 

"But will he let _you_ go?" Minhyuk asked, and Hoseok started, taken aback. 

"What?" Hoseok asked. 

"When you leave him, will he let you go?" Minhyuk persisted, still turned away from Hoseok, speaking to the parking lot in front of him. "For you, loving him is letting him go. But he might be different. For him, loving you might be going after you. People love in different ways, Hoseok. He might do things that you wouldn't do, that you would never expect. He might surprise you. People do all sorts of crazy things when they're in love." 

It was curious indeed, and Hoseok wondered where this sudden onslaught of advice and insight was coming from. Minhyuk sounded like he had had his own kind of experience similar to Hoseok's, though, of course, given their lack of relationship, Hoseok knew nothing about that, knew nothing about Minhyuk's past or his life outside of the family. Perhaps that would be a story for another time, if they one day decided to open up to each other for real. But for the time being, Hoseok was just fine with closing the door right then and there. 

"Goodbye, Minhyuk," Hoseok said, with some irritation returning to his voice. He was tired of Minhyuk's games, tired of the confusing conversation, tired of feeling like he was being manipulated and analyzed simultaneously, and more than anything else, he was ready to slip back into his little fantasy world, if only for a little while. 

"Goodbye, Hoseok," Minhyuk replied, finally walking away and leaving Hoseok to stand there in the alleyway alone. "Enjoy the rest of your date." 

And with that, he was gone, and Hoseok was left with nothing but the cold, ominous pit of dread in his stomach and thoughts of his fleeting happiness with Kihyun, quickly slipping through the cracks in his fingers like sand. 

He knew very well that he would not be able to hold on to it for much longer.


	8. Chapter 8

As Hoseok returned inside the aquarium, swept with a rush of cold air from the AC and once again enveloped in the comforting darkness and soft lights, he still felt uneasy about his conversation with Minhyuk. He felt like the poison of his dark, secret life was still lurking nearby, just outside the walls, and waiting for him like a predator to pull him back into its depths, ready to choke him and drag him away, kicking and screaming, from his happiness with Kihyun. 

Talking with Minhyuk, seeing Minhyuk's earnest desperation and remembering everything that had went down in the past few weeks with their family, made Hoseok feel like something terrible was about to happen, even beyond his inevitable breakup with Kihyun that would tear his heart in two. Hoseok couldn't help but feel like his conversation with Minhyuk was something of a warning, a threat that everything, every aspect of his life, was about to get much, _much_ worse. 

But even so, it was hard to focus on the ominous feelings as he got closer and closer to where he had split up from Kihyun, just outside of the jellyfish exhibit. It was like he was smoothly slipping back into a beautiful dream that he had been prematurely woken from, his mind and body relaxing and pushing down all of the anxiety and the dread as he got closer, until it was all just a dull, barely-noticeable ache in his chest. Even just the knowledge that he would see Kihyun again in a few seconds was enough to soothe him, to alleviate the foreboding in his troubled mind and to dissolve the apprehension for the time being, and so it was with a genuine feeling of ease that he stepped past the large, colorful sign reading, "The Jelly Room," and into the large, dark enclosure. 

The room was completely empty of other people, tall and spacious like a cavern, and Hoseok felt a tiny prickle of concern when he couldn't immediately find Kihyun. All he could see in the near-total darkness were the large, cylindrical tanks staggered throughout the center of the room, and the dozens of smaller tanks embedded along the walls. 

The tanks were all lit up with different hues of lighting, soft pink and dreamy blue and lustrous white, making the translucent jellyfish themselves glow with color as they floated around slowly and weightlessly, like ghosts. There were many different species on display throughout the exhibit, and the creatures were almost hypnotizing in their strange, otherworldly beauty, some smaller and round and bright like little moons, some with long, spindly tentacles curling like ribbons, some larger and alien-looking, all floating up and down in eerie yet enchanting silence. All that could be heard was the sound of the water bubbling in the tanks, and Hoseok felt like, on another occasion, he might have been able to fall asleep in a place like this. 

Finally, after a few more seconds of searching, he spotted Kihyun over at the far end of the room, so small and cute, still wearing Hoseok's jacket and nearly blending into the shadows around him. He had his phone out in front of him, photographing the jellyfish in the last tank with a look of adorable concentration on his face, his mouth open, his eyes wide, the pink lighting of the tank reflecting on his cheeks and making him look like a baby angel. Hoseok's heart filled with warmth at the sight, and he went right over to his baby angel with a barely-contained smile, all of the tension from moments before evaporating away in an instant. 

Kihyun looked up as Hoseok approached and Hoseok watched with fondness as Kihyun's eyes visibly lit up at the sight of him. He put his phone away in his pocket and reached for Hoseok's hand as Hoseok came closer, gently pulling him in to stand with him in front of the tank. 

"Are you feeling better?" Kihyun asked, the two of them standing side-by-side facing the tank, their fingers intertwined between them. 

"I am now," Hoseok replied, squeezing Kihyun's hand softly as he admired the jellyfish in front of them. They were large and bulbous, a deep magenta color to match the pretty pink lighting of their tank, their tentacles like strings of flowers. 

They were both quiet for a moment, and Kihyun moved a little closer to Hoseok, Hoseok letting out a soft breath as Kihyun leaned over to rest his head on Hoseok's shoulder. 

"Hyung," Kihyun said, quietly, running his thumb over Hoseok's, "is there something wrong?" 

Hoseok's heart jumped painfully at Kihyun's question. He had the sudden urge to tell Kihyun everything, to spill every terrible secret all at once like opening a floodgate. Something about being inside that room felt like being inside a fortress, like they were together inside their own contained little universe, and anything said there could be said in complete safety, anything said there would _stay_ there, and there would be no consequences. But Hoseok knew, of course, that that wasn't really true, and that for Kihyun's own protection, he couldn't risk telling him anything, no matter how much it killed him inside to keep up with the blatant lies. He squeezed Kihyun's hand again, sighing deeply as his emotions retreated back under the surface, back to the edges of his mind where they belonged on a day such as this. 

Instead, he chose to focus only on the positive thoughts, like how happy he was with Kihyun, and how good he felt being there with him in that beautiful place. He thought of how amazing it all was, how lovely their day had been together, how every second spent with Kihyun was a blessing and how good things were right at that very moment. After all, Kihyun was right there, right next to him, their hands clasped together and their fingers intertwined, so tightly that Hoseok could feel Kihyun's heartbeat, slow, steady, happy. And for the time being, that was enough. 

"No," Hoseok replied, and he meant it. "Right now...everything is perfect." 

Just then, all of the lights in all of the tanks suddenly changed color simultaneously, and the one they were standing in front of switched to a deep, electric blue. It washed over the both of their faces like they were really underwater, the magenta jellyfish now a stunning contrast of colors with their environment. Kihyun gasped in delight like a little kid and Hoseok grinned. It was so beautiful, and he was so happy that they were there together to see it. 

Kihyun let go of Hoseok's hand and made to pull out his phone again, but Hoseok stopped him with a gentle hand to his shoulder, turning Kihyun to face him. 

"What is it?" Kihyun asked, curiosity and affection sparkling in his eyes. 

Hoseok didn't say anything in response, just smiled and admired Kihyun's beautiful face for a moment, still awash in the vibrant blue lighting, before reaching up slowly to cup Kihyun's cheeks in both of his hands. Kihyun's face was warm and soft under Hoseok's fingertips, and Kihyun's eyes softened as Hoseok rubbed his thumbs delicately over Kihyun's cheeks, not saying a single word but communicating everything he needed to say with his eyes and his soft touches. 

They were both silent, just looking at each other, and Kihyun flushed, moved closer to wrap his arms around Hoseok's waist, pressed right against Hoseok's body as his hands slid upwards to grip lightly onto Hoseok's shoulder blades, the two of them conforming to each other perfectly, Kihyun feeling so small and delicate in Hoseok's embrace. Hoseok leaned down and touched their foreheads together, the two of them only inches apart, like they were melting into each other, their eyes slipping closed at the same time. 

They stood still like that for several long, wonderful seconds, the only sounds that could be heard the water in the tanks and their soft breathing nearly in sync, the lights all around them seeming to deepen in color along with their flushed faces. Hoseok focused on the gentle warmth of Kihyun's body, the steady pounding of his heart, and he swore it was all he needed in life. He leaned forward slightly, his lips just ghosting over Kihyun's, teasing, exquisite, electric. 

"Really?" Kihyun breathed out, breaking the silence. "Right in front of the jellyfish?" 

Hoseok chuckled against Kihyun's lips. "It's okay, silly," he murmured, his voice deep and smooth like velvet. "Didn't you read the sign over there? They don't have eyes." 

"That's true," Kihyun whispered, squeezing at Hoseok's shoulders as Hoseok brushed his nose against Kihyun's. He could feel Kihyun's eyelashes on his cheeks, could feel the tremble in his fingertips. "They don't have eyes. Or brains. Or any–" 

Hoseok leaned in and cut him off with a passionate kiss, stealing the breath from Kihyun's lungs and pouring every piece of his heart into it. The room went silent and still around them, a blur of comforting darkness and soft colors as Hoseok held Kihyun's face in his hands like it was his entire world, and he kissed Kihyun again and again and again and again, angling his face to deepen the kisses, Kihyun's lips so soft and sweet like candy, and Kihyun kissed back, pulling at Hoseok's shoulders for him to press in closer. 

Kissing Kihyun in that moment, then and there after everything that had happened, was pure magic. It made it feel like the rest of the world, everything out there that was scary and cruel and painful and terrible, had completely disappeared, like it was nothing, like it didn't exist, like nothing existed except the two of them and Kihyun's warm lips and this peaceful, quiet, lovely place. 

Hoseok could feel Kihyun's gentle smile as they kissed, could feel his happiness at how he moaned softly and at how he squeezed Hoseok's shoulders in encouragement, could feel his sharp intake of breath as Hoseok slid his tongue along the seam of his lips, then pushed inside, licking his way lovingly into Kihyun's mouth as the two of them lost themselves in each other. 

They continued like that, kissing passionately and clinging on to each other for almost twenty minutes, until Hoseok had guided Kihyun to walk backwards towards the tank and had pressed him up against the cool glass, until Kihyun had moved both of his hands up from Hoseok's shoulder blades to thread through his hair, to tug at the strands in pleasure as they sucked on each other's lips, until time itself had seemed to stop for the both of them. It was hard to remember anything as silly as time or space when they were right there together, when Kihyun was right there, alive and happy in Hoseok's arms with his plush, wet mouth and his soft, little noises, his quiet moans and the shy rolls of his hips, the warmth of his soft little body and his eager hands. Things were getting heated, perhaps a little _too_ heated for a public setting, but Hoseok had had enough misery and trauma and pain to last a lifetime, and he was all too happy to just enjoy something for once, to _be_ happy for once. 

But, as was the cruel way of the universe, all good things had to come to an end, and sure enough, just as Hoseok was beginning to grind his own hips against Kihyun's, bracing his hands on the glass on either side of Kihyun's head for better leverage, warmth building low in his body and his pants growing tighter, there was suddenly a loud chime ringing out over the aquarium loudspeaker, followed by some inconsequential announcement that neither of them paid much attention to, both of them much too disappointed to be yanked out of their little sanctuary as they gently broke apart. 

Kihyun lowered his hands from Hoseok's hair and down his shoulder blades, down to the center of his back. He wrapped his arms around Hoseok's waist and buried his face in Hoseok's throat, hugging him tight, as Hoseok wrapped his arms around Kihyun's shoulders, one hand holding the back of Kihyun's head and the other resting between his shoulders. 

"I guess we'd better head home soon, huh?" Kihyun murmured, nuzzling into Hoseok's throat and hugging him tighter. Hoseok hummed in sad agreement, though neither of them moved for a few more moments, neither of them ever wanting to leave that wonderful room nor the comfort of each other's embrace. Kihyun kissed Hoseok's neck and Hoseok stroked the back of Kihyun's head, and the jellyfish tanks changed colors again around them, and all at once the dream was over, and it was time to face reality. 

Eventually, they managed to reluctantly unwind from each other, then began to make their way back out of the exhibit, but not before Kihyun cutely waved goodbye to all of the jellyfish. Then, remembering that they couldn't see, he cheerfully spoke his goodbyes aloud, filling Hoseok's heart with bubbles of fondness, a bursting warmth in his chest, nearly unable to handle the unbelievable cuteness. When he was finished, Kihyun returned to Hoseok and took Hoseok's hand in his and led the way again, back out of their temporary little haven and out into the world, Hoseok all too happy, as always, to follow wherever Kihyun wanted to go. 

They held hands all the way back to Kihyun's apartment, right until they were standing in front of his doorway, only letting go when Kihyun had to dig around in his pocket for his keys. After he had pulled them out and stuck his apartment's key into the lock, he paused for a moment, and turned to face Hoseok with a soft glimmer in his eyes. Then, he placed his hands flat against Hoseok's chest, stood up on his toes, and kissed Hoseok's lips, quick and sweet, like a sugar rush. 

Hoseok smiled as Kihyun pulled back, face warming in pleasant surprise as Kihyun's hands still rested on his chest. "What was that for?" he asked. Kihyun's face was glowing, and his eyes were sparkling in the soft, warm lighting of the hallway. 

"I'm just so happy," Kihyun murmured, curling his fingers in delight. "You make me so happy. I love you so much." 

Hoseok's heart soared, and he wrapped his arms around Kihyun's waist, pulling him in for another hug as Kihyun wound his arms around Hoseok's shoulders. Hoseok was still smiling, and his voice was warm and quiet as they both rested their chins on each other's shoulders, as Hoseok nuzzled the side of his face against the side of Kihyun's face, his eyes slipping closed. 

"I love you too, my little jellyfish." 

\---------- 

_Hoseok wasn't sure where he was or why he was there, but the large space around him appeared to be an abandoned warehouse, and he blinked to clear his blurry vision as he looked around. It didn't feel like he was simply waking up but like he was regaining consciousness, the world slowly coming into focus, and the dull, throbbing pain in his head, the high-pitched ringing in his ears, and the warm trickle of blood still dripping from his temple, down the side of his face and onto his shoulder, all told him that he had been knocked out by a blunt object._

_The warehouse was filthy and dimly-lit with ugly, flickering lights, full of empty shelves and crates that were clearly abandoned long ago, the smell of dust and mildew thick in the air, the floor slightly damp with who-knows-what and the ceiling dripping more who-knows-what to the ground with a sickly noise. Everything seemed to be covered in a visible layer of grime and dirt, and the room was stuffy and hot. Hoseok could feel that he was sweating, a thin sheen all over his whole body, his clothes sticking to his skin._

_His body ached all over, sharp twinges of pain biting him at random spots–the right side of his waist, his jaw, his stomach, his sternum, his ribs, which felt like they might be cracked or broken–and he supposed that he must have been in a fight, one which he evidently lost. He registered a deep, throbbing pain in his shoulder, right under his collarbone, and he realized with a weak pang of dismay that it was a gunshot wound, and the bullet was still lodged in there, blood dripping slowly down over his chest. It was only then that he realized he was on his knees, his legs folded underneath him, numb from his weight resting on top of them for a long period of time, and someone was holding his arms together, uncomfortably, restrained, behind him._

_He grit his teeth and struggled, earning him a loud smack to the back of his head by another individual standing behind him, and the tightening of the hold on his arms, so tight that it felt like they'd be ripped from his body, twisted awkwardly to keep him from moving. Anyone else might've screamed from the searing-hot pain that shot through his body, specifically the gunshot wound, which seemed to tear open wider at the forced movement of his arms. But after so long in his line of work, Hoseok had developed an unusually high tolerance for pain, and so he just let out a loud huff, his nostrils flaring and his eyes watering._

_He couldn't turn his head thanks to a hand holding the back of his neck in place to keep his eyes forward, but out of his peripheral vision he could see that all around him were family muscle, grunts hired by the boss and members of the inner circle to deal with troublesome people and to do the family's dirtiest, most violent work. Hoseok had used them himself on occasion as backup, though at the moment, he appeared to be on the wrong end of things, if his current position was anything to go by._

_It was difficult to focus though, difficult to put together a clear picture of the situation that he was in, when the air stunk with blood and the distinctive stench of death, something Hoseok knew all too well. As his brain struggled to focus the images around him, he gradually began to recognize the shapes he was seeing, and he nearly vomited at the sight when he realized what he was looking at._

_Bodies._

_And one specific body, the body of Lee Minhyuk._

_He was lying dead on his stomach in a pool of blood, eyes closed, mouth slack, and what appeared to be a bullet to the side of his head, along with multiple gunshot wounds sprayed across his back. It was clear that he had put up at least something of a fight._

_Around Minhyuk lay the bodies of several of their other mutual friends and colleagues. Hoseok realized with another sudden bought of nausea that these were all people whom Minhyuk would've talked to, people whom he would've tried to rope into his insane mutiny, and Hoseok understood at that moment exactly what had happened and why, why he was in the position that he was in and why Minhyuk and so many others were laying there dead right in front of his face._

_Minhyuk had gotten caught. They had all gotten caught._

__But of course they were caught _, Hoseok thought grimly,_ it was inevitable. _The truth was, they had been idiots for even trying to go through with it, and Hoseok knew that he himself was about to be executed as a loose end, as a cautionary measure even though he had turned Minhyuk down. Just knowing about the existence of a resistance plan and keeping silent about it had been enough to guarantee his death sentence._

_His head spun as all of the realizations came quickly, one right after another, his brain going too fast for his newly-regained consciousness to handle, and the sudden shock of it all nearly knocked him out again, made him unbearably dizzy for a moment, but he grit his teeth harder and hung on, his head pounding painfully. If he was about to die, he at least wanted to be awake for it._

_"If you're wondering why you're still alive," a nasty-sounding voice rang out, "it's because we need one last bit of information."_

_Hoseok looked over towards the door and saw one of the nastier members of the inner circle entering the room with a few others trailing behind him. It figured that the boss himself wouldn't show up to the bloodbath, despite giving the order, and would send others to take care of things instead. Hoseok, as always, felt a stabbing, intense hatred for the man, and for the one moving closer and closer to him with a cocky, sinister air to his steps._

_He stopped right in front of Hoseok and crouched down to his level, an ugly sneer on his ugly face, before bringing his hand to Hoseok's chin and lifting his face up forcefully so that Hoseok had to look him right in the eyes as he spoke._

_"Is this the little whore you've been trying to hide from us all this time?"_

_He stood up again and stepped aside, and that's when Hoseok could see it clearly. Two huge grunts were holding someone hostage between them, each one carrying an arm and dragging the person forward roughly._

_Hoseok's heart stopped at the sight, and he swore that the entire world stopped with it._

_It was Kihyun. They had Kihyun._

_Hoseok yelled loudly, a desperate, broken cry ripped out from his lungs. He lunged forward with all of his strength, tearing open the wound on his shoulder, but he didn't even notice, and was just barely held back by his captors as three more men rushed over to restrain him from moving._

_"Let him go!" Hoseok screamed, hot tears falling down his face as he struggled and struggled and struggled to break free. "Let him go!"_

_His knees were scraping painfully along the floor, and it felt like his body was being torn apart from the men trying to hold him back, but he didn't care. He had to break free, he had to get to Kihyun. He had to save Kihyun. Kihyun, Kihyun, Kihyun, Kihyun..._

_Kihyun's body was limp, his head hanging down and his legs dragging along the ground uselessly beneath him as the two grunts brought him forward to Hoseok. As they stopped in front of Hoseok, Kihyun slowly lifted his head, and Hoseok immediately froze, paralyzed at the sight, in fear, in anger, in crushing despair as he looked upon the love of his life, broken and bleeding right in front of him, broken and bleeding_ because _of him._

_There were cuts and bruises all over Kihyun's face, what looked to be the impact of a ring slashed across his cheek and bleeding, and blood trickling down from another wound at his temple. His eyes were filled with tears._

_"Hoseok," he whimpered, blood dripping from his split lower lip. "Hoseok...Hoseok..."_

_The sound of Kihyun's little voice pulled Hoseok out of his momentary state of shock and he surged forward again, so powerfully that he nearly broke free, a fresh wave of tears streaming down his face as he was dragged backwards by muscled arms._

_"Let him go!" Hoseok yelled again, every cell in his body screaming in pain. "He doesn't know anything! Let him go! Let him go! Let him go!"_

_Hoseok kept yelling until his voice broke, kept struggling with all of his might until someone grabbed the back of his hair and yanked his head backwards for him to sit up and look straight ahead, the hold on his arms tightening so that he couldn't move at all, trapped there restrained on his knees with his arms twisted behind him. Tears rolled down his cheeks, and he suddenly felt useless, helpless, worthless, as he could do nothing but grit his teeth in pain and anger, his entire shoulder soaked in blood from the open gunshot wound and his chest heaving with sobs._

_"That's all the confirmation we need," the man in front of Hoseok said, smirking, and Hoseok wanted nothing more than to rip his face off, to kill him brutally, to kill them all and to grab Kihyun and run as far away as they could to safety. But he could barely move, let alone break free of his captors, and so he could only struggle in anguish, his face hot and sore in desperation and sorrow._

_His continued struggle earned him another loud smack to his head and this time he couldn't help but cry out in pain as excruciating agony wracked through his whole body. He keeled over forward, his head hanging down and his hair in his eyes. He wheezed, and his body suddenly felt so weak, so exhausted, and he closed his eyes, tears trickling out onto the filthy floor below him as he was silent for a moment, regaining his bearings._

_"Please," he begged, voice quiet and broken. He sobbed as more tears fell from his eyes, his body shaking terribly and his heart shredded into pieces. "You can kill me, I don't care, but please, please...let him go. Don't do this."_

_The man in front of him smirked again. "Oh, don't worry," he said, voice dripping with some kind of horrible mirth. "We're not going to kill him."_

_Hoseok lifted his head weakly and watched as the man walked over to Kihyun with a vile look on his face. The man paused for a moment, turned to make sure that Hoseok was watching, then reached down and began to stroke Kihyun's cheek, slowly, with the back of his hand. Kihyun visibly shuddered in disgust, and Hoseok's blood ran ice-cold, then white-hot with rage._

_"It'd be a real waste to kill such a pretty little thing," the man continued, running his hands through Kihyun's blood-soaked hair, and Hoseok could feel the bile in his throat, could taste vomit at the back of his tongue at the repulsive sight. "No, we've got other plans for this one."_

_Hoseok shouted in outrage and nearly twisted his arms out of their sockets trying to break free again, but a strong hand grabbed onto his shoulder and forced him back, this time accompanied by another hand that held a razor-sharp blade to his throat. Hoseok's chest heaved up and down as he glared at the man in front of him with nothing but pure hatred in his eyes. The man just chuckled,_ amused _, and Hoseok bared his teeth, let out a harsh exhalation, the blade against his throat cold and hard._

_"Someone this beautiful," the man went on, finally taking his filthy hands off of Kihyun and walking back towards Hoseok, "is going to be_ very _popular with some of our wealthier clients."_

_Hoseok huffed out an angry noise, refusing to back down, but the man was no longer paying any attention to him. He turned away from Hoseok and gestured at some of the men behind him, while Hoseok's gaze immediately swung back to Kihyun, as if pulled in by a magnet._

_They locked eyes, and Hoseok's heart shattered all over again._

_Kihyun's eyes were still wet with tears, but something had changed. He was silent, steady, and he didn't look angry or upset or even scared anymore. His eyes were bright and large, as clear and beautiful as Hoseok always remembered them, and he looked almost calm, as if he had accepted his fate, and Hoseok began to cry again, unable to understand, conveying everything in his heart with his own eyes. His eyes wailed out his sorrow, his grief, his shame, his fear, but most of all, his regret, his remorse that he had caused this, that this was all his fault and his fault alone. His eyes said everything that his voice was now too weak to say. They said, "I'm sorry," over and over and over again. "I'm sorry," and "I love you."_

_And Kihyun's eyes were soft as he looked at Hoseok, soft and loving like always. He gave Hoseok a gentle smile that touched a spot deep inside Hoseok's soul, and his eyes said, "It's okay," and "I love you too."_

_Hoseok sobbed loudly, biting down into his lower lip as more tears fell, because it was_ not _okay, but Kihyun was so brave, so brave and so strong and the fact that he could be there still looking at Hoseok with all of the love and affection that his heart could muster was just too much for Hoseok to handle. He cried and cried and cried and his whole body went limp in defeat, the men behind him tightening their grip on his arms to hold him upright._

_But as difficult as it was, Hoseok kept his eyes on Kihyun, they both kept their eyes locked, breathing and crying silently together, speaking every feeling of love that they could between them, both of them knowing that this would be the last time that they would see each other. Hoseok's body was trembling and his vision was starting to blur around the edges, and Kihyun looked so frail and helpless, and yet, they held on, clung on to each other in the only way that they could, determined to stay together until the bitter end._

_Their final moment was interrupted as one of the men from behind Hoseok suddenly approached Kihyun with a wet rag in his hands, reeking of chloroform. Hoseok yelled and Kihyun struggled as the man held the rag roughly over Kihyun's mouth and nose, and as Kihyun's eyes slipped close and he went unconscious, body going limp and still, Hoseok weeped, sobbing loudly, knowing full well that he could do nothing to stop what was happening but stubbornly refusing to believe it._

_The two men holding onto Kihyun began to carry him away and out of sight, and many of the other men in the room followed, including the one man from the inner circle that had so cruelly tormented them. Hoseok put up his last ounce of fight, struggling in his captors' hold once more, using every last bit of his energy to express his anguish as he screamed Kihyun's name over and over again, but it was no use, and he soon sat back down on his knees, worn out, defeated, destroyed. He whimpered, quiet and pathetic._

_It was really over. Everything was over. There was nothing more that could be done._

_His head was yanked backwards again by rough hands, and he didn't resist as his throat was sliced open in one quick movement. Blood gushed down his neck to his chest and everything went black around him, until he could see nothing, feel nothing, was nothing._

_All he could hear was Kihyun's voice, calling his name, again and again and again..._

"Hoseok! Hoseok! Hoseok!" 

Hoseok was startled awake, his body aching and soaked in sweat. And Kihyun, Kihyun really _was_ calling his name, but only because Hoseok had embraced him tightly from behind in his sleep, much _too_ tightly, and Kihyun was currently being crushed by Hoseok's strong arms, squeezed close to Hoseok's chest to the point that he was struggling, pulling desperately at Hoseok's arms for Hoseok to let him go. 

"Hoseok!" Kihyun exclaimed, sounding panicked. "I can't breathe, I can't breathe! Hyung!" 

Hoseok gasped and immediately released his bruising hold on Kihyun, Kihyun exhaling loudly in relief as Hoseok blinked in dismayed confusion, doing his best to take in his surroundings. He took long, deep breaths to calm himself and to steady his racing heart, and shook his head roughly to clear the black spots dancing around his vision. 

They were in Kihyun's bed, of course, on the night following that lovely, lovely aquarium date, and their evening at home together had been just as lovely. They had had a delicious home-cooked meal, had watched a nice, romantic movie, and had eventually fallen into each other's arms, fallen into bed together as always, and made sweet, tender love under the light of the moon spilling in from Kihyun's window, drifting off to sleep soon afterwards, draped all over each other in warmth and bliss. 

But at that moment, it was some ungodly hour early in the morning, the room pitch-black in darkness, chilly, and Hoseok's heart was pounding painfully hard, his breath coming short, and he had kicked away all of their blankets in his sleep, leaving the two of them shivering and exposed. Kihyun winced in pain as Hoseok unwound his muscular arms from around Kihyun's delicate waist, and Hoseok died a little inside at the soft noise. He knew that there would be painful bruises all over Kihyun's body in the morning, bruises that _he_ had caused. 

As Kihyun carefully rolled over to face him, Hoseok couldn't help but let out a sob at the look in Kihyun's eyes. He looked so distraught as he scooted closer, teary-eyed and heartbroken as he reached down to pull the blankets from the foot of the bed up to cover them both again, as he reached for Hoseok's face and stroked his cheeks, worried. 

Kihyun was quite used to Hoseok's nightmares by then, as they had been coming more and more frequently in recent weeks. But he never seemed quite convinced whenever Hoseok tried to explain them away as simple anxiety. Still, Kihyun trusted Hoseok absolutely, and loved him dearly, and so never tried to coax an explanation out of him when Hoseok obviously didn't want to talk about it. But even so, Kihyun always made it clear that he was there for Hoseok, if and when Hoseok was ready to talk. 

"Hyung," Kihyun murmured, "it's okay. Everything's okay. I'm here." 

And Hoseok began to weep, fully awake this time. He weeped from his nightmare, from accidentally hurting Kihyun, from all of the lies, from everything that had been building up inside of him in those past few weeks. It was all coming out all at once in a rush of hot, messy tears spilling down his face. 

Kihyun cooed sweet nothings and wound his arms around Hoseok's shoulders, hugged him, tilted his head up to kiss Hoseok's forehead, to kiss all over his face, to kiss his lips and his cheeks, and Hoseok's whole body shook with sobs. He felt fragile and broken, and Kihyun was the only thing holding him together. He wound his arms around Kihyun's waist, gently this time, and hugged him close. 

"Kihyunnie," Hoseok whispered, sniffling, burying his face in Kihyun's throat. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything." 

"It's alright," Kihyun said, reaching a hand up to stroke Hoseok's hair. "I'm right here. I'll always be right here." 

They kept holding each other until eventually Kihyun started to cry as well, sensitive as always to Hoseok's tears, and the two of them just lay there together crying for what felt like hours, until they eventually fell asleep again in each other's arms, faces wet and hot, and Hoseok wished with all his heart that he could say the same thing to Kihyun. 

He wished he could always be right there. 

\---------- 

Back in the present, two years have gone by since Hoseok left Kihyun. 

It's been two long, dreadful years since that awful day when Hoseok left without explanation, to save Kihyun and to protect him from the increasingly dangerous situation that Hoseok had brought upon himself, and had nearly brought right to Kihyun's doorstep. 

But, even after all this time, Hoseok never stops thinking about Kihyun, and never stops hoping that one day they can be together again. 

Still, life goes on. 

The days and weeks and months all blend into each other, uneventful, dull, and Hoseok powers through it, goes about his work and misses Kihyun more terribly each and every day, his only comfort the knowledge that Kihyun is safe without him, and the hope that one day, maybe one day, they'll be reunited when Hoseok finally breaks free from the spectacular mess that is his shitty life. 

But he has no way of knowing that everything is about to change forever, on a seemingly innocuous day just like any other. 

The real story is about to begin.


	9. Chapter 9

Ever since Hoseok restarted, over two years ago and on Hyunwoo's advice, the long, careful process of making his way out of the family, his work has become rather dull, monotonous, routine, but he can't say he isn't happy that things have turned out this way. In fact, everything seems to be going exactly as he had hoped, and he's quite glad to be spared the violence and cruelty that he had once been a regular party to. 

Nowadays, he spends most of his time chaperoning, supervising deals and meetings with clients and other families, only there to make sure that everyone behaves themselves and nobody opens fire. And with Hoseok stationed in the room, watching over the family activities with his menacing presence and prominent muscles, strong and intimidating when he wants to be, it's rare that anything ever gets out of hand. 

As the months have dwindled by, Hoseok has become cautiously but increasingly optimistic about the future, about the real possibility that he may soon be able to leave for good. He feels like he can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, his jobs coming up less and less frequently, how he's been able to delegate and pass on many of his responsibilities to other recruits. He seems all primed to be able to make his exit any day now, and at this point, Hoseok feels that it's all just a waiting game, all just a matter of waiting for the right time, the right circumstances. 

But freedom _is_ waiting for him; he can almost taste it. The end is in sight, and the thought of being able to see Kihyun again is what keeps him going. 

As far as he's concerned, the critical thing now is to lay low, to keep his head down and not cause any trouble or get involved in anything too complicated, all so that his eventual leave will be hardly felt, and he'll be barely missed. And it's precisely for this reason that he's losing his patience, becoming more and more angered and frustrated by a certain person who presents a constant hindrance to his plan, a certain person who continues to pester him incessantly. 

That certain person is none other than Lee Minhyuk, still trying to rope Hoseok in on his suicide mission, even two years after Hoseok soundly rejected him the first time. And Hoseok certainly has no plans to change his mind anytime soon. 

But Minhyuk is nothing if not stubborn, and this time, he's cornered Hoseok at the bar of one of the family-owned nightclubs, sliding up to the glass barstool right next to Hoseok's and grabbing onto his arm before Hoseok has the chance to escape, Minhyuk's fingers latching onto Hoseok's jacket like claws. 

Hoseok has just come out of another back-room meeting regarding their family's ongoing deal with the city's most prominent heroin supplier slash manufacturer, and he's not much in the mood to be accosted. More so now than ever before, it's becoming difficult for him to sit idly by while these despicable people brag so proudly about the millions that they're going to rake in by continuing to feed poison into society's lowest and most desperate population, continuing to breathe life into an industry that would only exacerbate the existing violence and spawn more from its ashes. And what's worse, he's only just beginning to fully appreciate his own role in all of this, the shame eating away at him, how for so long he contributed to keeping this family and its deplorable activities alive and thriving. 

Even so, and despite his own feelings on the matter, Hoseok had done his job and watched over the meeting as a mediator, and it had all gone smoothly, and their family was about to get even richer with their newly increased share of the drug-dealing profits, though that didn't matter much to Hoseok, who always took only what he needed to get by. What mattered more, and troubled him greatly, was the increased power that would come with all of that increased wealth, and how even if he did succeed in escaping, he'd be leaving behind a malevolent behemoth, a building menace that even now was growing larger and stronger every day, steadily working to devour everything in sight. Hoseok couldn't help but wonder how long it would be before it would consume the entire world, and the thought was enough to form a tight, dense knot of guilt deep inside his chest, one which no amount of optimism could entirely get rid of. 

Needless to say, his night has been bad enough without Minhyuk showing up, and Hoseok is just about to tell him off, to tell him exactly where he can shove his moronic idea for the umpteenth time, but Minhyuk is too quick and beats him to it, speaking first before Hoseok can even open his mouth. 

"How was the meeting?" Minhyuk asks, finally releasing Hoseok's jacket and motioning to the bartender to bring him a drink. He turns back to look at Hoseok and smirks. "Everyone behaved themselves?" 

"I don't want to talk about it," Hoseok mumbles. The nightclub they're in is one of the city's louder, trendier ones, a well-known local hangout spot for youngsters completely unaware of its sinister ownership, and the pulsing neon lights and the deep bass of the music are giving Hoseok a migraine even as he throws back the lightest, clearest alcohol he could get his hands on, Minhyuk's sudden presence only adding fuel to the fire. 

"Hoseok..." Minhyuk starts to say something, but he's interrupted by the bartender sliding him his drink. It's something of an odd, vibrant pink color that turns Hoseok's stomach at the sight of it, but Minhyuk downs the entire thing in one swallow before slamming his glass back down onto the counter and continuing, color filling his cheeks as the alcohol starts to take effect. 

"You see how bad things are getting?" he slurs, and Hoseok realizes with a twinge of faint antipathy that that wasn't Minhyuk first drink of the night. "Soon, these guys are going to be rolling in so much dough, they'll own the whole city and everyone in it." 

Hoseok hums in acknowledgement as he gestures at the bartender for a second drink for himself. If he's gotten himself trapped in another hostile conversation with Minhyuk, and drunk Minhyuk no less, he knows he'll need it. 

"Have you heard the talks about an alliance? A goddamn alliance," Minhyuk continues, tapping his fingers on the counter, impatiently waiting for his turn for a refill. The bartender hands Hoseok his second drink before getting to work on Minhyuk's...third? Fourth? Hoseok can only guess. 

Hoseok swallows down his second drink and considers Minhyuk's words, the alcohol burning sharply as it slides down his throat. Minhyuk's not kidding; there have been rumors flying around amongst the higher-ranking family members that the boss was making moves for them to ally with one of the other top three powerful families, and Hoseok shudders to think about the kind of treachery that not one but two powerful crime families could get up to if they joined forces. 

"We're going to miss our chance, Hoseok," Minhyuk says, accepting his drink with a nod to the bartender. He doesn't drink this one right away, just lazily traces the rim of the glass with his finger and looks down into its contents as if they contain all of the answers. Hoseok thinks he looks almost contemplative. 

" _Your_ chance," Hoseok replies. The bartender offers Hoseok another drink but Hoseok declines, asks for water instead. 

" _Our_ chance," Minhyuk insists, finally throwing back his drink, downing the entire contents in one swallow again. He slams it back down and sighs loudly, exaggerated. " _Everyone's_ chance." 

Hoseok doesn't say anything as the bartender hands him a tall glass of water. He just eyes Minhyuk cautiously, takes a sip and waits for him to continue. 

"Hoseok," Minhyuk says, looking at Hoseok as if Hoseok's the one being infuriatingly stubborn. "You know we're _all_ going down if this happens. We're all finished. They'll be unstoppable, and we'll never be able to escape. Nobody will." 

"I'll be gone by then," Hoseok replies, drinking more water, his head clearing and his headache subsiding slightly. He briefly considers the thought that, once out, maybe he'll give up alcohol entirely. 

"That's never gonna work, Hoseok, stop kidding yourself," Minhyuk says. He starts absentmindedly picking at the corner of the damp napkin underneath his drink, ripping off little pieces and making a mess. The bartender is off tending to some other important family members at the other end of the bar, so it'll be a while before Minhyuk can get another drink. 

"You're meeting with the boss in the morning for some unspecified purpose, everyone's heard about it. You must know he's gonna call on _you_ to oversee the alliance negotiations tomorrow night, right?" Minhyuk continues, still fixated on the napkin. "And there are new people joining not just our family, but the others as well. All the time. They're people the likes of which we could never hope to go up against." 

Minhyuk suddenly goes still and glances around to his left and right, as if to make sure nobody is listening in, though Hoseok himself can barely hear Minhyuk over the loud pulse of the music. He turns back to Hoseok and leans forward, his voice going serious. 

"I've heard talks about some new guy, a _kid_ , sharp and smart and talented, who's risen up remarkably fast," Minhyuk says. "Apparently, he's made leadership level of the family we'll be allying with, their inner circle, in a matter of months. That's the kind of people we'll be dealing with if we don't act soon." 

"I don't care," Hoseok replies. It's not true, of course; he _does_ care, but Minhyuk doesn't need to know that, and Hoseok knows he'll have to deal with the guilt of what he's leaving behind, but he'll only do so once he's long gone and far away from all of this. "It's not gonna be my problem anymore. I'm taking a page from Hyunwoo's book, and that's that." 

"Hyunwoo was a fool, Hoseok, how many times do I have to say it?" Minhyuk says, frowning. "I know he's our friend but he was wrong, he made a big mistake, and one day it's gonna come back to bite him. You know that." 

"You may think he was a fool," Hoseok says, "but Hyunwoo's _married_ now. He's happy. And we couldn't even go to the wedding." 

Hoseok pauses, lifts his glass slowly and takes a long drink of water, drinks until the acid of the alcohol is nothing but a faint aftertaste. Then, he places his glass back down on the counter with care, his hands trembling almost imperceptibly. 

"I couldn't go to the wedding of one of my oldest and dearest friends," Hoseok finishes. He sighs. "I can't be trapped here anymore, Minhyuk." 

Minhyuk scowls, and seems at a loss for words for a moment. He watches Hoseok with distaste for a few seconds, but then his eyes flash with sudden understanding at Hoseok's silence, and he scoffs. 

"Is this about that guy?" he asks, fiddling with his empty glass. He chuckles in bitter amusement and Hoseok wants to punch him. "It's been over two years and you still haven't moved on?" 

"What happened to your whole speech about him coming after me?" Hoseok snaps, anger rising quickly in his chest. Leave it to Minhyuk to find his weak spot and immediately go in for the kill. 

Hoseok would be lying if he said that he didn't have doubts, didn't spend sleepless nights angsting over the thought that Kihyun might have given up on waiting for him after so much time had gone by. Hoseok knew that Kihyun had loved him dearly, and would have done everything in his power to find Hoseok after Hoseok left, but Kihyun was only human, was only a regular person, and as much as it broke Hoseok's heart to think about it, he wouldn't be shocked to learn that Kihyun had eventually given up on looking, and then grown tired of waiting. 

_After all_ , Hoseok thinks miserably, _surely I'm not worth the wait._

Still, Hoseok always tried to push those thoughts away whenever they reared their ugly heads, always desperately clung to the hope that Kihyun would be right there where he had left him, ready to accept Hoseok and fall back into Hoseok's arms when this was all over and behind him for good. And he didn't appreciate Minhyuk bringing up his anxieties right now, not when he was trying to catch a break from what had been a spectacularly shitty night. 

"Well, obviously, he hasn’t come after you," Minhyuk says, looking away from Hoseok and picking up his glass, examining it; Hoseok knows he's only doing so to avoid Hoseok's eyes. "He could be married now, for all you know. Living in another country, living it up with his new man. Probably forgot all about you. Just another waifish little slut–." 

At that, Hoseok suddenly grabs Minhyuk by the collar with both hands and yanks him forward in anger, causing Minhyuk to drop his empty drink onto the floor in surprise, the glass shattering into a thousand pieces. Hoseok huffs out loudly, his eyes burning and livid, seething, and Minhyuk deflates a little under his rage. Hoseok knows full well that Minhyuk didn't really mean it, and was just trying to rile him up, just lashing out in frustration at Hoseok's refusal to help him, but that doesn't mean that Hoseok can't be pissed, can't be _furious_ , because _how dare he talk about Kihyun like that._

"Everything all right over here?" the bartender asks, coming over quickly at the noise. He doesn't look particularly bothered, looks more annoyed than anything else, and Hoseok figures that he's probably used to this kind of thing given his establishment's regular clientele. 

"Everything's fine," Hoseok says, his voice coming out deep and rough like a growl. Minhyuk seems to have shriveled up in his grip, weak and terrified, all talk and no bite, and Hoseok is tempted to just throw him down roughly to the ground. But Minhyuk knows about Kihyun, knows what he looks like and knows that he's Hoseok's weakness, which means that Hoseok has to at least maintain civil relations with Minhyuk at all times in order to ensure Kihyun's safety. In other words, his hands are tied, and he can't kick Minhyuk's snarky ass the way he so very much wants to right now. 

And so, he just does the most he can and glares at Minhyuk for one more long moment before finally releasing him with a grunt, cooling down his temper for the time being. "Just don't give this one any more to drink," he says to the bartender, eyes not leaving Minhyuk. "He's plastered out of his mind. Saying things he doesn't mean." 

Minhyuk whimpers and rubs at his sore neck for a moment, hesitant to speak again. Hoseok watches him with disbelief, shaking his head and sighing deeply. 

"What did I ever do to you, Minhyuk?" he asks, exhausted. "Why do you hate me so much?" The alcohol is starting to work on him, that and his lack of sleep, and he suddenly feels so tired, suddenly wants nothing more than to go home for the night. 

Minhyuk doesn't reply right away, just grumbles and taps his fingers on the counter, stubbornly avoiding Hoseok's gaze. He takes a deep breath and then carefully stands up on wobbly legs, acts like he didn't even hear Hoseok's questions. 

"You need to get your priorities straight, Hoseok," he says, finally, sliding his jacket on and pulling some crumpled bills out of his pocket to pay for his drinks. "You're making a mistake. The same mistake Hyunwoo made, and you're gonna get yourself killed." He pushes the barstool in and turns to face Hoseok, and his eyes look defeated. 

"Don’t you see it? This is all we have left, you and I," he says. "No life of our own, just an opportunity. A chance to maybe do some good, and clean up some of the mess we've made before we die." 

"You're wrong," Hoseok replies, curling his fist, his knuckles white with tension. "I have hope." 

"Do you really, Hoseok?" Minhyuk asks. "Stop lying to yourself. You know there's no hope." 

With that, Minhyuk turns away and leaves, a slight drunken sway to his steps. Hoseok watches him go but isn't really paying attention, his mind whirring with a cascade of anxious thoughts and conflicting emotions. 

Even if he does manage to escape from the family, and even if he does manage to find Kihyun and reconnect, will things ever be the same between them? Can they ever go back to what they had? Hoseok wonders how foolish he's being for hoping that they'll be able to pick up right where they left off, as if nothing happened. 

And Hoseok can't help but wonder about Kihyun himself. Will he be the same Kihyun that Hoseok remembers? Hoseok can only imagine how much could've happened in the past two years, what Kihyun could've been up to and where he's ended up now. Surely, he must have finished school, and probably has a nice job and new friends, the beginnings of a wonderful, peaceful life already starting to take shape. 

Even if Kihyun accepted Hoseok back, as just a friend or more, how could Hoseok ever possibly hope to reconcile their different worlds, and where would he fit into Kihyun's new life? Hoseok had never even finished high school, and knows full well the chances of getting an education or finding a respectable job given his criminal background are low, Hyunwoo's success being a one-time miracle mostly due to Hyunwoo's charisma and unshakable determination. To Hoseok, Hyunwoo represents both an ideal vision of what could be, and an impossible fantasy that Hoseok wonders if he could ever possibly hope to achieve. Would he be able to take care of Kihyun the way he so desperately wants to, the way Kihyun deserves? 

And really, what would Hoseok even have to offer Kihyun once he was out? Would they ever be able to have a family? Would Hoseok ever be able to forgive himself and become a decent enough person that they could raise children together? Would Hoseok ever be able to overcome his past and everything that he had done and live life as a regular person? 

Hoseok sighs, a burning pressure pushing behind his eyes, and gulps down the rest of his water, then flags down the bartender with a weak raise of his hand and a grimace. 

He's going to need another drink after all. 

\---------- 

_On a chilly winter evening, Hoseok and Kihyun are together in the city park, hands clasped between them tightly through their mittens, walking in comfortable, peaceful silence. It's well past midnight and the park is deserted, the city around them silent and sleeping, but Kihyun and Hoseok are wide awake, and all too happy to enjoy this rare glimpse of a quiet, resting world together._

_The night sky is hidden by a layer of thick, fluffy clouds, blocking out the stars and the moon, but neither of them mind; it makes the space around them feel condensed and cozy, like they're walking underneath a soft, gray blanket._

_Kihyun always likes to do these kinds of things, is always by far the more adventurous and spontaneous of the two of them, so when Hoseok suggested, completely out of the blue, that they take a late-night stroll together in the park, Kihyun had smiled brightly, pleasantly surprised, and had gotten dressed and ready within minutes, then taken hold of Hoseok's hand to lead the two of them out into the clear, dry, brisk winter air, the two of them enveloped immediately in that wonderful, distinct smell of freshly-fallen snow._

_They both love the wintertime, and it's pretty much the ideal winter evening. It's snowing, of course, fat, fluffy, gorgeous snowflakes drifting down from the sky, landing delicately onto their red cheeks and onto their shoulders, melting in their hair and on the ends of their eyelashes. Everything around them is already covered in snow, and the trees are particularly beautiful, the frozen branches winding and twisting around each other in complex, intricate patterns. They breathe out puffs of clean, refreshing cold air as they walk, shivering but happily wrapped up in warm coats and thick scarves around their necks, their boots making a satisfying crunching noise as they walk over the snow-covered park pathway, the smooth cobblestones hidden underneath layers of beautiful, pristine, glowing white. The park is all lit up by the soft, golden glow of the streetlights, tall and elegant, old-fashioned looking and guiding their way along the path._

_They take the familiar route that they've taken hundreds of times around the entire park, past the large fountain at the center, past the benches and the playground and the tables, all noise hushed by the blankets of untouched, glittering snow. It's like walking through a dream together, like a little wonderland just for the two of them._

_They come to their favorite spot in the park, the charming wooden bridge arching over a small stream, completely frozen clear and smooth like glass, the bridge itself covered in sheets of perfect snow as they approach. Hoseok remembers a particular day when they came to this bridge and it was sunny out, the snow all melted away, the wood of the bridge warm beneath their fingertips, the water reflecting rainbows in the sunshine following a light summer rain. It had been beautiful then, too, and Kihyun had been even more beautiful with the sunshine in his soft hair and his face flushed in warmth, the breeze gentle and the sweet smell of summer flowers in the air._

_Hoseok smiles to himself at the memory and suddenly stops walking, stops right at the center of the bridge. Kihyun stops too and turns to face Hoseok with curiosity twinkling in his gaze, his eyes bright and beautiful, his lips pink, the snowflakes clinging to his cheeks. The two of them face each other at the center of the bridge, and Hoseok takes both of Kihyun's hands in his, squeezes them affectionately, as Kihyun looks up at him with lips parted in surprise._

_"Hoseok, what is it?" he asks._

_Hoseok doesn't say anything as he releases Kihyun's hands, then motions for Kihyun to come in for a hug, Kihyun smiling his beautiful, glowing smile that Hoseok treasures above all else. Kihyun moves happily into Hoseok's embrace, lets out a soft, sweet, happy noise, then wraps his arms tightly around Hoseok's waist, resting his chin comfortably on Hoseok's shoulder, Hoseok wrapping his own arms around Kihyun's shoulders and pulling him in tightly. He brings a hand up to gently stroke Kihyun's hair, petting him with his large hands, Kihyun's hair damp and icy from the snow, Kihyun's cheek warm pressed up next to Hoseok's._

_Kihyun feels small and soft in Hoseok's arms, even bundled up in so many layers, and they share their body heat as they embrace, warming each other up amidst the cold air around them. Hoseok can feel Kihyun's gentle breathing, his trembling from the cold, and as Hoseok keeps petting Kihyun's hair, Kihyun starts to gently rub Hoseok's lower back. Hoseok closes his eyes and breathes deeply, and Kihyun does too, and they both stand their swaying slightly as they hold each other with snow still falling all around them. Even as Hoseok envelopes tiny Kihyun in his much larger form, he swears he's never felt so safe._

_After a few wonderful moments, they part, but only just, not taking their arms away from each other, moving back just enough to be able to look into each other's eyes, and Kihyun is so breathtaking that Hoseok is speechless for a moment, blinking in wonder as he takes in Kihyun's flushed cheeks and red lips and beautiful eyes. He takes another deep breath and blushes, then speaks with a soft voice, his heart pounding in his chest._

_"Kihyunnie," Hoseok says. "I wanted to come here tonight because there's something I want to say to you." Kihyun's hands flatten against Hoseok's back, holding onto him firmly, and he looks at Hoseok with wide eyes, tilting his head slightly in confusion._

_Hoseok gently releases Kihyun from his embrace and takes a step back, Kihyun's hands sliding down his waist. He then takes Kihyun's hands in his own again between the two of them, and he holds Kihyun's hands gently, not the tight clasp of before, not intertwined, but delicately, like Kihyun is a fragile, porcelain doll. Kihyun looks at him with fondness, and Hoseok can feel Kihyun's heartbeat at his fingertips even through his mittens, can feel how it picks up as Hoseok speaks._

_"Kihyunnie, I know you know this," Hoseok begins, "but I love you so much. I really love you with everything that I have. You're the most important thing in the world to me."_

_Hoseok takes another deep breath, his voice shaking as his emotions start to push behind his eyes. His vision is shaking, but he focuses in on Kihyun, on Kihyun's sweet little face, and he presses Kihyun's hands between his as Kihyun goes completely still, watching him with half-lidded eyes and lips parted in anticipation. He's holding his breath; Hoseok is too._

_"Our time together has been the happiest time of my life," Hoseok says. "Each day, each moment that I can spend with you is a blessing, and you make me happy in ways I didn't even know were possible for someone like me. You give my life so much joy and so much meaning, you make me understand what it means to be alive and to be happy."_

_Kihyun's eyes grow wide again, and wet, making them appear even bigger and more beautiful, and he blinks slowly, taking in Hoseok's loving words in the hush of silence around them. He finally lets out a soft breath as Hoseok runs his thumbs over Kihyun's knuckles, neither one of them able to look away from each other, gazes locked and full of so many emotions, all of their time together and all of their feelings communicated by their eyes._

_"Being with you, I've lived so much," Hoseok goes on. "I've laughed so much, I've learned so much, and you've made me feel whole. You've made me feel special and beautiful and loved, and all I want is to return that love to you and to care for you, to make your life as wonderful as you've made mine."_

_Kihyun lets out a soft gasp as Hoseok finally lets go of Kihyun's hands and, without breaking eye contact, removes one of Kihyun's mittens, the left mitten. Hoseok puts the mitten away into his coat pocket and takes Kihyun's now bare hand in both of his, and Kihyun's fingers are soft and warm to the touch. Hoseok's heart is pounding so hard now, he can hear it like a drum beat inside his own head, and he struggles to focus for a moment with all of the emotions coursing through him. And Kihyun, Kihyun starts to cry, still, silent, gorgeous crystal tears falling down his cheeks and the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Kihyun knows Hoseok like he knows himself, and so he has already guessed what's about to happen._

_"There's no one else in this world who knows me like you do, who understands me and accepts me, flaws and all, like you do," Hoseok says. His voice starts to grow thick as his eyes fill with tears, and he smiles as the first drops spill over and down his face. He's been waiting for this moment for a long time now._

_"You're my best friend and my precious companion and my perfect partner, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you," Hoseok says as the tears fall, as his hands shake. "I want to always be by your side through the good and the bad and everything in between."_

_His eyes not leaving Kihyun's, Hoseok drops down to the snow-covered ground and onto one knee, one hand still holding onto Kihyun's and the other reaching into his pocket. He retrieves a small, velvet box and opens it with his thumb, revealing a simple but gorgeous white-gold band that sparkles like starlight. Kihyun smiles wide and squeezes Hoseok's hand, cries harder and sobs in happiness, his legs shaking._

_"Kihyunnie," Hoseok asks, feeling like his heart is about to burst, "will you marry me?"_

_Kihyun's legs give out and he falls to his knees, down into the soft snow with a quiet thump. He sobs again and throws his arms around Hoseok's shoulders, then kisses him full on the lips, Hoseok's eyes slipping closed as he laughs against Kihyun's mouth, both of their faces wet with snowflakes and tears. Still holding onto the open box, Hoseok wraps his arms around Kihyun's waist and hugs him again, squeezes him tight, and Kihyun just keeps kissing him with closed eyes still leaking with tears, sobbing, crying, smiling, bursting with love, and this is truly the most wonderful moment of Hoseok's entire life._

_"Yes," Kihyun murmurs between kisses. "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes."_

_After a few minutes of joyful, soft kisses, they finally pull apart and gaze into each other's teary eyes, Hoseok's arms around Kihyun's back and Kihyun's arms loose around Hoseok's shoulders, both of them so excited and smiling and shaking with happiness. They unwind their arms from around each other and right there, with both of them sitting on their knees in the snow, Hoseok carefully removes the ring from the box and then, taking Kihyun's bare left hand in his own shaking hands again, slips the ring onto Kihyun's finger._

_It fits perfectly, and Kihyun wearing it is the most beautiful sight that Hoseok has ever seen, more beautiful than he ever could've dreamed or imagined._

_They both admire the ring for a moment, breathless, then look up into each other's eyes again and before Hoseok can catch his breath, Kihyun is throwing his arms around Hoseok's shoulders again and they're falling down into the snow together in happiness and laughter, and Kihyun just can't stop kissing him._

_Hoseok basks in it, in this perfect, beautiful moment, and allows the joy to fill up his entire body, excited for the future and for the thousands of more perfect, beautiful moments that are sure to come as they spend the rest of their lives together. And the snow keeps falling around them as they kiss, and everything is just too beautiful and too perfect and all he can feel and think about is how happy he is, how happy he'll always be from now on..._

But of course, it's all just a dream. Hoseok is not really at the park on a gorgeous winter night with Kihyun. No, Hoseok is asleep, asleep in his crappy bed, in his crappy apartment, all alone. 

Hoseok had had several more drinks once Minhyuk had finally left him after their conversation, and had stumbled home in the early hours of the morning only when he found himself the last one at the bar, only when the bartender had started closing up and shooed him away with a look of sympathy. 

But somehow, some way, Hoseok's drunken mind has conjured up something nice for once, something beautiful, and has allowed Hoseok the rare gift of being able to enjoy it. That is to say, he doesn't wake from his dream this time, but sleeps on soundly through the night, through its entirety, and gets to experience pure happiness for at least a few wonderful hours in the confines of his subconscious. And it's a fortunate thing too, this blissful sleep; Hoseok will need it. 

He doesn't know it yet, but tomorrow is going to be a very important day indeed.


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning, Hoseok barely has time for a cup of coffee before he's rushing over to meet the boss for their arranged meeting. He knows that whatever happens, and no matter how much he may despise the man, he absolutely _cannot_ be late. Lateness is simply not an option when you're on the boss's schedule, and there are always nasty consequences for anyone who dares to waste the man's valuable time. Hoseok certainly doesn't want to end up on that sinister chopping block, certainly doesn't want to be anywhere else but on the boss's good side, not after he's come so far and is so close to freedom. 

Punctuality is usually not an issue for Hoseok, because he barely sleeps anyway, but today already seems to be unusual even right at its beginning. He had slept much better, much deeper than he was used to, and it had resulted in him actually _over_ sleeping, even through his multiple alarms. He really can't remember the last time that happened, and so was understandably caught off-guard when he awoke to the sun already risen high in the sky, his mind and body drowsy and relaxed, all bundled up in blankets that had actually stayed on his body throughout the night instead of being kicked away in his sleep. He had actually felt quite _good_ , physically, with his migraine from last night completely vanished, but his limbs were moving too slowly, too lethargically given the urgency of his need to get up and get moving. 

He can't remember what exactly he had dreamed about, other than faint glimmers of happiness and excitement, followed by softer feelings of deep adoration and serene contentment, a genuine belief that everything was perfect and the world was a beautiful place. It figures that he always remembers his nightmares in vivid detail but can't seem to remember what he guesses must have been a very nice dream indeed. He thinks he can remember snow, and nighttime, and Kihyun (he always remembers Kihyun) but that's about it. 

In any case, his rushed commute on the subway and then down several city blocks has his heart pounding painfully fast and hard by the time he makes it to the boss's office, located on the fourth floor of one of the city's most expensive and luxurious hotels (partially owned by their family, of course, and a front for many clandestine dealings and other criminal activities). He had passed the aquarium on the way there and remembered that very special date with Kihyun, and the jellyfish room, how happy they had been, and he had allowed himself a few precious seconds to freely reminisce. He thought that after everything he had been through, and all the dark times that still lay ahead, it was the least he deserved. 

By some miracle, he arrives at the boss's office a few minutes early, and he spends the extra time in the hallway by the elevator catching his breath and steeling himself for facing the powerful man, one of the only people in the world whom Hoseok is genuinely scared of. 

Hoseok breathes slowly, deeply, tells himself over and over again that despite who this man is and the things he's done, the true _evil_ that Hoseok knows he's capable of, he's still just a man, flesh and blood like everyone else, and Hoseok has no reason to worry about this meeting. It's just routine, and basic, a formality more than anything else since Hoseok already knows exactly what's going to be asked of him, and hopefully it will be over quickly, before the fear has a chance to really sink in and screw everything up. Hoseok's ever-present, ever-intense emotions have no place here, not when so much is on the line for his future. 

He turns the corner into another hallway, and he's been to these kinds of meetings with the boss often enough that the presence of a stoic, hulking bodyguard right outside the double doors of the office doesn't faze him one bit. Hell, he thinks that if it really came down to a physical fight, he could take this guy on no problem. After all, size and strength don't mean a thing if you don't have the brains to back them up, if you don't have the skills and the experience and the _ferocity_ to back them up. Hoseok has all of those things, and in abundance when needed. 

Besides the bodyguard, there are several cameras placed around the room, and Hoseok knows that there are cameras inside the office as well, monitoring everything, every coming and going and every moment of activity at all times. As if the guards and camera weren't enough precautions, there's also a metal detector right at the doorway when one enters, as well as explosive and chemical detectors embedded inside the walls. Moreover, the boss has a strict "no belongings" policy inside his office; if one is to meet with the boss, then they're to leave all of their bags, boxes, anything on their person besides the clothes on their back outside the office for safe keeping. 

If it were anyone else, Hoseok might've been impressed by how thorough it all was, but with the boss, he only feels dread and trepidation at just how terrifying, how _untouchable_ this man really is. And Minhyuk really thinks he has any chance in hell of taking down this guy? No, the safest approach, the only _real_ approach, is to leave quietly, to escape the belly of the beast as carefully as possible without awaking its wrath, Hoseok is certain. 

There's a large mirror on the wall adjacent to the office doors, and Hoseok takes a moment to double-check his appearance underneath the soft, elegant lights. He smooths down his hair and adjusts his dark gray tie, checks for any wrinkles in his expensive, dark gray suit and black dress shirt as well as any scuffs on his matte leather black shoes. 

He's dressed much more formally than usual, as he's often chastised by others in the family for his casual clothing preferences. What can he say, he loves his dark wash jeans and leather jackets. But this is a meeting with the boss, after all, and if his and Minhyuk's predictions are correct, he has another meeting to go to later that night in which a suit will be required. Their family has a strict policy that, so as to provide a good representation of their wealth and status, all members must wear suits when partaking in any inter-family meetings or activities. 

Hoseok looks damn good in a suit, he knows, _really_ damn good, handsome and strong, the suit tailored perfectly to his well-built body, an expensive watch adorning his wrist and expensive cufflinks shining under the lights. He's even wearing earrings, small, silver studs that show his youth yet are elegant and professional. Still, even with how good he looks, it doesn't really feel like the real him. It feels instead like he's stepped into somebody else's body, even though it's his own face looking back at him in the mirror with dark, hardened eyes. 

He takes one last deep breath and then steps over to the bodyguard exactly thirty seconds before the scheduled meeting time, leaving his wallet and keys on the table just outside and tensing a bit as the bodyguard pats him down. Hoseok doesn't have his gun or his knife with him today, and he feels naked without them there for protection, anxious. When the bodyguard is finished, he turns and knocks on the dark wood of the doorway, three loud, solid knocks with a heavy fist. 

Hoseok waits, his palms sweating, and there's a small clicking noise as the double doors are electronically unlocked, a quiet creaking noise as they open remotely from a small button that Hoseok knows that the boss has under his desk, right next to the panic button meant to call for muscled backup in the case of any attempt on his life. Hoseok knows for certain that that little button is the only thing stopping Minhyuk from attempting an assassination during a routine meeting; even someone as reckless as Minhyuk can recognize how pointless that would be. Hoseok doesn't move until the doors open entirely, and when he finally does step inside and onto the dark carpet, he shivers; the room is noticeably colder than the hallway. 

The doors creak closed behind him, shutting out the light from the hallway until he's standing in near-darkness, all natural light from the massive window behind the boss's desk blocked by blackout curtains, the only sources of light in the entire room a tall, standing lamp in one corner and a small table lamp on the boss's desk. If Hoseok hadn't just come in from outside, he'd have no idea that it was actually early in the morning. The boss's office is timeless, as if it's always late in the evening here, and as the double doors click shut, Hoseok is completely enveloped in eerie silence and the smells of smoke, leather, and alcohol. Again, if it were anyone else, Hoseok might appreciate the classy, austere aesthetic. But in this case, it all just feels menacing, frightening, like whoever enters this space may never be able to leave. 

The office is quite spacious but mostly empty, and the walls are lined with dark wooden bookshelves filled with many different kinds of books, some newer and some antiques, many containing terrible secrets. Hoseok happens to know that one of these bookshelves is actually a fake, and with the press of a button it opens to reveal a hidden safe and weapons vault containing several loaded guns as well as various knives and things. As for the safe, even Hoseok doesn't know what's in there, what such a cruel person like the boss might consider precious; he's never been granted the privilege to see inside. There's also a small table off in one of the corners with expensive whiskey, a few glasses, and a landline phone (the boss's private line) as well as two large leather chairs for visitors arranged in front of the boss's desk. Everything is tidy, impeccable, straight-edged and in its specifically designated place, not even a speck of dust daring to show itself. 

The boss is seated at his desk, but he's turned away from the doors and facing the window along the back wall, so Hoseok only sees the tall backing of his leather chair, a bit of his shadow on the curtains, and his hands and forearms resting on the chair's armrests as he sits upon it with the air of a tyrannical king on his throne. This is not an unusual setup, and it's typical for the boss to not look at those he's talking to, but rather, to let them only hear his voice, to let them speculate and squirm about what kind of expression might be on his face, what kind of brutality might be lurking in his eyes. 

Hoseok knows from his own training that this is an intimidation tactic, and it certainly is intimidating, not even being allowed to make eye contact with the person you're speaking to, one who might be deciding your fate, one who holds your life in his hands. All you get is his voice, and it isn't particularly deep or forceful, but it's cold and unfeeling, pierces through you like a knife, and it's terrifying, enough to run one's blood cold and keep them up at night out of fear that that voice might give the order for their elimination, and casually so like an afterthought. As Hoseok steps closer, that voice begins to speak, and Hoseok's whole body tenses up, a shiver running down his spine. 

"Take a seat," the boss says. 

Hoseok does so in one of the large leather chairs in front of the boss's desk, sits down without a word and waits patiently for the boss to speak again, lest Hoseok accidentally interrupt him. That would be disastrous, even for someone as high ranking as he is. He may hate this man but he knows it's best to not rock the boat, not now anyway, so he'll swallow his pride and his true feelings and feed into the boss's ego, will be exactly the obedient subordinate that he's supposed to be. 

"I'm sure you've guessed why I've called you here today," the boss continues. 

Hoseok shifts nervously in his seat, looks down at the dark carpet to find his focus, to go into his emotionless, hardened state that he's perfected over the years when dealing with such situations. It's not like he has to worry about eye contact anyway, not when he's speaking to the back of a chair. 

"Yes, sir," Hoseok replies, his voice unfeeling. "There's a top priority meeting tonight you'd like me to oversee. And it's about the alliance." 

"That's correct," the boss says. "We'll be meeting tonight with representatives from the other side to begin preliminary discussions. I will not be attending and so I would like for you to ensure that everything goes smoothly." 

"Of course," Hoseok says. 

"This alliance is of utmost importance," the boss continues. "Surely someone as sharp as yourself has noticed the tensions between our families and others in recent years?" 

"Yes," Hoseok says. He has slipped into full working mode now, cold and mechanical, doing and saying exactly what's expected of him with no emotion and no room for dispute, only compliance, like the living weapon he was designed to be. 

"As we grow larger, as other families grow larger, the city grows smaller," the boss says. "Territory, clients, wealth, power, it's all becoming more and more scarce, more and more valuable. A full war could break out at any moment if nothing is done to keep things in check." 

The boss pauses for a moment, but Hoseok can tell that he isn't finished speaking yet, and so he waits, doesn't even dare to breathe too loudly or shift too much in his chair. 

"Now personally, I'm not interested in a war. It would not be good for business," the boss says. "And this alliance is meant to ease some of this tension, maybe hold off this war for the time being, though we all know it is most likely inevitable." 

The boss sighs and leans back in his chair, and the way he speaks so casually about violence has Hoseok seething on the inside, but he holds it all in and doesn't let it show on his face or in his body language. Even though the boss can't see him, Hoseok knows that, like Hoseok, the boss has been trained to pick up on the little things, shifts in the air, imperceptible noises, the kinds of things that give away a person's true feelings and intentions, the very aura surrounding a person even when they can't be seen. 

"There will be time for war later," the boss continues. "And so, we can think of this alliance more as an armistice than as a genuine friendship or collaboration. It's meant to be temporary, a way to placate one of our greatest enemies as we consolidate our power, and deter any violence from other large families for the time being. Do you understand?" 

"Yes, sir," Hoseok says, an automatic response. 

"As for the meeting tonight," the boss says, "I have chosen you as one of our most trusted and experienced both at overseeing the direction of the negotiations and at maintaining order if the atmosphere becomes too hostile. You know the usual protocol and what I'm expecting of you." 

"Of course," Hoseok says, hoping that this meeting will be over soon so he can breathe and exist normally again, so he can go far, far away from this terrible man. "Will that be all, sir?" 

"No," the boss says, firmly. "I also wanted to speak with you about something else." 

Hoseok swallows nervously, can feel the color draining from his face. "Yes, sir?" he asks, thankful that his voice doesn't shake. 

"I've noticed that you've changed your workload somewhat," the boss says, and Hoseok grows increasingly tense as he continues. "For quite a while now, you seem to only be accepting low priority jobs, and I've been wondering why that is." 

As the boss goes on, Hoseok wonders with a pounding heart if he's a few seconds away from having to fight for his life. 

"I could understand this kind of behavior from our older recruits, who are considering retirement," the boss says. "But you're very young, of course, one of our youngest, and I find myself wondering why someone like you, so experience and so skilled, with many years of life still ahead of you, would want to take on the work of a low-level bodyguard after so many years of exclusively high-level service." 

He pauses again and Hoseok braces himself, not sure what to expect, ready to fight or bolt or do whatever he needs to do to get out of this situation alive if things go south. If the boss doesn't call for backup, he'll be fine taking down just the one guard outside, and even if the boss does call for backup, Hoseok won't be able to overpower them but he might still have a chance of escaping if he moves quickly. His thoughts are coming and going at rapid speed, but he maintains his calm composure, just like he was trained to. 

"I know you've never been one for excessive pride, only taking what you need and never demanding the luxuries that many others do despite your high rank," the boss continues. "You've always been different." 

He sighs deeply, as if he's greatly burdened, but Hoseok doesn't buy it for one second, and he has no idea where the boss is going with this, but at least, for the moment, it appears that Hoseok won't be fighting for his life after all; it's a small relief, but Hoseok is still quite anxious. 

"You're like Hyunwoo was," the boss continues. "And it makes sense. After all, you two came here together all those years ago." 

The mention of Hyunwoo sends a fresh wave of unease coursing through Hoseok's body. He had hoped, for Hyunwoo's sake and for the sake of his own plans to leave, that the boss had stopped thinking about him, had maybe even forgotten about him entirely. But he obviously hasn't, which means Minhyuk was right, and Hyunwoo isn't off the hook, the family is still keeping tabs on him, or at least keeping him in the backs of their minds. It doesn't bode well for Hyunwoo or for Hoseok, or for anyone else who might want to try to leave. Hoseok can't help but frown at that, his mind racing. 

"Now, I don't know what kind of plans you have for the future," the boss says, and Hoseok feels sweat breaking out at the back of his neck, his heart rate increasing because it's as if the boss has read his mind, "but if you're planning on following in your friend's footsteps, and your recent behavior certainly suggests so, you'd be better off forgetting that silly idea." 

"But, sir," Hoseok interjects quickly before he can stop himself. He knows immediately that he's fucked up, speaking out of turn, but he can't help it, and he decides he doesn't care. Adrenaline is coursing through his body, and at the same time he feels like he's going to be sick, to see everything all come crashing down like this. He can't let this happen. "I just–" 

"We need you here," the boss interrupts. "This is a pivotal moment for us and we can't afford to let go of one of our best." 

"Sir," Hoseok starts again, figuring that if he's already fucked up then he might as well give this a fair shot. "If you'd just let me explain–" 

"The family needs you," the boss says, clearly displeased at Hoseok's moment of insolence. "And your loyalty is to the family above all else, correct?" 

Hoseok wants to yell, wants to throw things, but his mind suddenly flashes to the image of the one to whom his loyalty truly lies, to _Kihyun_ , and just like that, his rationality takes over, reminds him that he has to play it cool, has to stay strong for Kihyun, even though leaving is obviously going to be a lot more difficult than he had anticipated. He takes a long, deep breath and lets all of his fire and frustration out in a sigh, knowing that it's for the best, it's the smart thing to do. For Kihyun. 

"Yes, sir," Hoseok replies, grumbles, and the boss seems pleased that Hoseok has rolled over so quickly. Hoseok truly despises him. 

"And so surely," the boss says. "You understand why I can't allow you to leave." It's not a question, it's a statement. The boss knows he has Hoseok trapped, though Hoseok hopes he hasn't guessed the true reason why. 

"You're free to take whatever kinds of jobs you want outside of the work directly chosen for you," the boss goes on. "However, you're here with us and you're here to stay, if not for the rest of your life than at least for the foreseeable future." 

The boss moves in his chair and Hoseok worries for a moment that he's going to turn the chair around to face him. Of course, Hoseok has seen the boss's face before, but at the moment, Hoseok doesn't know if he has the stomach to confront him directly, to look him right in the eyes without being sick. After all, the last time he actually saw the boss's face, it was the night of the _incident_ , over two years ago now, and it had been like looking into the eyes of the devil himself. Hoseok shudders, but is relieved when the boss only shifts his legs before continuing, still facing the back window and turned away from Hoseok. 

"After all we've done for you, taking you in off the street, granting you invaluable skills and knowledge," the boss says, voice cold and cruel, "you owe us your life and your lifelong loyalty, and if you ever leave, it will be when I allow it, at a time when I choose, and that time may never come. Is that clear? 

Hoseok understands now that Hyunwoo's plan, Minhyuk's plan, his own plan...none of that was ever going to work for him. A clean exit, an assassination, or a mutiny, it was never going to be as simple as that. He wonders what the right plan really is, because there must be some way, there has to be _some single way_ that will set him free, that will get him back to Kihyun. And even if there really isn't, hell if he isn't going to try everything he can, hell if he isn't going to go down kicking and screaming. Two years of having one, single desire in his heart have changed him, have sharpened his resolve, and while the old Hoseok may have wallowed in pity and given up hope at such a massive roadblock, Hoseok knows now that he can't give up, and he won't, no matter what stands in his way. 

He'll do whatever it takes to find a way out or die trying. He has to. 

_For Kihyun_. 

And if he's going to live to fight another day, he knows he has to cooperate, has to pretend like he's compliant and weak-willed. The boss has to think he's given up, even if he's more determined now than ever before. He swallows, clenches his teeth and his fists, the fight leaving his voice but not his heart. 

"Of course, sir," Hoseok says. He swallows again. "Will that be all?" 

"Yes," the boss says, "you may go now." 

Hoseok stands up and then exits promptly without another word, walks through the double doors and past the bodyguard to the elevators without looking back. 

As soon as he gets down to the lobby and then steps outside into the fresh air, he doubles over with his hands on his knees, breathing heavily, tears stinging at the backs of his eyes. He breathes in and out, in and out, in and out, his chest heaving and his mouth quivering, until his head stops spinning and his heart rate steadies to normal, until he's able to blink away the tears and continue on. 

Despite his strengthened resolve, he really has no idea what he's supposed to do now, nor why the universe seems so insistent on thwarting him at every turn. It seems like every time he's a step closer to freedom, something happens to set him back, either to demoralize him or just make things much more difficult. He wishes now more than ever that he had left with Hyunwoo, but he just hadn't had a reason to leave back then. All he knows now is that he needs to come up with something, a new plan, and fast. Nothing is on his side, not time, not luck, not fate or the universe, but he'll do whatever it takes, for however long as it takes. 

All he wants is to see Kihyun again. 

The alliance meeting begins early in the evening, in a large, extravagant boardroom on the fourteenth floor of another lavish hotel partially owned by both negotiating families. Between the two groups, there are close to twenty men of various age and experience all sitting around the table, with Hoseok and others leaning up against the walls, Hoseok supervising everything on his side with his arms crossed. They had been told by the second family that more would be joining them soon, running late due to an interrogation gone overtime (code for a stubborn, unresponsive captive), and so the room is only going to get even more cramped later on. 

Hoseok doesn't pay much attention to the meeting itself, mostly just monitors everything like he was told to do. It's a good thing he's there, too, because these men are really quite hostile with each other. Nobody seems to want to trust anybody or agree with what anybody says, and by the second hour of negotiations, with no end in sight, Hoseok is starting to get antsy. 

It's beginning to look like this alliance may be trickier than the boss had anticipated. These are just the preliminary negotiations, after all, and there are already so many problems to be addressed, so much distrust and dislike between the negotiating parties. Hoseok really could not care less about the success or failure of this alliance, except for the ways in which it will affect his ability to leave. Would a crumbling alliance help Hoseok to escape faster, to get away amidst the confusion, or would it only make his presence deemed to be more vital? Hoseok isn't sure whether he should be rooting for the alliance to succeed or not, but things are certainly shaping up to be complicated. 

Thankfully, after another forty minutes or so, tensions start to simmer down, and it seems like they may be able to break some ground after all. The representatives from both families are huddled over the table and going through a thick stack of documents, and Hoseok thinks he might die of boredom if he has to stand here for one more minute. Negotiations were never his thing, even when he did high-level assignments; he's always been more of a field agent, if that's what you'd call it in his line of work. 

At that moment, he hears a chime outside in the hallway, announcing the arrival of what must be the additional group coming out from the elevator. Almost three hours late, and Hoseok shakes his head, because who knows how the new arrivals will affect the pace of the negotiations. 

A few seconds later, the door to the boardroom opens and seven or eight guys shuffle inside to join the meeting. As the last one walks in and shuts the door behind him, back turned to the room, Hoseok gets a peculiar feeling, almost like a shock of electricity running down his spine but more...pleasant. Warmer, softer, gentle, like a glow. It's strange indeed. 

Hoseok watches curiously, head tilted up in fascination as the last guy, who really seems more like a _boy_ , fiddles with the lock above the doorknob so as to ensure the meeting's privacy, and something about him strikes Hoseok's interest. Hoseok can see from the silhouette of the dark suit that the boy is wearing that he's quite petite, and something about the way he moves is exceedingly elegant and graceful, in stark contrast to the large, powerful men he had walked in with. 

Hoseok doesn't understand why, but he's drawn in and can't look away, as if he's being pulled into this mysterious boy's orbit. It’s crazy, but it feels _right_ , it feels comforting and familiar, and Hoseok wonders if maybe his boredom is starting to go to his head, because why would he have such a strong reaction to a complete stranger, and another mobster nonetheless? 

After he gets the lock working properly, the telltale click announcing his success, the boy finally turns around, his eyes immediately swinging to find Hoseok's, the two of them locking gazes like they were always meant to find each other. 

Hoseok freezes in place, stunned. His heart stops. 

It's Kihyun.


	11. Chapter 11

For just one moment, for just one crazy, surreal moment, Hoseok considers the possibility that he's dreaming. 

After all, there's no way that this can be happening. 

He's not even entirely sure _what's_ happening here, what this all means, but this can't be real. It just can't be. 

There's no way that it's Kihyun, and there's no way that Kihyun's here, right here, right now, standing in front of Hoseok, at this place, and after all this time. 

It's just _not possible_. 

Hoseok's brain tumbles over itself with so many different questions, so many different thoughts and feelings all pushing past each other all at the same time, that he's paralyzed, completely stuck, unable to believe or to understand, unable to comprehend or even begin to react to what's happening right in front of his own two eyes. 

But the truth is, Hoseok knows for a fact that he's _not_ dreaming, because the Kihyun standing in front of him right now is much too beautiful to be anything but real. 

And from the thick cloud of confusion and denial and intense, amorphous mixed emotion swirling around in Hoseok's mind as he tries to process the reality that he's found himself in, all that emerges freely is a single thought, a single feeling, as clear as day and as powerful as the flow of time in the universe. 

Despite everything, it's _Kihyun_. 

Kihyun. 

Kihyun, Kihyun, Kihyun, Kihyun. 

Kihyun. 

Kihyun. 

It's his Kihyun, his _Kihyunnie_ , and he's so, so beautiful. 

He's everything that Hoseok remembers, everything that he's cherished so dearly and missed so terribly, everything that he's dreamed of and hoped for in all the time that they've been apart. 

Hoseok completely forgets all about the circumstances in which they've been reunited and instead, can only focus on how everything about Kihyun is so familiar and lovely, from his pink, pouty lips to his deep, gorgeous eyes, to his pretty cheeks and his sweet little face, it's all exactly as Hoseok remembers it, flushed and adorable and conjuring only intense feelings of warmth and love, _adoration_ from the very depths of his heart. 

Seeing Kihyun now, Hoseok doesn't know how he's managed to survive all this time without him by his side, and it feels like the other half of his soul has finally returned to him. All in all, he's as beautiful as always. He's striking, he's _stunning_ , and he leaves Hoseok breathless. 

Hoseok wonders if he's changed at all, wonders what Kihyun sees right now looking at him with those wide, liquid eyes of his. It's only been a few seconds since Kihyun walked in, but Hoseok feels like an eternity has passed with them staring at each other, both of them realizing at the same time that they've finally found each other and are together again. 

It's at that moment that Hoseok suddenly remembers that he wasn't actually looking to find Kihyun, not like this anyway. 

He suddenly remembers where they both are, and why they're both here, and realizes the full weight of what's happening, all of the good feelings crashing down and shattering in an instant. 

Hoseok realizes just how bad this really is, how _awful_ this really is, and how him seeing Kihyun right here, right now is not a good thing, not a good thing at all. 

Kihyun is here because he joined a crime family. 

Kihyun is here and in a dangerous situation. 

Kihyun is here because of Hoseok. 

Hoseok honestly can't believe it. He can't believe that Kihyun, sweet, innocent Kihyun, with his whole beautiful life and his whole beautiful future ahead of him, could've done such a thing, could've thrown away everything to join a crime family, just as Hoseok did all those years ago. And for what reason? To find Hoseok? Out of grief for Hoseok leaving? Either way, Hoseok knows that he's the one that's caused this, and it still doesn't seem real; it feels like the collision of two completely different worlds, two completely different and completely incompatible realities. 

Hoseok sucks in a harsh breath through parted lips; he feels like he's on the verge of collapsing under the weight of all of his emotions suddenly pushing up from the bottom of his heart, his chest clenching painfully as a million questions flicker through his mind like static. 

How could this have happened? 

How did Kihyun get here? Why would he do this? 

In his desperation to protect Kihyun from harm, in his attempt to push Kihyun away for his own safety, did Hoseok lead Kihyun right into this? 

This is all his own fault, isn't it? 

Suddenly, Hoseok can't breathe. 

He's stuck on _how_ and _why_ repeating in his mind like some kind of malicious chant, like he's being taunted and tormented over and over again on an endless loop. His head spins, and sweat breaks out across his forehead and at the back of his neck. He feels the dread and the anxiety and the fear clamp all around him, and all he can think about now is how bad this all is, how Kihyun shouldn't be here. 

He shouldn't be here, _he shouldn't be here_. 

And yet, Kihyun _is_ here, and he's looking at Hoseok with love and joy in his big, wet eyes, joy that Hoseok can't understand because doesn't Kihyun realize how dangerous this is? What has he done? What has Hoseok done? How could he have let this happen? 

Hoseok doesn't know what to think, what to feel, can't bring himself to settle on a proper reaction to all of this, but he does know that he needs to get out of there, out of that cramped little room before he loses it and gets them both exposed. He excuses himself with a forced coughing fit and stumbles through the door out into the hallway, doesn't even see Kihyun's worried expression as he slams the door behind him. 

Once he's several feet away from the boardroom door, Hoseok's legs shake violently for a few seconds before finally giving out, and he has to grab onto the wall beside him to hold himself up as he begins to hyperventilate, his chest heaving and tears stinging in his eyes as he struggles to breathe, clawing at the wall for support. 

_This is bad, this is bad, this is so, so bad._

It's all he can do to stop himself from collapsing entirely, and he stays there in the hallway for a few long moments, tries to slow his breathing so he can calm down and return to the meeting. Hell if he's going to take his eyes off of Kihyun for even a moment when he's back in there surrounded by all of those dangerous thugs. 

But, then again, Kihyun's been in that family for who knows how long now, all on his own, and Hoseok realizes with a jolt of horror that for the past two years, although he had thought that Kihyun was safe, and far away from all of this, Kihyun was actually in terrible danger this entire time. 

_How did this happen? How could this have happened?_

Hoseok feels bile churning in the back of his throat, and he thinks he might be sick. Kihyun had followed Hoseok right into hell, and Hoseok had been the one to lead him there. 

He has no idea what to do, what this means for them or for his plans of for Kihyun's _life_. He has no idea where to begin with the questions, no idea what he would even ask Kihyun, but he knows that they can't talk about it here. They can't even _know_ each other while they're here. And if he's going to get Kihyun out of this, he's going to need to calm down, to get back in that room, and to come up with a plan. 

_We'll sort this out later, somewhere else_ , Hoseok tells himself, breathing slowly as he calms down, _we'll meet and we'll talk and we'll sort this all out_. 

For now, Hoseok knows he has to go back in there and act like everything's fine, like nothing's happened at all. It's the most he can do to keep Kihyun safe for the time being, even though he has no idea the full extent of what Kihyun has gotten himself into. And it's a small relief that it appears that, at least for the moment, Kihyun _is_ okay. He looks good, and healthy, and that's what Hoseok reminds himself for the next few minutes as he calms down, his heart rate returning to normal, the pressure of grief and fear retreating back behind his eyes. 

_He's okay, he's okay, he's okay._

_Kihyun's okay._

Hoseok sniffles and wipes his wet eyes with the backs of his hands, standing up again from against the wall and breathing heavily. He's still shaking, but he thinks he can make it, he can do this. 

_Later, later, later, later. We'll sort this out later._

_He's okay. He's okay._

He takes one final long, deep breath and returns to the boardroom, opens the door slowly, calmly, careful to act like nothing is wrong, and immediately makes eye contact with Kihyun again. 

He can't help it. 

Kihyun's not moving, just looking, and he's pressed himself into a corner, made himself as small as possible, watching Hoseok with parted, quivering lips. He's holding back tears, Hoseok can tell even from across the room, and it's a good thing that nobody is paying any attention to either of them because the intensity of Kihyun's gaze nearly has Hoseok collapsing again. But unlike Hoseok, Kihyun's reaction to their reunion is clear, obvious, singular. 

He's happy, he's so _happy_. 

Those tears are tears of joy. 

And Kihyun looks so little, so timid underneath those eyes of his, that Hoseok can see now that despite the time that has passed, despite whatever's happened to Kihyun between now and then, Kihyun is still the same inside, still the same sweet kid he was, still the same sweet kid who loves Hoseok with all his heart. 

The meeting goes on, and they stay right where they are, neither of them moving a muscle as all of the other men in the room argue and bicker and pass papers back and forth across the table. It's like both Kihyun and Hoseok are afraid to let each other out of sight, as if they're afraid that if they look away even for a moment, the other might disappear. 

As the fog clears from Hoseok's mind, as he starts to come back down to Earth and as the pragmatic part of his brain tries to put together a plan for them to meet in secret, he takes in more details about the brand new Kihyun standing before him. 

This new Kihyun is wearing a dark, expensive suit, well-tailored to his perfect little body, with a silk tie and dark, leather shoes. Like Hoseok and most of the others in the room, he's got cufflinks and a watch, and is the quintessential picture of elegance even though he still looks like a child compared to everyone else. He has earrings, too, also like Hoseok, though it's to Hoseok's great surprise that he's upgraded from a single lobe piercing in each ear to an intricate string of piercings that climb up the shells of his ears on both sides, a mixture of sparkling little studs and hoops and delicate chains, and Hoseok can't believe he's looking at the same sweet little baby of his looking so sexy and dangerous. 

Beyond his clothing, Hoseok can't help but notice that Kihyun is also thinner, has lost some of the roundness and softness to his face, and though he's still as petite as always, there's a strength and power to his body that was never there before, and his hair is longer and artfully tousled. There's a maturity to him now, an edge, a different kind of gleam in his eyes, and as he looks at Hoseok, gaze emotive and sparkling with what Hoseok identifies as intense relief, the effect is different than it once was. 

Something about Kihyun now is stronger, darker, sharper; he no longer seems delicate, like a fragile, glass doll, though he still has that inherent innocence to him, some unnamable quality that makes Hoseok want nothing more than to hold him, to protect him. 

Hoseok sighs, looks up at the ceiling for a moment. Just now he had let himself get lost in Kihyun's beauty, but upon his mind circling back to the current situation, he finds himself fighting back a fresh onslaught of tears, and he can get away with many things, but he doesn't think he'd be able to explain a sudden emotional breakdown in the middle of an alliance negotiation. 

He's finally settled on his final reaction to this, and it's sadness. More than sadness actually, grief, heartbreak. He's _devastated_. At himself, at this situation, at everything. 

Hoseok hates himself for making this happen, that Kihyun is here because of him, and he can only imagine what Kihyun might've gone through in the past two years. 

And the worst part is, all Hoseok ever wanted was to keep Kihyun safe, to keep him away from all of this. 

It's the longest hour of Hoseok's life as he waits for the meeting to be over, as he and Kihyun keep stealing glances at each other and slowly regaining their bearings, looking away from each other whenever one of the other men in the room turns their head. Hoseok tries to think of a way that he can get a message to Kihyun, because soon they'll have to separate, and they'll need to coordinate a time and place to meet later, to figure everything out, to decide what to do next. 

With the meeting just about over for the night, one of the leaders of the other family starts wrapping things up, and if Hoseok wasn't so focused on Kihyun right now, he might pay more attention, because this guy's famous in their underground world of organized crime. 

It's Lee Jooheon; Hoseok recognizes him from the handful of times they've been in the same room together, and from the dark eyepatch he wears covering his left eye. 

He's just as intimidating as ever, and though he's young, younger than Hoseok and maybe even younger than Kihyun, he's much more hardened, more experienced. He's a legacy, the son of his family's boss, and definitely not one to anger. Hoseok's never personally witnessed Lee Jooheon in action, but the kid's reputation precedes him, and everyone knows he's got a long and complicated history in their line of work. In particular, Hoseok's always wondered about how Jooheon lost his eye; over the years he's heard dozens of different stories, each more bizarre and terrifying than the last. 

It breaks Hoseok's heart to think that Kihyun has been so close to Lee Jooheon and others like him without Hoseok there to protect him, to watch out for him. For Kihyun to have gotten himself so quickly to such a high-ranking position, he must have had to have been involved in some dark, dark things. Hoseok wonders how Kihyun has been able to protect himself, what he's had to do and what he's had to go through and what he's had to endure and _survive_ just to get to Hoseok, to get to this room right now. 

It shakes Hoseok to his core. 

Finally, when Hoseok thinks he can take this no longer, the meeting ends. Everyone starts to pack up and prepare to leave, the representatives talking with each other and going over some details for the next meeting, but Hoseok's eyes are back on Kihyun, who's still shrinking against the wall as all of the larger men in the room start standing up, shaking hands, and heading out the door to other meetings or appointments, whatever else they have planned for tonight. 

Everyone's leaving, and Hoseok's brain is scrambling to figure out what to do next when Kihyun calmly approaches him with slow, careful steps. 

Hoseok's heart stops again as Kihyun stops right in front of him and looks up into his eyes. Neither of them say anything, and Hoseok's mind has gone completely blank in a mixture of panic and worry at them being so close with all of these horrible men still bustling all around them. Kihyun has somehow managed to drain all of the emotion out of his expression in a matter of seconds, a truly impressive poker face that has Hoseok in awe for a moment. 

Suddenly, Kihyun holds out his palm, an offer to shake hands, cordial and businesslike as if they've never met before today. And Hoseok takes it without hesitation, grabs on tightly and squeezes without breaking eye contact. His eyes burn and his mouth goes dry. 

Kihyun's hand is still small and warm and soft as ever, and Hoseok doesn't want to let go even when the handshake lasts longer than what would be deemed normal etiquette. He can feel Kihyun's heartbeat pounding through his palm and it's a reminder that he's here and he's alive and Hoseok wants to cry all over again at how the heartbeat grows faster and harder at their brief contact. He sees the faintest glimmer of emotion pass through Kihyun's eyes and he smiles, soft, warm, reassuring, as much as he can be given everything that's happened. 

_I'm okay, Kihyunnie_ , he says with his eyes, _I'm okay_. 

Kihyun gives him a short nod and bows, and when they release hands, Hoseok realizes that Kihyun has left a scrap of paper in his palm with the handshake. He quickly slips it into his pocket and returns the bow before anyone can notice them, and when they look at each other for one last moment, just a moment too long for strangers, Hoseok sighs and nods, a promise that they'll see each other again very soon. 

Kihyun heads for the door, and as he leaves, he looks over his shoulder at Hoseok, and Hoseok wants nothing more than to follow him and for the two of them to run away together to somewhere safe, but he knows he has to wait, he knows that they'll be able to figure this all out now that they've found each other. 

Hoseok waits until the room has completely cleared out, then waits another five minutes, before he pulls the scrap of paper from his pocket. 

A note, from Kihyun, in his handwriting. 

_Found you_ , it says. 

Hoseok's heart leaps and his eyes fill with tears again upon seeing the familiar handwriting. He figures that Kihyun must've written this quickly while Hoseok was out in the hallway, and Hoseok faintly registers the hot tears rolling down his cheeks as he turns the note carefully over to the other side. 

_Find me_. 

There's an address, and Hoseok isn't surprised, because of course they were on the same wavelength, had the same thought as soon as they saw each other. He stuffs the note back into his pocket and tries not to sprint out the door and down the street, his emotions rising to the surface again as he makes his way to wherever it is Kihyun is sending him for them to meet in secret. 

He doesn't know what's going to happen, or how they'll get through this, but he feels relieved that Kihyun will be safe in his arms again soon.


	12. Chapter 12

About an hour later, Hoseok is standing in front of a wooden door. 

The address that Kihyun had given him was the address to an apartment building, and Hoseok had quickly realized with a sharp pang of guilt in his chest that he was heading towards Kihyun's new apartment, and that Kihyun really _had_ thrown everything away to find him, including the home that they had once shared. 

It's where Hoseok is now, right in front of Kihyun's door, though he can't quite bring himself to knock just yet. Instead, he just stands there, completely still, his heart racing and his mind going a mile a minute as he stares into the cracks of the dark wood, his eyes unfocused and his lips parted as he thinks. 

He had been careful to cover his tracks on his way here, to double back and circle around and take the most confusing, untraceable path he could manage just in case he was being followed; he had done everything in his power to make it seem like he could be going anywhere in the world but here. 

Kihyun's new apartment isn't far from his own, but it's in a much safer neighborhood, and for that, Hoseok is thankful. This building isn't even criminally-owned, it's a totally normal apartment building, and Hoseok doesn't know what Kihyun's family's policy is regarding housing, but he supposes it's another blessing that Kihyun is living in such a place, because it means that this will be a safe spot for them to meet, and nobody will come looking for them here. 

Just as it was before, Kihyun's home will be their haven. 

And although Hoseok's body had been pumping him full of adrenaline on his way here, making him fearless and unshakably determined at the thought of seeing Kihyun again, by now, it's starting to die down, and as he raises a clenched fist to the door, he pauses. His knuckles hover, his hand visibly shaking over the wood, and he wonders what's stopping him. 

He wants to see Kihyun so, so much, has been aching and yearning for it for so long, and yet, now that he's here, he's terrified. 

He's not ready for this. 

The thing is, Hoseok has no clue what's waiting for him on the other side of this door, has no clue what to even expect. He's doesn't know if he's even equipped to handle the truth, to know everything that's happened to Kihyun, to know the full extent of what Kihyun's gone through, and how he's suffered because of what Hoseok drove him to do. He doesn't know if he's ready to look Kihyun in the eyes and beg for forgiveness. 

But no matter what, Hoseok knows that he wants to _be_ with Kihyun, to hold him tight, to be there for him now even if this was all his fault, even if he wasn't able to protect him the way he should have. He wants to make things right, whatever that means, and his conviction is enough to help Hoseok be brave, to give him the strength to finally knock, three times, softly. 

The seconds seem to stretch on forever as he waits for Kihyun to answer the door, and he swears, as everything goes so quiet and still around him, that he can feel the temperature shift in the air, that he can hear his own blood rushing through his veins and his heartbeat pounding in his head as he waits, unmoving, more nervous than he's ever been in his life. 

He hears a click from inside the apartment as the door is unlocked, and then, slowly opened. 

And there's Kihyun, standing in the doorway, small and soft, and upon seeing Hoseok, his eyes light up like stars. 

He's changed out of his professional attire into a pair of tiny boxers that reach about mid-thigh, and a large, dark t-shirt, one that Hoseok immediately recognizes as one of his own, an old shirt of his that he had forgotten at Kihyun's apartment on the day that he had left. It's huge on Kihyun, nearly reaching the hem of the shorts, and Hoseok feels a rush of intense fondness; he can't believe that Kihyun's kept it all this time. 

In the time that it took Hoseok to arrive at Kihyun's new place, Kihyun had washed up and removed his array of earrings. His face looks fresh and glowing, flushed from the warmth of hot water, and his hair is soft and messy, just begging to be touched. His legs and his feet are bare, and as he stands there looking up at Hoseok, his wet eyes darting around and his lips parted, Hoseok feels the same flutter in his chest that he had felt countless times when they had spent so many quiet, lovely evenings together. 

It's when Kihyun's like this, soft and bare and stripped down to his essence, that Hoseok thinks he's at his most beautiful. 

Without looking away from Hoseok, Kihyun takes a few steps back, an invitation for Hoseok to enter the apartment. Hoseok doesn't look away either as he follows Kihyun inside and closes the door softly behind him, the two of them enveloped in soft, warm, low lighting and the faint scent of fresh, clean laundry. It's a different place in a different building, of course, but that scent is exactly the same as it was before, and Hoseok feels tears welling up in his eyes as he's taken back to the past, to the lovely refuge in which they had always been able to escape from the cold, cruel world together. 

Under different circumstances, Hoseok might've wanted to take a look around the apartment, curious to see how Kihyun had arranged his new space, but, of course, there would be time for that later. Right now, he doesn't want to look anywhere but into Kihyun's eyes, and following a beat of silence, he takes a cautious step closer, still unbelieving that this is really happening. 

Kihyun watches him carefully as he approaches, and Hoseok sees so much going on in Kihyun's eyes, joy and love and relief, but there's also concern, and heartache, and deep, deep pain. There's so much emotion swirling around in his teary-eyed gaze that Hoseok is almost afraid to move forward, like Kihyun might shatter if he enters into his space, but at the same time, Hoseok feels the overwhelming urge to comfort Kihyun, to embrace him and to hold him in his arms again. 

All this time, Hoseok has wanted nothing more than to be with Kihyun like this, and Kihyun has clearly felt the same way, but now that they're actually standing here together, close enough to touch, it seems that they're both finding it difficult to move or to speak or to even breathe. The whole situation is so surreal, unbelievable, and all they can do is stare at each other in awe. Hoseok feels like his brain has still not quite accepted the fact that this is all real, that Kihyun is here with him right now at this very moment, but his heart has, and though he knows that things have just gotten much more complicated, he's thankful that he'll at least be able to watch over Kihyun now, and he knows that they'll find a way out of this together. Heck, now that they're together, Hoseok knows that they can do anything. 

He remembers what Hyunwoo had said to him after he had left Kihyun, about Kihyun wanting to be by his side to help him through any danger. He realizes that Hyunwoo was right, and he understands now that although Kihyun had done something so dangerous and crazy, something so extreme that it would alter the course of his entire life, he had done it out of love, and profound devotion, and Hoseok certainly can't fault him for that, because, of course, had the situation been reversed, he would have done the exact same thing. 

But for the time being, he doesn't want to think about any of that, he doesn't want to focus on the danger or the problems or how everything has changed now forever. No, Hoseok just wants to be in this moment with Kihyun, to show Kihyun how sorry he is, how much he missed him, and how much he loves him, always. And Hoseok is already crying, he realizes, gentle tears sliding down his cheeks, and for once, he's not embarrassed about his open emotions, because he knows that they're pure and true and that they convey more than any words ever could. 

And Kihyun, Kihyun is crying again too, the same beautiful, glittering tears, just like the day that Hoseok left. 

The atmosphere between them right now is thick, palpable with so many unspoken emotions, so many memories and so much history and so many hopes and feelings for each other, so many questions and so much love, that it's like everything has been condensed into this small room and into their small, shared space. Kihyun's cheeks darken as they look at each other, his eyes fluttering, and Hoseok's heart feels full to bursting with both intense love and intense remorse, and he doesn't know where to begin, he's not sure what he could possibly say, but he's ready to pour out his entire heart. He takes a deep breath and opens his mouth to speak. 

_Smack!_

The impact of Kihyun's hand slapping Hoseok's cheek resounds loudly throughout the room. It stings like fire on his face as Hoseok recovers, his face jolted to the side from the force of the slap. As he slowly turns back to face Kihyun, still in complete shock, he sees that Kihyun's brows have furrowed, his cheeks puffed up and as red as Hoseok's, his crying now more intense. Kihyun is breathing heavily now, audibly, and the heartbroken look in Kihyun's eyes is more painful than any slap could ever be. 

Hoseok understands that the slap was for hurting Kihyun so bad, for leaving him without explanation and shattering his heart so terribly, for all that he's suffered alone in the past two years without Hoseok by his side, not even knowing the reason why. Hoseok can't say he doesn't think he deserves it, and maybe even worse, but it's still a shock, and he's stunned into silence for a moment, looking at Kihyun with wide eyes. His mouth opens and closes, Hoseok's brain stuck in a complete stupor as he tries to figure out what to say in response. 

But, before he can say anything, Kihyun is grabbing his face with both hands and kissing him with all the passion and desire that his little heart can muster. 

Hoseok sighs loudly into Kihyun's mouth as he wraps his arms around Kihyun's waist and pulls him in close so that they're fully pressed together, responding to the kiss with blazing fervor, a smoldering fire lit inside of him that he hasn't felt since they were last together like this. It's like everything is right in the world again, with their bodies aligned perfectly and all of their love and emotions flowing into each other with each touch of their lips. 

As they keep kissing with warm, slippery, open mouths, Hoseok runs his hands up and down Kihyun's back, squeezing him tight, and they angle their faces in tandem as they kiss deeper and harder, everything hot and smooth and instinctual. It's like no time has passed between them at all, the way they still remember exactly how to push and pull each other, and Kihyun's lips are so perfect that Hoseok feels like they're melting together as their mouths separate and unite, over and over and over again, wet and loud and messy and full of so much passion and raw desperation that Hoseok feels like it's all there is in the universe, Kihyun gripping onto his face like he'll never let go. 

Without breaking away from Kihyun's kisses, Hoseok starts to strip. As Kihyun holds onto his face and takes control, sliding his tongue into Hoseok's mouth, Hoseok slips out of his suit jacket and tosses it somewhere on the floor. He kicks off his shoes and pulls off his socks, throwing them wherever, and soon Kihyun is reaching down to help him with his pants, their mouths moving against each other sloppily until Hoseok is down to just his underwear, his dress shirt, and his tie, at which point he returns his full attention to Kihyun, his hands sliding back smoothly to wrap around Kihyun's body and pulling him in close, Kihyun's hands back on his face as Hoseok starts kissing him fiercely again. 

Hoseok supports Kihyun's waist as Kihyun begins to roll his body forward and up, and moans low in his throat as their pelvises rub together, the two of them both so warm and shaking and still not close enough, the air hot and heavy all around them. Hoseok's hands slide down Kihyun's back, slide all the way down to his ass cheeks, and he squeezes, causing Kihyun to moan loudly into their kisses and press in even closer. It's a kind of physical need that Hoseok has never experienced before, like all his body and soul wants is to be as close to Kihyun as possible, to fuse the two of them together so they'll never be apart again. 

Suddenly, Kihyun whines, then jumps up and wraps his legs around Hoseok's waist, Hoseok's hands immediately going to the backs of Kihyun's thighs to support his weight as he lifts Kihyun into the air. Kihyun is still so light and tiny, like he weighs nothing, and Hoseok begins to carry Kihyun backwards towards the bedroom, moving carefully as Kihyun sucks on his tongue and grips onto Hoseok's cheeks. Everything is entirely visceral at this point, a pure, overwhelming hunger for each other; all they long for and all they _crave_ is to be together, to _feel_ each other. 

When they make it to the dimly-lit bedroom, still kissing each other nonstop and both of them breathing heavily, their kisses punctuated by needy, lust-filled moans, Hoseok turns and kicks the door closed, then deposits Kihyun gently onto the bed, Kihyun lying back and Hoseok quickly moving to crawl on top of him. The bed is large and soft, the perfect size for just the two of them. 

Things are moving very quickly, Hoseok's body reacting faster than his mind, and so before he swoops down to capture Kihyun's lips once more, Hoseok takes a moment to look down at Kihyun and into his eyes, to fully appreciate everything that's happening between them, to fully appreciate that they're together again after so long apart, and Kihyun is so gorgeous, so lovely all splayed out beneath him, breathing heavily and flushed all over, looking up at Hoseok from a half-lidded, heated gaze and wordlessly begging to be taken, to be fucked spectacularly like the last two years never happened. Hoseok's heart clenches painfully, because Kihyun is too beautiful to be real, too beautiful to be true, and Hoseok groans at the sight and rolls his body downward, bringing their lips and their bodies back together in one smooth motion. 

They keep kissing, the explosive heat cooling down to an indulgent simmer, the kisses growing slower and deeper now that they're on the bed, and as Kihyun threads his hands through Hoseok's hair, tugging at the strands just shy of painfully, Hoseok starts pulling off Kihyun's clothes, balancing on one arm and reaching down the other to slide off Kihyun's boxers. They break apart for just a moment so that Hoseok can sit up on his knees, straddling Kihyun's hips, and pull Kihyun's shirt off over his head, followed by his own shirt and tie as Kihyun watches beneath him, blushing and breathless. 

Once his own torso is bare, Hoseok pauses to admire the full expanse of Kihyun's beautiful, warm skin, breathing heavily as his heart races, while Kihyun reaches up to touch Hoseok's bare abs, running his hands lovingly over the defined muscles, over the tiny mole that Hoseok has next to his belly button. Kihyun's hands move slowly and Hoseok just lets him do it for a moment, still and silent as Kihyun trails his fingers up and down, rediscovering Hoseok's body at the same time that Hoseok is rediscovering his. So much has changed and yet, everything happening right now is so familiar and comforting, like they never separated, like nothing ever changed between them. 

At that, Hoseok drops back down to his forearms, kissing Kihyun again with passion, his large hands cupping Kihyun's cheeks as Kihyun reaches down to slide off Hoseok's underwear and squeeze at his ass, their naked bodies pressed together now from top to bottom, hot and thrumming with energy and over two years' worth of pent-up desire, moving against each other in perfect harmony. As their hard, naked cocks rub together, Hoseok can feel his orgasm already crawling up from the depths of his body, and Kihyun's cock is already starting to leak at the tip, his kisses growing messier and wilder as they rub against each other. 

But neither of them want this to be over so quickly, and so Hoseok stops moving, softening the kisses to sweet, little presses of his mouth, Kihyun's hands stilling on his lower back as Hoseok rubs his thumbs tenderly over Kihyun's cheeks. Hoseok pulls back and rests his forehead against Kihyun's, panting against Kihyun's lips as they both rest and just breathe together for a moment, and Kihyun runs his hands slowly over Hoseok's muscular back, squeezing at his shoulders, the fiery passion diffusing into something softer and more affectionate. 

Hoseok breaks away from Kihyun's mouth and starts kissing his jawline, then moves down to his throat, mouthing at the skin on his neck until it's red and hot, one arm resting on the bed beside Kihyun's face and the other sliding down to rub his hand up and down Kihyun's waist, his thumb moving over one of Kihyun's nipples as his hand slides back up, Kihyun moaning loudly at every tiny movement between their bodies, his hands moving back up to Hoseok's hair. 

Hoseok faintly registers Kihyun turning to reach for something under one of the pillows, but he's too busy sucking at Kihyun's collarbone to pay much attention. That is, until Kihyun pushes that something into his hand, a tiny bottle of lubricant, and Hoseok pulls back to look into Kihyun's eyes again. 

Kihyun's expression is glazed over in lust, his mouth hanging open, lips wet and shiny and swollen, and he whimpers at the loss of heat as Hoseok sits up on his knees, straddling Kihyun's hips again, and starts to work the lubricant in his hands, warming it up and getting his fingers slippery. He looks down at Kihyun with intense desire as he rubs his palms together, a deep flush spreading from his face down his neck and chest at the sight of Kihyun vulnerable and pliant beneath him. 

It's really like nothing has changed between them, even though they both know that that's not true. A lot has changed; they've barely scratched the surface in the few hours that they've been reunited. But _this_ , this fundamental love and trust between them, the devotion they have to each other, the essential _need_ they have to be together, they both know that that's something that will never change, not by time, or circumstances, or anything else. They both know that even with the world burning around them, even when everything's gone to hell and the future is terrifying and uncertain, they will always have each other. 

After a few more moments, Hoseok feels ready, and he reaches down for Kihyun's legs, bending them back carefully as Kihyun squirms on the mattress. Taking the hint, Kihyun holds onto the backs of his own thighs and bends his knees over his hands, his ass in the air and his entrance exposed, completely open and ready for Hoseok's fingers. Hoseok rests one hand on top of one of Kihyun's, running his thumb over Kihyun's knuckles lovingly, and brings the other to Kihyun's hole, pushing the first finger inside as gently as he can. He can tell that Kihyun hasn't been with anyone else since Hoseok, and the thought stirs something in his chest both tender and painful. It's clear that Kihyun always hoped that they'd be reunited, just as Hoseok did, and it's why Hoseok was never with anyone else either in the two years that they were apart. It would be unthinkable, anyway, wouldn't make either of them happy; they were meant for each other, and each other only. 

Kihyun whines loudly as Hoseok works him open, pushing his finger in and pulling it out and moving it in circles to stretch him, the noise thick and wet from the lube, and when he adds a second finger, he can feel Kihyun starting to clench around him, Hoseok's cock throbbing at each pleasured noise spilling from Kihyun's lips. Lube starts to drip slowly from Kihyun's hole as Hoseok pushes in a third finger and starts to fuck him, moving his fingers in and out at a quick, steady pace, and Kihyun's eyes grow watery as Hoseok slips his thumb inside for one last bit of stretch, opening and closing the space between his thumb and fingers inside Kihyun's entrance as tears spill down Kihyun's cheeks. Kihyun is crying out loudly with each movement of Hoseok's fingers, and Hoseok knows from experience that he's getting close, and so he gradually slows down before withdrawing from Kihyun's hole with a filthy squelching noise that has heat shooting through his body and Kihyun's hole clenching around empty air. 

As Kihyun lies there still bent in half, breathing loudly, crying, Hoseok lets out a deep, low sigh, half in fondness and half in an attempt to chase away his own orgasm, and he guides Kihyun to lower his legs back down to the bed. He then drops back down to hover his body over Kihyun's and kisses him, sweet and slow and chaste, holding Kihyun at that sweet spot of sublime torment without pushing him over the edge. After all the time they've been apart, Hoseok wants this to be slow and special, an experience worthy of everything that it stands for. 

After a few more minutes of soft, gentle kissing, Hoseok grips onto Kihyun's shoulders and rolls them both over to lie on their sides, and the two of them immediately tangle together, their legs intertwining and Hoseok's arms wrapping around Kihyun's waist, Kihyun's arms wrapping around Hoseok's shoulders. 

They move against each other smoothly, kissing with abandon as their hands run up and down each other's bodies, and the heat between them is thick and intense. Kihyun's moaning into Hoseok's mouth as Hoseok's hands drop to squeeze at his ass cheeks again, and Kihyun breaks away from Hoseok's lips, lets out a loud, broken cry as Hoseok runs his thumb over Kihyun's now soaked, overly sensitive hole. Kihyun buries his face in Hoseok's throat and grips onto his shoulders, and it's at that moment that Hoseok spots something peculiar, a large splash of color on Kihyun's back. 

He stops moving and gently maneuvers Kihyun to turn over so that Hoseok can see his back, and as Kihyun squeezes his shoulders and trembles in his arms, Hoseok finally realizes what he's looking at, and he can't believe his eyes. 

It's a large, colorful tattoo of a jellyfish, the bulb painted over the back of one of his shoulders with a thick bundle of long, swirling tentacles running down his back diagonally and curling around his waist. 

It's beautiful, and it has Hoseok's heart pounding, swelling with warmth. 

He turns Kihyun back to his side and looks into his eyes, communicating silently everything that he's feeling. Nostalgia, disbelief, sadness, fondness, an ache in his heart that's both terrible and wonderful. Relief and gratitude and conviction and love, so much love. He brings his hands to Kihyun's hips and his mouth to Kihyun's face, kissing him all over his cheeks and his nose, finally stopping for one last, light kiss on his lips, touching their foreheads together once again as Kihyun wrinkles his nose cutely, blushing from the lavish kisses. 

They just pant against each other's mouths for a moment, Hoseok's head spinning from all that he's feeling, both emotionally and physically as they are both still very much naked and very much in the middle of what might be the most important and most marvelous sex of their lives. Kihyun kisses Hoseok again and bites down into his lower lip, Hoseok letting out a little gasp of surprise as Kihyun grabs for his shoulders and urges him to roll over onto his back, Kihyun swiftly moving to hover over him, to be the one on top now. 

As Hoseok's mind catches up to their sudden switch in positions (his body having already reacted, and a very pleased reaction at that) Kihyun starts laving Hoseok's chest with hot, wet, open-mouthed kisses, then bites at his collarbone and his shoulders while his hand travels downward to Hoseok's leaking cock. Kihyun taking charge like this is not unheard of in their relationship, but it's rare, and Hoseok is thrown a bit off guard as Kihyun rolls his body downward, rubbing their cocks together, and Hoseok can't help but let out a shout as Kihyun takes a hold of his cock and starts to stroke him, gathering the precome from the tip and spreading it all over his length as he tugs him to aching hardness. 

Hoseok feels like he's mere moments away from coming, but his brain isn't working coherently enough for him to do anything other than whimper as Kihyun keeps stroking him, Kihyun's hands sinfully hot and slippery. Thankfully, Kihyun reads him and his body perfectly as always, and releases his hold on Hoseok's cock just before it's too much, and just after he's gotten him perfectly prepped for what's going to happen next. 

He shifts for a moment and then sits back on his knees, straddling Hoseok's hips, and his hands move to Hoseok's chest for balance. Kihyun's ass is on top of Hoseok's cock, and Hoseok can feel the heat and sopping wetness of Kihyun's hole, so close and yet so far, a cruel and marvelous tease that nearly has Hoseok abandoning all dignity and whining pathetically with need. Kihyun shifts around slightly, and Hoseok feels an intense burst of heat shoot up his spine and through his cock as he realizes what Kihyun's doing, and his hands find Kihyun's hips, squeezing affectionately as Kihyun hums and looks down at him with a coy smile, though the attempt at sly flirtation is somewhat lost given Kihyun's mussed-up hair and deeply flushed face and kiss-swollen lips. Hoseok laughs, happiness bubbling up and then rumbling through him, and Kihyun curls his fingers against his chest and blushes deeper, shifting around and getting ready to position himself. 

After what feels like much too long, where Hoseok nearly loses it from feeling the heat of Kihyun's ass cheeks and Kihyun's slick entrance leaking down onto his cock, Kihyun finally lifts up on his knees and lines himself up properly, then smoothly lowers himself down with a loud, filthy moan. Hoseok groans in pleasure as Kihyun lowers himself all the way down to the hilt, his mind going blank and stars dancing at the corners of his vision, Kihyun's body so hot and so tight and so wet around him. 

Kihyun adjusts for a moment, each tiny movement accompanied by a soft whimper and causing Hoseok to grunt in frustration as his cock throbs inside of Kihyun's body. Finally, when Hoseok thinks he can't take it anymore, Kihyun starts to ride him, moving up and down at a slow, languid pace, rolling his hips down and forward and keeping his palms flat on Hoseok's chest, Hoseok guiding him by holding onto his hips. It feels so incredible, so indescribably amazing that Hoseok swears he might die like this, his whole body tense and hot, a bundle of intense pleasure starting to build up and swell inside of him. 

As he finds a steady rhythm, Kihyun starts to bounce, their skin slapping together and Kihyun sliding up and down Hoseok's cock with an obscene, slippery noise. Hoseok can't keep his mouth closed anymore, and he's having trouble breathing, his body coiled in pleasure and his cock burning hot, his grip on Kihyun's hips tight enough to bruise. And as Kihyun starts to bounce harder and faster, Kihyun's eyes fall shut and he throws his head back, moaning loudly, his voice growing louder and higher in pitch with each repetition. 

There's no more thought, no more coherence or consciousness, just pleasure and heat and their bodies moving perfectly together, Kihyun's hot hands pressed flat on Hoseok's chest, and Hoseok's hands pressing hard into Kihyun's hip bones as Kihyun goes up and down and up and down and up and down. It feels like something cosmic, the two of them together so magnificent, so _right_ , and Hoseok forgets everything, everything except the two of them here, together now, and from now on, together _always_. 

Hoseok will never, _ever_ leave him again. 

As they keep going, trapped together in heavenly euphoria, Hoseok's hands find their way to Kihyun's ass, and then he's squeezing Kihyun's cheeks tightly and pulling him forward as he keeps bouncing, and Kihyun's gripping onto Hoseok's pectorals and bouncing harder and faster, screaming in pleasure with tears in the corners of his eyes. Hoseok's chest and throat are clogged with moans and grunts trying to push out at the same time, the globes of Kihyun's ass burning hot in his hands, and they're both panting and sweating, their bodies tensing with pleasure as they both get closer and closer to orgasm, rushing towards it together like they've become a single entity. 

Hoseok uses his last bit of coherency to carefully sit up with Kihyun still bouncing on his cock, bending his knees so that they press into Kihyun's back, and wrapping his arms around Kihyun's waist to pull him close. Kihyun understands the new position immediately and wraps his arms around Hoseok's shoulders, resting his chin on one shoulder with his cock trapped between their bodies, the two of them now wound together in a tight embrace. As Kihyun keeps riding him, moving up and down so hard and fast that each undulation has him screaming, Kihyun grips hard at the muscles on Hoseok's back, and buries his face in Hoseok's throat, and Hoseok clings to Kihyun's body tightly, and they're pressed together so close and moving together so perfectly that it feels like they're a wave rolling together, a wave of energy, or light, or electricity, Hoseok isn't sure, but he knows that nothing will ever feel like this, nothing will ever match the feeling of them united as one. 

The pleasure builds and builds and builds and builds, and Kihyun has gone silent, mouth open against Hoseok's throat and frozen in a wordless cry of ecstasy as Hoseok pulls him up and slams him back down on his cock, over and over and over again. And Hoseok, Hoseok is right there with him, fingers pressing firmly into Kihyun's hot flesh and his body shaking as his muscles tense, charging with impending climax, so close it's like his body is on fire. 

And then, with one final thrust and Kihyun's loud, broken moan, they both come almost simultaneously, Hoseok spilling thickly into Kihyun's body until there's come leaking out of his hole onto Hoseok's lap, and Kihyun shooting all over their stomachs as they ride it out together, clinging onto each other, and Kihyun's crying and Hoseok's dizzy from the impact, blinking away black spots from his eyes as his body pulses with wave after wave of glorious, glorious pleasure. 

As they hold each other with hot, trembling hands, hearts full and bodies thrumming in bliss, Hoseok swears they'll never let go.


	13. Chapter 13

It's only after about an hour that they finally begin to cool down from their heated lovemaking, the two of them lying still and quiet on the soft covers of Kihyun's bed, having tumbled down together post-coital, exhausted and fully blissed out, completely at peace. They're lying on their sides and facing each other, and Kihyun's got his face buried in Hoseok's chest and his arms wrapped around Hoseok's waist tightly, almost _too_ tightly, as if he's afraid that if he's not careful, Hoseok might slip away again. But of course, that'll never happen, not now. Not ever. 

They're naked and sweaty and filthy and feeling boneless in the best possible way, and their legs are hopelessly tangled together, and Hoseok's got his arms wrapped around Kihyun's shoulders, one hand threaded through Kihyun's hair, softly stroking, and neither of them want to move ever again, not even to clean up or to slip underneath the covers. No, they want to stay in this exact moment, frozen in time and held in each other's arms for eternity. 

But despite their desires, time continues its relentless march forward, and there are questions that need to be answered and words that need to be said, and so Hoseok kisses the top of Kihyun's head, gently, a mere brush of lips, and then he speaks, quietly, softly. 

"I'm sorry," he says. They're the first words that he's spoken to Kihyun since the day he left. He kisses the top of Kihyun's head again, and pulls him in closer. "I'm so sorry for everything. I hope you know that I never stopped loving you." 

"I know," Kihyun replies, his voice soft and timid, but so familiar and sweet that the sound of it instantly fills Hoseok's eyes with tears. 

"I just wanted to protect you," Hoseok continues, his voice growing thick, every word seeming to weigh a thousand pounds. "You're everything to me. You're worth more to me than my own life or happiness, and I thought I was doing what was best for you." 

"Hoseok..." Kihyun murmurs. He loosens his embrace around Hoseok's waist and leans back to look up into Hoseok's eyes, and Hoseok sees that Kihyun's on the verge of crying too, and the sight is too much for his heart to bear. He closes his eyes, and the first few tears fall between his eyelashes. 

"I messed up," Hoseok says, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I ruined everything." 

Kihyun starts to say something, but Hoseok just shakes his head. He has to say this, he has to get this out. His voice trembles as he continues. 

"I drove you to desperation," Hoseok says, finally opening his eyes again, looking right into Kihyun's and hoping that his gaze can properly convey even a fraction of the remorse he's feeling. His heart breaks at Kihyun's sorrowful expression, but he goes on. "I did what I did because I was so scared for you. I couldn't live knowing that you might be hurt because of me." 

He lifts a hand to Kihyun's cheek and strokes his fingertips over the flushed skin, slowly. Kihyun's eyes flutter, and he leans into Hoseok's touch, sighing as Hoseok cups his face and rubs his thumb over the spot just beneath Kihyun's eyes, and it's wet with moisture. Hoseok hates so much that, once again, he's the cause of Kihyun's tears. 

"I thought you might not need me like I need you," Hoseok says, swallowing with some difficulty. "I thought that...maybe you could live a full, happy life, if only I was gone. But I did the wrong thing, and now you're the one paying the price. I did this." 

Hoseok closes his eyes again, and sobs, not sure what else he can say that would make anything better. Kihyun unwinds his arms from around Hoseok, and brings one of his own hands up to cover Hoseok's hand on his face. He squeezes gently, and Hoseok starts crying harder, his eyes fluttering open. Kihyun's got a heartbroken look on his face, and he's smiling, sadly. 

"Hoseok, you didn't do this," Kihyun says. "This was my choice. And I made the choice for _you_ , because I never stopped loving you either." 

There's a long moment of silence between them where they just look at each other, Kihyun's hand warm on his own, and Hoseok is at a complete loss for words, and Kihyun is so beautiful and open, everything in his heart written on his face, and his heart is not the broken, chaotic mess that Hoseok's is. Kihyun's heart is so full and warm and bright, even now, even after everything. 

"I always knew that there was something going on that you weren't telling me," Kihyun continues. "But I trusted you...I _trust_ you...and so I always thought that, whatever secret you were keeping, you were keeping it for a good reason." 

Hoseok feels terribly guilty, and he wants to apologize again, wants to apologize a million times, but Kihyun brings his other hand up to Hoseok's face, brings a finger to Hoseok's lips just as Hoseok is about to speak, and Hoseok flushes and goes quiet and still. 

"When you left, it was like the world ended," Kihyun goes on, stroking his finger over Hoseok's bottom lip a few times before lowering both hands to rest on Hoseok's chest. His fingertips feel like sweet fire on Hoseok's bare skin. "Not because I thought you didn't love me, but because I thought I'd never see you again." 

Hoseok lowers his own hands to Kihyun's hips, and he grips onto them gently, as if to say, _I'm right here_. 

"I eventually understood what was happening, and I realized you were in trouble, trapped and afraid," Kihyun says. "I realized that the only way I could find you, the only way I could _save_ you, was to follow you, wherever it was you were going, no matter where it led." 

Kihyun sighs again, and he closes his eyes, and a few more tears fall down his face. Hoseok leans down and kisses them away, presses his forehead against Kihyun's and rubs his hands up and down Kihyun's waist. 

"You're everything to me too, Hoseok. And I don't regret what I've done, not one bit," Kihyun murmurs, eyes still closed, reveling in Hoseok's kisses and touches. "You didn't ruin my life, you made it worth living, and I want to help you. I want to live with you always right by my side, and I want to get you out of here. I want us both to get out of here, _together_." 

"We will, we'll get out of this together," Hoseok says, determined. "I swear on my life, I swear on everything, I'll make things right." Kihyun opens his eyes again at that, and Hoseok gets happily lost in them. 

"I love you, Kihyunnie," Hoseok says, smiling, really smiling, for the first time in a long while, and meaning it with his entire heart. "I'll always love you." 

Kihyun smiles too, his beautiful, glowing smile, and he leans forward to give Hoseok a chaste kiss on the lips. "I love you too," he says softly against Hoseok's mouth. "And we'll find a way through this." 

They bask in each other's glow for a few moments, then slowly begin to untangle, sitting up against the headboard of Kihyun's bed, their limbs hot and sore and sticky. Hoseok sits up and leans back against the wall, while Kihyun leans into the crook of Hoseok's arm that he's slung over Kihyun's shoulder. They decide without speaking to rest for a few more minutes before they'll get up for real, to shower and to clean up, and to change into fresh clothes. The night is still young, and they both have a lot of catching up to do. 

"I want to know what happened to you, Kihyunnie," Hoseok says as Kihyun runs a hand up and down his bare chest absentmindedly, humming quietly. "I want to know how you got here, I want to know your story. But first..." 

At Hoseok's sudden pause, Kihyun tilts his head up to look at him, curiosity shining in his gaze. His tear tracks are dried on his cheeks, and his eyes are only just slightly wet, and he's really the most gorgeous thing that Hoseok has ever seen or ever known. All Hoseok wants now is to protect him, his most precious, sparkling jewel, his light and his love and his hope. 

"I need to know," Hoseok says, "are you okay? Are you safe?" 

It's a fair and necessary question, given that even for those like them who have achieved high status in their families, things can become dangerous very quickly. One wrong move, one wrong word said to the wrong person can put a target on one's back in an instant, and though Kihyun appears to be alright in his position for the time being, Hoseok has to know for sure, and he knows that Kihyun will tell him the truth, even if it's difficult to hear. 

Kihyun doesn't answer right away, his eyes darting around Hoseok's face. Hoseok can tell that he's thinking deeply about his answer, his expression anxious. 

"I'm safe," Kihyun says, finally, and Hoseok feels an intense rush of relief. However, it dissipates quickly as Kihyun frowns, worried. His eyes are wide and imploring, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. 

"Are you?" Kihyun asks. 

Hoseok sighs deeply. "I thought I was," he replies, thinking back to his own situation, back to his meeting with his boss, back to Minhyuk's reckless plan and the sham alliance, the horrific gang war brewing and the ever-present darkness lurking on the horizon, "but now, I'm not so sure." 

Kihyun looks like he might cry again, and it's so painful to see that Hoseok has to look away, and Kihyun curls into him, resting his head over Hoseok's heart. 

"Hoseok..." he starts, his voice quiet and sad. 

"Your tattoo," Hoseok murmurs, turning back to Kihyun and smiling weakly as he changes the subject. "It's so beautiful." And he means it, his smile growing a bit wider as Kihyun glances over his own shoulder at his back and lets out a little chuckle. The sound is lovely, heals Hoseok like medicine, and Hoseok wants to enjoy some peace for a while before they dive right into their trauma, the darkness of their past and present. 

"I'll tell you all about it," Kihyun replies, turning back to Hoseok and smiling. "I'll tell you everything. But it's a long story, so we need to clean up first." He looks down at both of their bodies and then back up at Hoseok with mischief in his eyes. "I mean, we're really kind of gross right now." 

Hoseok laughs, smiling wide. "Alright," he says, fondly. 

Kihyun gently shrugs off Hoseok's arm and sits up, taking Hoseok's hand in his and urging him to follow as he slowly exits the bed. Hoseok gladly does so and the two of them go over to Kihyun's linen closet right outside the bedroom in the hallway. Kihyun releases Hoseoks's hand and grabs a few towels for them to use, wrapping one around his shoulders and handing the other to Hoseok. 

Hoseok takes the towel into his hands and buries his nose into it, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. Kihyun's towels are the same towels from his old apartment, and they're large and soft and fluffy, and they smell like Kihyun, everything that he is, pure and fresh and bright and soothing. Hoseok gets lost in memories for a moment, memories of lazy mornings together and magical evenings, sweet-smelling soap and fresh laundry, and when he opens his eyes a second later, he blushes a little, because Kihyun is staring at him and giggling. In response, Hoseok sticks his tongue out playfully, then reaches over to ruffle Kihyun's hair as he throws the towel over his shoulder. 

They spend the next hour in Kihyun's bathroom, showering together, but it's not a sexual thing at all. Instead, it's purely affectionate, more time to spend together, the two of them not wanting to let each other out of sight for even a moment now that they're reunited, and they lovingly wash each other under the gentle spray of hot water. They giggle and exchange sweet kisses as they scrunch shampoo and conditioner into each other's hair, and they blush and gaze at each other shyly as they rub a thick lather of soap all over each other's bodies, slowly running their hands over each other's hot, wet, skin and enjoying all of the pleasant sensations, relaxing and laughing and letting all of their troubles evaporate with the steam. And Kihyun is so beautiful with water, not tears, dripping from his eyelashes, his cheeks flushed from the heat, and he can't stop touching Hoseok's body, running his hands over Hoseok's arms and chest and stomach, and they stay in there much longer than necessary but neither of them care, they're both just so happy to be together again. 

When they're finally finished, they step out and carefully dry each other off, then return to Kihyun's bedroom to change into clean clothes. Hoseok stays topless and slips on one of his old pairs of pajama pants that Kihyun had kept, while Kihyun changes into clean briefs and another one of Hoseok's old shirts. Hoseok is quite amused at how Kihyun had kept so many of his old clothes, and his heart warms at the thought of Kihyun wearing them and thinking of him during the time that they were apart. 

Kihyun soon gets to work on stripping the bed and replacing the soiled linens and blankets with clean ones, and Hoseok does his best to help but mostly just watches Kihyun with fondness and nostalgia, just so happy to be here with him and to be doing something so routine and mundane together as making a bed. 

When the bed is finally all made and ready, they crawl under the covers together, and it's like being tucked inside a cloud, the blankets thick and soft and the sheets smooth and silky. They lie on their sides facing each other again, and pull the blankets up over their shoulders, resting their heads on the dreamy pillows, and despite how nice it all is, Hoseok can feel his mood beginning to darken as Kihyun prepares to tell his story, Hoseok knowing that it's sure to be a long and difficult one, both for Kihyun to tell and for Hoseok to listen to. 

But, even so, Hoseok knows that he's ready for it now. With Kihyun right here by his side, safe and happy in bed right next to him, he's ready to hear it, he's ready for the truth.


	14. Chapter 14

Before Kihyun begins, he makes Hoseok agree not to interrupt, to let Kihyun get the entire story out before any questions or comments, of which Hoseok knows he's sure to have many. And Hoseok reluctantly agrees, but only on the condition that Kihyun move closer and hold his hand the entire time. 

"Are you sure you're a big, scary mobster who can kill a man a hundred different ways?" Kihyun asks, smirking as he intertwines their fingers under the covers and moves in closer to Hoseok, so close that Hoseok can feel Kihyun's warmth on him like sunshine. 

"Not when I'm with you," Hoseok replies, smiling and squeezing Kihyun's hand in his. "When I'm with you...I'm just me. And 'just me' is pretty sensitive, especially when it concerns Yoo Kihyun." 

"Don't I know it," Kihyun replies, with an adorable little laugh. There's a pause after that, a long moment of silence between them. It's a little ominous, and Hoseok swallows nervously, watching as Kihyun begins to speak. 

"To be honest, I'm not really sure to begin," Kihyun says, "but I guess this whole thing starts when I first began to suspect that you might be hiding something from me." 

Kihyun smiles softly, adorably, a soft pink tinge coloring his cheeks as he pauses and begins, and Hoseok just wants to pull him close and cuddle him until the end of time. 

"You were always sort of troubled and mysterious," Kihyun says. "It was part of what drew me to you in the first place, that day we met. You were so dark and handsome, like someone from a movie. But I noticed pretty quickly that there actually _was_ something unusual about you, that that strange aura about you that I was feeling wasn't just something my romantic mind was projecting." 

"So many things about you, about your life and the things that you told me, just didn't add up," Kihyun goes on. "I remember a few weeks after we started dating, I really wanted to see your apartment. I _insisted_. We had spent a few nights at mine and I was getting curious, but you always had some kind of excuse. There was work being done, or your place was a mess, whatever. Always an excuse." 

"Eventually you admitted the 'truth" that you just lived in a bad neighborhood, and you were ashamed of it, and nervous for my safety, and that was why you didn't want me visiting. And honestly, I was so head-over-heels for you, that even though I could see right through it, that you weren't telling me the whole story, I let it go. I don't know why, but even back then, way back in the beginning, I trusted you." 

Kihyun pauses and looks right at Hoseok shyly from underneath his eyelashes. "I could just tell," he says, "from your eyes, from how you spoke to me, from everything about you. I knew you were a good person, and that you cared about me, so I played along." 

"Besides your apartment, the most glaring mystery was the 'career' that you never wanted to talk about," Kihyun goes on. "You told me early on that you worked in an office, which I knew was total bullshit by the way you dressed, but any time I'd start to pry further, you'd change the subject, gaze at me fondly with those haunting eyes of yours and start asking me about my own life. And I thought so many times about just cutting the crap, straight up asking you for the truth, but something kept telling me not to push it, that you had a good reason for all of your obvious secrets." 

Kihyun smirks, his eyes twinkling. "I'll admit," he says, "it crossed my mind that you might be a superhero." 

At that, Hoseok chuckles, and Kihyun raises his eyebrows, reminding him not to interrupt. 

"Anyway," Kihyun continues, "there were so many little things, so many little red flags that for anyone with common sense, would've been enough to send them running. But I liked you so much, and my gut was telling me to trust you, and so I stuck around, wanting to see how things would play out. Still, it was always so weird how you never talked about your friends or family, or anything at all besides what the two of us did together. It was like you had no life when you weren't with me, and as special as that made me feel, I knew that it was weird, that it wasn't right." 

"As time went on, as the weeks turned into months, I fell in love with you. And you became my best friend, the most important thing in the world to me," Kihyun says quietly, bashful, "and I stopped thinking about it so much, whatever it was you were hiding. I could see that it wasn't affecting us, wasn't affecting how good you were to me and how much I loved being with you, and I eventually accepted that, whatever it was, I would wait for you to be ready to tell me. I wanted to give you that chance, the choice to open up to me when the time was right." 

"Things were like that for weeks," Kihyun says, "until one night, which you probably remember. You came h—came to my apartment, and you were a wreck." 

There's a long, silent pause between them, and Kihyun looks right into Hoseok's eyes, his expression serious, somber, and Hoseok swallows nervously remembering that night all too well. It was _that_ night, the night of the _incident_ , that terrible, awful night that changed everything for the worse. 

"It was so, so late," Kihyun continues, "and all I could figure out was that something horrific had happened. As soon as I opened the door, you were hugging me, squeezing me so tight and sobbing into my shoulder, and I was so scared but all I could do was hold you while you calmed down. I somehow knew better than to ask what had happened, that that wasn't what you needed from me at that moment. I remember you clinging onto me, and the two of us getting into bed under the covers, and you just winding yourself around me, and shaking, holding me like you would never let go. I felt safe in your arms, but also terrified, terrified at whatever it was that had you so shaken up." 

"Eventually, we both fell asleep, and you hadn't said a single word since walking in. I had no idea what was happening but I knew that you needed me, and that for the time being, it was enough that we were together and safe." 

Hoseok's heart pounds hard inside his chest, guilt and self-hatred and anger at himself for putting Kihyun through all of that clawing at him from within, threatening to consume him entirely. "Kihyun..." he begins, voice almost inaudible, because what can he say, really? What can he possibly say? 

"It was after that night that I knew I had to do something," Kihyun says, cutting him off and giving him another warning look, reminding him not to interrupt. Kihyun gives a tiny, apologetic smile, his eyes fluttering downwards as he continues. 

"The next morning when I woke up, you were already gone, and later when I saw you again, you acted like nothing had happened. I knew then that I had to find out what was going on with you. I was going to talk to you, to get the truth out no matter what it took. At least, that's what I told myself." 

Kihyun sighs, averting Hoseok's gaze. He looks wistful, and sad, and full of regret, and Hoseok's heart clenches as Kihyun continues, his voice timid and quiet. 

"In reality, it was a lot harder than I thought to actually do it," Kihyun says. "It never seemed like the right time or the right place. And before I knew it, more weeks had gone by, and I still hadn't worked up the courage to do what I should have done. I let you down." 

Hoseok doesn't say anything, but when Kihyun's eyes flicker up to meet Hoseok's again, Hoseok makes sure to communicate everything that needs to be said, that Kihyun never let him down, that Kihyun _could_ never let him down. No, Hoseok knows the bitter truth, that he's the one who let Kihyun down. Hoseok swallows again, pressure pushing the backs of his eyes and his throat constricting. 

Kihyun looks into Hoseok's eyes for a long, still moment, eyebrows furrowed and eyes full of pain. "And then, you left me," he says. "Suddenly, you were gone. And I had no idea why. And there was nothing I could do." 

Kihyun stops speaking and closes his eyes, sighs softly once more, and Hoseok is startled to see a perfect, round tear roll down his cheek. At that, Hoseok immediately reaches to cup Kihyun's face in his hand, rubbing his thumb over the tear track so, so gently. And when Kihyun's eyes flutter open to look into Hoseok's, they're so sad and so beautiful and all Hoseok wants is to kiss him and hold him and fix everything, fix this awful, awful mess that he's gotten them both all tangled up in. More than ever, he wishes that the two of them could run away together and leave everything behind, start over and have new, better lives somewhere else, but he knows that it's not that simple, that it will never be that simple. 

Kihyun breathes slowly as Hoseok strokes his face, and after a few long moments, he rests his own hand atop Hoseok's on his cheek, and he squeezes it gently before continuing. 

"I was so lost," Kihyun says. "For days afterwards, I did everything I could to try to reach you. I called your cellphone nonstop, but you never answered and soon your number was disconnected. I contacted hospitals, the police, searched through news articles and even asked around on the street, anything I could think of. I managed to track down your apartment through public records, and I waited for you outside your door for hours and hours, for days, but you never returned. I did everything I could to find you, but there was no trace of you anywhere, nothing at all." 

"I visited all of our spots, everywhere we had ever gone together. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I missed classes, missed work, dedicated every waking moment to finding you. Until, eventually, I had to just...accept it, accept that you were really gone. It was like you had vanished off the face of the Earth, like a ghost." 

"And then, that's when I was truly lost," Kihyun goes on, voice going quiet again. "That moment, when I realized that I couldn't find you, that I really, truly couldn't find you, that I might never see you again...I felt like I had died." 

Hoseok can't stop himself then from winding his arms around Kihyun's shoulders and pulling him in and close, Kihyun's body soft and warm, and Kihyun is trembling, small and fragile as his arms wind around Hoseok's waist in return, Kihyun burying his face in Hoseok's bare chest as they hold each other for a few long, long moments. The air is quiet and peaceful around them, despite their conversation, despite everything, as if they really did run away together and escape the rest of the cruel, chaotic world, as if all there is now is each other. 

"I'm so, so sorry," Hoseok murmurs, reaching one hand up to stroke Kihyun's soft, silky hair, Kihyun leaning into his touch like a kitten. "I'm sorry for everything. I'll always be sorry." 

Kihyun stirs and then leans back out of Hoseok's hold to look up at his face again, and he smiles gently, his eyes shining with fondness, with forgiveness, though Hoseok hardly thinks he deserves it. 

"You're here now," Kihyun says. "We're both here, and that's all that matters." 

Another moment of silence passes between them, and they keep their arms around each other as Kihyun continues. 

"After a few days of wallowing in my own self-pity, I decided that I wasn't ready to let you go. I wasn't _able_ to let you go, and that it wasn't the end yet. It couldn't be. I had to go after you, I had to try harder to find you, to find out what was going on. I knew from everything that had happened between us and how you had left that you were hurting and that you were in trouble. And I wanted to save you so that we could be together again, so that we could be happy. And so I started thinking a little bigger, a little more...unconventionally about where you might be hiding." 

Kihyun smiles again, but gives a sad little chuckle that makes Hoseok's chest burn. "I was so used to you being the person you were with me," Kihyun says. "Good, kind, compassionate. It never occurred to me before then that the reason you might be gone might be something nefarious. Maybe you weren't missing or kidnapped or some kind of superhero. And I remembered all the lies, all the secrets, the gun you pointed at me, and at yourself. I realized then that maybe it was something darker, that maybe there was this whole other side to you that I had never encountered." 

"Was it drug dealing? Were you part of a gang? Were you a criminal? That's what I asked myself, and little did I know that it was actually all of the above. But I knew that to find out the truth would mean sacrificing a lot, that finding you would mean leaving everything else behind." 

At that moment, Kihyun pulls himself in closer to Hoseok and rests his face against Hoseok's chest, right over his heart, tucking his head beneath Hoseok's chin. They both close their eyes, hugging tightly as Kihyun continues with his story, and Hoseok already knows what's coming next, and it stings, and his eyes are wet behind his closed eyelids. 

"I quit my job and I dropped out of school," Kihyun says, and Hoseok can't help but sigh, a trickle of water escaping beneath his eyelashes as his heart aches, because he never wanted Kihyun to throw away his life for him like this, but it's too late now, of course. 

"My parents weren't happy at all," Kihyun says. "I told them that I needed some time to work things out. I lied and didn't tell them that I had quit my job, instead told them that it could support me until I figured out what I really wanted to do with my life. And yeah, they tried to stop me, tried to change my mind. But they eventually gave up. They trusted me, even though they shouldn't have, to do what I thought was best, and they were busy with my younger siblings. It still hurts to lie to them, to have to keep lying to them every day." 

There's several minutes of silence then, the weight of Kihyun's words, of everything he had done resting between them. Hoseok vows to himself that he will make up for this, for all of this, for everything's he done and for everything that he's caused Kihyun to do. He'll make sure that Kihyun can have a real life someday, the kind of life he deserves, no matter what the cost. 

As if reading Hoseok's thoughts, Kihyun says, " "I love you, Hoseok. And I don't regret what I've done. All of those things I left behind, the future I gave up, it's all nothing without you." 

"When this is all over, when we're out of here," Hoseok murmurs, "I'm going to make things right. You're going to have a real life, I swear to you." 

This time, Kihyun doesn't berate Hoseok for interrupting, just lets out a long, deep breath and shifts in his hold before resuming his story. 

"I had enough money saved up that I could get by for a while as I looked for you, and it only took me a few weeks of searching before I found my new source of employment. My new family." 

"Once I understood that you were likely involved in something underground, I knew that the only way to find you would be to go underground myself. So I started going to parts of town I'd never gone to before, started talking to people I would've passed by on the street, started visiting places that terrified me. I knew that if I was going to find you, I had to be brave." 

Hoseok can't even begin to piece together how terrible he feels about putting Kihyun through all of this, Kihyun being in danger and being scared all because of him. It makes him hate himself, and just the thought of sweet little Kihyun scrambling around in the dark, dangerous criminal underworld makes Hoseok afraid, afraid and so terribly guilty. But what's already happened has happened, and as much as it hurts, Hoseok knows deep down that it does neither of them good now to dwell on the past. But that doesn't make it any easier to listen to Kihyun's story as it grows closer and closer to the terrifying present. 

"Things got more dangerous, the people I was talking to shadier and the places I was visiting further and further beneath the law. I was afraid to use your actual name in case it might compromise your own safety, which made it difficult to get any information at all. And eventually I realized that the only way I could truly hope to find you was to become a part of this world myself. I knew that I had to join one of the gangs I was encountering." 

"There were so many, but I knew that if I had any chance to find you, if there was anyone who would even know where to look, it would have to be one of the big ones. So I did my research, I learned everything I could, and I found out about my boss, and my family. Jooheon was the liaison, and he was the one who recruited me. I didn't tell him my true purpose for joining the family, instead made up a story about running away from home, but he took me in and was kind to me." 

"For the past two years, I've been training and moving up the ranks, putting all of my effort and energy into becoming skilled and stronger, motivated by the thought that the harder I worked, the higher up I climbed, the more I would see and be involved in, the better chance I'd have at finding you. And I was right. I found you, after so long searching, after going through so much, I finally found you." 

The way Kihyun talks about it, like it's something so simple, like it's no big deal at all, hurts Hoseok's heart. And Hoseok dreads the details that will certainly come to light, about Kihyun's time in his family, about his experiences, as they move forward together. Hoseok knows all too well how bad things can truly be, and Kihyun's casual attitude, glossing over what was certainly a difficult two years, he knows that there's more to the story, even if Kihyun isn't ready to talk about it all just yet. 

At that, Hoseok suddenly has a dark, awful thought. "Have you killed anyone?" Hoseok asks, and he's terrified of the answer. 

"No," Kihyun says, and Hoseok sighs deeply in relief. "But I would've. I would've done it for you. I _would_ do it for you." 

Hoseok hates it so much that Kihyun is in the position he's in, that he might have been or might one day soon be in the position where he'd have to make that kind of a choice. Hoseok would give anything to undo the things that he's done, even if it meant never meeting Kihyun, never being with him at all. He'd do it, if it would keep Kihyun safe, if it would make everything right, the way it was supposed to be with Kihyun living out his life peaceful and happy.

"I'm sorry," is all that Hoseok says. It's all he can think and all that he can feel. It's all that he is at this moment, full of sorrow and regret for everything that's happened because of him. 

But Kihyun, Kihyun is just too good, too kind and too good. He smiles at Hoseok, looks at him with nothing but care and sincerity as he speaks, and Hoseok wonders what he could have possibly done, in this life or another, to deserve him, to deserve Kihyun. 

"There's no reason to be sorry Hoseok," Kihyun says, his voice achingly sweet and soft. "I found you and that's all that's important. I have no regrets. I'm just happy that we're together again. And we _will_ make it through this, we will. Together." 

Hoseok makes a noise of agreement low in his throat, though he can't help but feel uneasy. But he remembers what Hyunwoo had said to him, and what Kihyun himself had said, and he knows he has to accept that this was Kihyun's choice. And Kihyun is right; regardless of everything that had happened, regardless of all of the mistakes that Hoseok had made and everything that he had done wrong, at least now, they're together. And Hoseok will protect Kihyun, he'll do whatever it takes to keep him safe so that neither of them will ever have anything to regret ever again. 

They lie together in silence for a few minutes, until Hoseok remembers Kihyun's tattoo. He had almost forgotten about it, until he glanced over Kihyun's shoulder and spotted the gorgeous design, even more beautiful glittering now in the low lamplight. 

"I got it as a reminder," Kihyun says when he notices Hoseok's wandering gaze. "To remind myself why I was doing all of this, and what would be waiting for me in the end." 

"You won't need the reminder anymore," Hoseok says, reaching up to run his hand through Kihyun's hair again and looking up at the ceiling, up to the sky, really, to the God that may or may not be listening to his silent prayers. "From now on, I'll always be with you." 

Kihyun leans back again out of Hoseok's hold and they look into each other's eyes, all of the trust and love binding them together and pulling them in closer to kiss, romantic and sweet, like they have all the time in the world. 

They make love again, but this time it's slow and gentle, and there's none of the desperation from before. Only devotion, a promise to each other to stay together until the end, no matter how bitter or soon that end may be.


	15. Chapter 15

The next few weeks are a bit strange, to say the least. Hoseok still can't quite get used to the fact that he and Kihyun are together again, well, as together as they possibly can be given the circumstances. And he's still not sure entirely how to feel about it either, because it's a crazy, messed-up mix of good and bad and terrifying and wonderful, so incredibly dangerous and yet so incredibly comforting. Eventually, he decides to just go with it, to see where it all leads and do the best that he can to keep Kihyun protected in the meantime. 

At first, they play it safe, and meet only at night in private locations, usually Kihyun's apartment but sometimes at Hoseok's as well. It's the first time that Kihyun has ever been in Hoseok's living space, and it's just another way that it feels like Kihyun is finally entering into Hoseok's world after all this time. And it's surprisingly sweet, almost _domestic_ how Kihyun playfully nags Hoseok for not cleaning his place properly, and he manages to get Hoseok's heart fluttering every time he talks about how one day, when they really can live together, Kihyun will make sure that the house ( _their_ house) is spotless. 

After a while, they begin to meet more openly during the day, and it becomes increasingly less of a risk due to the family alliance, as many of the family members from both sides are interacting with each other on a daily basis in the service of collaboration and the eventual merging of the two large families. Though a large part of Hoseok begs him to remain cautious despite the fortunate turn of events, the larger part wants to be by Kihyun's side 24/7, and insists that being with Kihyun out in the open is better protection than not being with him at all. 

They can't exactly date like they used to, of course, but they can get away with quite a lot. They spar together, train together, have meals and coffee together under the guise of discussing business, and one of the perks of the both of them being such high-ranking members of their respective families is that their activities are rarely questioned. And they keep just enough distance between each other, just enough formality in public that any onlooker would never be able to guess the true nature of their relationship unless they took a much, much closer look. 

And Kihyun, well, he just keeps being full of surprises, and wonderful little secrets. 

Kihyun is the type of person who's good at everything, so it doesn't surprise Hoseok how quickly he's mastered many of the skills required for their trade. But even Hoseok is surprised at Kihyun's seemingly natural prowess with a handgun; he's turned out the be quite the gifted marksman, maybe better than anyone Hoseok has ever seen. When they visit a shooting range together one afternoon for a standard training session, Hoseok is absolutely stunned, watching in amazement as Kihyun hits the target dead center every single time, as easy as breathing. 

While still in the booth, Kihyun lowers his gun carefully, then places it on the table nearby and turns back to look at Hoseok behind him with a satisfied smirk, pulling off the large headphones for hearing protection, his eyes twinkling behind his large, clear safety glasses. 

"You know," Kihyun says, "when I first held a gun, I was so terrified I almost cried." He laughs a little, and despite everything, Hoseok thinks that he looks so beautiful in his soft, white t-shirt and dark jeans and leather fingerless gloves, a simple, casual outfit, the kind which Hoseok hadn't seen Kihyun wear in so long. 

"But of course," Kihyun goes on, meeting Hoseok's eyes and smiling gently, "I knew that that would prevent me from finding you. I knew I had to be brave, and I knew that in order to make any progress, I'd need to get used to it. And before I knew it, I practiced and practiced and–" 

"You got _really_ fucking good," Hoseok finishes for him, chuckling. 

"I got really fucking good," Kihyun says. "I think I could protect you now just as well as you could protect me." 

"I'll make sure you never have to worry about protecting me," Hoseok replies quickly, his heart burning a little, with pride or with regret, or with resolve, or some combination, he's not sure. 

"I'm serious, Hoseok," Kihyun says, removing the safety glasses and shaking his head a bit to fluff out his hair. He places them on the table beside the handgun and speaks again, his back to Hoseok. 

"If anyone tried to hurt you," he says, voice stern and quiet, "I'd kill them. I'd do it." 

Then, he turns around quickly, holding his hands together out in front of him like he's pretending to shoot a gun, a bright grin spread over his face. 

"Bang!" he says playfully. "I'd get them right between the eyes." 

Hoseok chuckles nervously, the whole scene a little surreal. He can see right through Kihyun's joke, and knows that he's dead serious, the way Hoseok is dead serious about protecting _him_. It's certainly strange, the way their roles in the relationship are beginning to become one and the same, to blend together as their worlds become fully intertwined. 

And while Kihyun is wonderful with a gun, his hand-to-hand combat skills are...lacking. It's not just that he lacks the physical stature and muscles, the powerful yet agile body that Hoseok had so artfully sculpted for himself. Kihyun lacks a sort of mental finesse, a brutal, clear precision of the mind and lack of hesitation that Hoseok had developed over the years, something that takes actual fighting experience to really gain. Kihyun can become the world's greatest marksman without ever leaving the shooting range, but to be a real fighter, he'll need real experience. Thankfully, hand-to-hand is something of a specialty for Hoseok, something he had always excelled in, and Hoseok is all too happy to be the one to give him that kind of real fighting experience he'll need, as opposed to someone who really meant to hurt Kihyun. 

And so while Kihyun helps Hoseok to improve his aim at the shooting range, Hoseok helps Kihyun in turn to become a better fighter, and their sparring sessions become something the two of them actually look forward to with a cautious kind of enthusiasm. 

On one particular morning, they're sparring together at a rather small training facility frequented by members of the criminal underground from all circles. They had arrived very early, early enough that the whole place is empty except for the two of them, and the sky is still dark outside. 

They're in the boxing ring in the center of the room and both adorned in simple clothes, t-shirts and shorts and bare feet and bare hands, Hoseok teaching Kihyun how to work to his own strengths. Kihyun may not have the same kind of raw power behind his moves that Hoseok has, but the fact that he's small and fast means that he can do well through focus, through precise, calculated hits in crucial spots. Today, they're going slowly through some basic krav maga techniques, and very carefully so that neither one of them actually gets hurt, and Kihyun is an amazingly fast learner. Hoseok is impressed, and even a little proud, at how fast Kihyun is improving. 

"So you're going to block my arm here, and then strike here, and then here," Hoseok says, showing Kihyun the spots on his body to hit, and how it all has to be done in one sequence of motion, smooth and fast and perfect if it's to be effective. 

Kihyun nods, eyebrows furrowed in focus, and then he grins, meeting Hoseok's gaze with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. 

"What will you give me if I can take you down right now?" he teases. 

Hoseok smiles. "The satisfaction of winning?" he says. He narrows his eyes flirtatiously. "And maybe something special later tonight." 

"Sounds good to me," Kihyun replies. "Give me your best." 

Hoseok takes a deep breath, then starts to go through the motions like they've practiced, but changing it up enough that Kihyun has to stay on his toes and apply what he just learned to a new situation. And Kihyun, amazing, brilliant Kihyun, sees it all coming and responds to Hoseok's strikes perfectly. And then, even more amazing, he manages to catch Hoseok off guard with a strike that they hadn't practiced, and within seconds, Hoseok is knocked to the ground, Kihyun landing right on top of him, Kihyun's thighs straddling Hoseok's hips and Kihyun's hands closed around Hoseok's wrists, pinning him to the ground. 

They're both breathing heavily, Kihyun looking down at Hoseok with his face flushed from effort, his pink lips parted, and Hoseok could swoon because Kihyun is so beautiful and cute, his little hands hot and tight around Hoseok's wrists. Hoseok lets himself enjoy the view for a moment, then smirks. 

"You still have a lot to learn," he breathes out. 

In one fluid motion, Hoseok uses the muscles in his shoulders, back, and legs, uses all of the momentum of his own strength to flip them both over, smoothly sliding out of Kihyun's hold and pinning him down easily by _his_ wrists, switching their positions perfectly and caging Kihyun's tiny body between his muscular thighs. And Kihyun on top of him was beautiful, sure, but Kihyun beneath him is absolutely sublime. 

Kihyun's eyes are wide and beautiful, and he actually blushes at their new position, and it's so adorable that they both start laughing, holding there for several moments longer than necessary. It's the kind of playful, teasing, flirty kind of thing that they'd do before, back before all of this mess started. And it's the first time that Hoseok has really felt relaxed, the first time that he's really laughed like this in a long, long time. 

They help each other up then and head towards the locker rooms to change, Hoseok unable to resist slapping Kihyun's ass and Kihyun yelping in response, turning bright red and then lightly hitting Hoseok's bicep as Hoseok holds the door open for him, laughing again from deep in his chest. Afterwards, they head by the lounge area of the facility to sit by one of the large, glass windows and smoke, the sun rising and shining prettily in Kihyun's hair. 

Kihyun had explained to Hoseok how he had started smoking shortly after joining his family, partly because of desire to blend in but also because it helped to ease his anxiety, and as a smoker himself, Hoseok understands, but he also thinks it's sad because it's just another danger that Hoseok has put him in. Hoseok looks Kihyun up and down beside him, and Kihyun is smoking, tired, his body covered in bruises from fighting and his eyes weary, having seen things that nobody should ever have to see. It's like Kihyun is turning into Hoseok right before his eyes. 

"I know what you're thinking," Kihyun says suddenly, eyes flickering to Hoseok's for a moment before turning back to the window as he takes a long, deep drag of his cigarette. "And if it makes you feel better, you've become like me too." 

"I could never be like you," Hoseok replies, sighing sadly. "You're too...good. Even like this, after all you've been through. And you're strong, stronger than me, and in different, more important ways. There's a light to you, a glow. It's why you're so beautiful." 

"You're good too, Hoseok, and I just wish you could see that about yourself." Kihyun replies, meeting Hoseok's eyes again. He reaches for Hoseok's hand, and Hoseok accepts it, and they intertwine fingers, Kihyun's pulse steady against his own as Kihyun continues. "And that's not because of me. It's who you are, whether you believe it or not. But I like to think that being with me...helped you to see that good in yourself, even if just for a little while, even if only when we're together. All I want is for you to see yourself the way I see you, the way you _really_ are." 

Kihyun looks down at their intertwined hands between them and rubs his thumb over Hoseok's gently, a calming, soothing gesture, Hoseok's eyes fluttering at the tenderness of it. 

"And I think that being with me...restored some of the life that was buried deep down inside you when we met," Kihyun says. "I can see now in just these past few weeks. You're more alive now. And I'm so happy to see it. I'm happy to be the one to help you." 

"Yeah, you're right," Hoseok replies, squeezing Kihyun's hand in his and reaching his own cigarette to his lips to take a final drag before stubbing it out and dropping it into the nearby ashtray. He looks back up afterwards and follows Kihyun's gaze out the window, to the golden sunrise and the pale sky. "You don't know how right you are." 

Hoseok thinks about the night they met, how he had been feeling back then, and how Kihyun had unknowingly saved his life, and how Hoseok still hasn't told him about that. Maybe someday he will. 

A few moments of comfortable silence go by, with Kihyun finishing his own cigarette and dropping it in the ashtray next to Hoseok's. The two of them don't release their hands for even a second. 

"What I'm trying to say, I guess," Kihyun finally continues, "is that you shouldn't worry that I'm becoming more like you. It's not a bad thing. It's an amazing thing. _You're_ amazing." 

Hoseok sighs, his heart aching. "I wish I could be the person you think I am," he says. 

Kihyun looks at him again and slips his hand out from Hoseok's, turning in his seat and bringing his hands to rest on Hoseok's thighs, Hoseok leaning back to balance on one palm while the other wraps around Kihyun's waist, the two of them looking into each other's eyes as the whole world blurs and fades around them, the sun casting a deep glow over Kihyun's face. 

"You are," Kihyun says, leaning in closer, his eyes flickering down to Hoseok's lips. He lets out a tiny little sigh, sweet and beautiful. "I know you are." 

Kihyun leans forward, his hands sliding up Hoseok's thighs, and Hoseok pulls him in by the hand enclosed around his waist, and their eyes slip closed as their noses brush each other, and their lips just barely touch, and Hoseok is so happy he could drown in it, and he feels Kihyun's breath warm and gentle with his own and— 

Suddenly, there's the sound of the front doors creaking open as someone flicks on more lights, and Kihyun and Hoseok hastily separate, Hoseok feeling like all of the air and warmth has been pushed out of his lungs. They awkwardly face away from each other where they're sitting as the intruder approaches with loud footsteps. 

"I had no idea anyone else would be here this early." 

Hoseok turns around and can't stop himself from grimacing. It's Minhyuk, with a large package in hand and dark circles under his eyes. 

Hoseok eyes the large package suspiciously. "We were just doing some training drills. Are you dropping something off?" 

"Yeah," Minhyuk replies. He sets the package down at the front desk, glances at Kihyun, then makes eye contact with Hoseok and frowns. "Could I speak to you for a second? Privately, I mean." 

Hoseok feels himself tense all over, senses on high alert. "Kihyun," he says, keeping his speech formal and business-like, "Why don't you go wait outside? I'll be there in a few minutes." Kihyun nods, looking at Minhyuk with curiosity, then shuffles past the two of them and out the front door with his gym bag in hand. As soon as he leaves, the silence in the room becomes stifling. 

Minhyuk takes a step closer to where Hoseok is still sitting by the window. "I thought you were against this whole dumb alliance thing." 

Hoseok raises an eyebrow and starts to stand up and gather his things, instinctively no longer wanting to sit down when talking to Minhyuk. "What are you talking about?" 

"I'm just saying," Minhyuk continues as Hoseok approaches him, bag slung over his shoulder and suspicion in his gaze. "You've been getting awfully friendly with someone who, a few weeks ago, would've been an enemy. I know we're supposed to be swapping trade secrets and all, but I see you hanging around with that same kid all the time nowadays. Is he your new best friend or something? A new protégé?" 

Hoseok stops in front of Minhyuk and stares at him in disbelief. They're about the same height, and yet, Minhyuk seems to shrink a little under Hoseok's intense gaze. "You don't remember?" Hoseok asks, carefully. 

"Remember what?" Minhyuk asks, visibly confused. 

Hoseok lets out a little sigh of relief, bated breath that he didn't realize he was holding in. He's stunned but _so_ relieved that Minhyuk doesn't recognize Kihyun, though it’s true that, Hoseok supposes, Kihyun has changed quite a bit since Minhyuk last saw him. "Never mind. And yeah, we've become friends." 

Minhyuk is silent for a moment, looking at Hoseok up and down with narrowed eyes. "You're together?" 

Hoseok's stomach drops but he doesn't say anything, though he supposes his silence is basically confirmation. Minhyuk notices, of course, and lets out a little chuckle. 

"Don't worry," he says, giving the closest thing to a smile that Hoseok has seen from him in years. "I won't rat on you. It's none of my business who you're fucking." 

Hoseok prickles at that, but doesn't say anything, and Minhyuk seems to sense his annoyance as he looks down at the floor, rubbing the back of his head nervously. 

"Does he know that you're trying to leave?" Minhyuk asks. 

"Yeah," Hoseok replies. "He knows everything. We're going to leave together." 

Minhyuk chuckles again. "Well, this just made things more complicated, Hoseok. You're going to be a liability to _two_ dangerous crime families now if you fuck this up." 

"We're not going to fuck anything up," Hoseok says, sternly. "Because we're not doing it your way. We're going to find our own way, and go out quietly. Safely." 

Minhyuk shakes his head incredulously, his hands on his hips and his hair hanging down over his eyes as he looks down at his shoes. "Hoseok, how long do you really think this alliance is going to hold out? When things fall apart, and they _will_ fall apart, there will be no "quietly," no "safely," and you two are going to be on opposite sides of a very nasty war. Just being seen in the same room together will be a death sentence, for _both_ of you." 

Hoseok doesn't respond, and he's pissed, because he knows Minhuyk is right. "We'll be out before that happens," Hoseok says, but even he knows he's only bluffing. "We're working on it." 

"Well I'm moving forward with my own plan, my way, which is the only way," Minhyuk says, finally looking up and meeting Hoseok's eyes. "The invitation is still on the table. For you and your little friend." 

"How exactly are you moving forward?" Hoseok asks. "You talk like you've convinced anyone besides yourself." 

"I have," Minhyuk replies. His voice goes serious. "Hyunwoo's in." 

Hoseok feels his blood start to boil, anger surging through him. "What?" 

"I met with him. I talked to him," Minhyuk says. "He's going to help. We could use someone on the outside and—" 

"Hyunwoo shouldn't be involved anymore," Hoseok says, practically growls. "He's out now. This has nothing to do with him." 

"He wants to help us," Minhyuk says. "He said—" 

"You're putting him in danger," Hoseok interrupts, taking a step towards Minhyuk, his posture threatening. 

"He can handle himself, he can make his own choices," Minhyuk replies, not backing down this time. "He's a big boy, Hoseok." 

Hoseok takes a step closer, his hands balled into fists at his sides. He's seething now. "You remember what happened that night, Minhyuk? The last time someone was caught. The last time _you_ got someone caught." 

"I know, Hoseok. I—" 

" _Do_ you remember, Minhyuk?" Hoseok challenges. "Because it sure doesn't seem like you—" 

"Of course I do!" Minhyuk shouts suddenly, tears springing to his eyes. 

Hoseok is a little taken aback, his anger subsiding somewhat. He understands Minhyuk's reaction given their history together, everything that's happened. _That_ night, the _incident_ that they still can't talk about. It still hurts, even after all this time, and Hoseok knows that however much pain the memory conjures for him, for Minhyuk it's certainly a million times worse, _unimaginably_ worse. Hoseok feels almost guilty for bringing it up. Almost. 

"He was your acquaintance, Hoseok. He was your colleague and a friendly face to you, and to Hyunwoo. But to me, he was my bestfriend. My _best_ friend," Minhyuk says, breathing slowly and swiping his hands over his eyes to wipe away the tears. "And you don't even know the whole story." 

Hoseok frowns, does his best not to let his naturally gentle heart succumb to Minhyuk looking rather pathetic, because after all, he's still pissed at him and Minhyuk doesn't deserve his sympathy, not at the moment anyway. 

"You asked last time I saw you, why I hate you so much?" Minhyuk starts, and Hoseok feels suddenly nauseous at Minhyuk's tone. "I _don't_ hate you. I never hated you, and I won't ever hate you. But I'm still angry. And I still haven't forgiven you." 

Minhyuk meets Hoseok's eyes and he looks pained and Hoseok sees a glimmer of the person he used to know, the person that Hyunwoo was friends with and that Hoseok himself was _almost_ friends with, but it's quickly overshadowed by anger and betrayal. 

"That night, you held me back. You held me back!" Minhyuk exclaims, taking a step closer to Hoseok, his eyes wide and emotional. "And then, after...you just left me there! I had just lost him, and I needed help, and you just ran off and left me there! And you blamed me for everything! You still blame me for it!" 

"Because it was your fault!" Hoseok yells. Whatever bit of momentary pity he felt for Minhyuk dissipates as the memories come flooding back. "And I held you back to save your life, and you know it!" 

Minhyuk doesn't shrink the way he did before, but he grows quiet and somber. Sad, even. 

He sighs and breaks eye contact, gaze dropping down to his shoes. "Hoseok, don't you see? If we do nothing, if we ignore it, or if we only think of ourselves, it's going to happen again." 

Hoseok can see now how exhausted Minhyuk is. He had noticed the dark circles under his eyes before, but now he sees how thin he's become, how weary and worn-down. The past few years have taken a toll on them, on all of them. 

"We have a duty to end this," Minhyuk says. 

Hoseok doesn't say anything, but he finally unclenches his fists and sighs, and suddenly, he feels as weary and worn-down as Minhyuk looks. 

"We used to be friends too, Hoseok," Minhyuk goes on. "Don't you remember that? You used to trust me." 

At that, Hoseok can't help but scoff. Sure, they have a history, but calling the two of them "friends" is definitely reaching. And Hoseok certainly never trusted him. He doubts Minhyuk ever trusted _him_ either. 

"You and I were never friends," Hoseok says bitterly, speaking his thoughts aloud. "And this...what you're doing...it's only going to end badly. It always does." 

"It _will_ be different this time," Minhyuk insists, pleading. "This time we're ready. This time nobody's getting hurt." 

"Leave me out of it," Hoseok replies, firmly. He's getting really tired of this same, stupid argument. "Leave Kihyun out of it. We'll do things our own way." 

With that, he pushes past Minhyuk towards the front door, but stops right behind him, his back turned to Minhyuk and the muscles in his back tense and tight. 

"If anything happens to Hyunwoo," Hoseok says over his shoulder, "mark my words. You're not going to want to show your face to me." 

"Hoseok..." Minhyuk starts, turning to face Hoseok and reaching out a timid hand as if to touch his shoulder. 

"And if anything happens to Kihyun," Hoseok continues, turning halfway around to look Minhyuk straight in his eyes, "I'll make you _wish_ you were dead. You'll beg me to kill you, I can promise you that." 

To his credit, Minhyuk only shrinks a little at Hoseok's terrifying gaze. He lowers his hand and Hoseok can see once again, for just a moment, glimmers of the person he used to know, someone who died over two years ago on that one particular night. 

"You act like I throw away lives, Hoseok," Minhyuk says. "I care about saving everyone." 

Hoseok watches then as Minhyuk closes up internally, as the walls come back up, as the mask and the veil of poison and bitterness and hostility shrouds over Minhyuk's features once again. 

"Even your little fuck-buddy," Minhyuk finishes, scoffing. 

At that, Hoseok can't stop himself from swinging the full force of his right arm, and his closed, powerful fist, right into Minhyuk's smug, irritating face. And it feels _so_ good. 

Minhyuk stumbles from the impact but catches himself with a hand on the wall, the other immediately coming up to his bleeding, probably broken nose, and he's positively radiating fury, the same as Hoseok. Hoseok puffs out his chest and braces for retaliation, as it wouldn't be the first time the two of them got into a fist-fight. But, surprisingly, Minhyuk just winces and slinks past him and out the front door without another word, blood dripping from the gaps in his fingers. 

Hoseok just stands there, breathing heavily, allowing himself a few moments to cool off, not wanting to waste another moment or another ounce of feeling on what just happened, and so he shakes his head a bit to clear his mind before heading outside to reunite with Kihyun. 

And when he steps out into the morning brightness, Kihyun is leaning up against the brick wall next to the front door, looking perplexed and slightly amused. And so, _so_ beautiful in the sunlight. Despite everything, Hoseok can't help but smile as soon as he sets eyes on him. 

"Didn't go well, huh?" Kihyun asks, smirking as Hoseok approaches him. He pauses, looks Hoseok up and down and when their eyes meet the playfulness has Hoseok's heart fluttering. "Did you just sucker punch that guy? 

Hoseok laughs, a little bitterly when he suddenly remembers what just happened. "He's an asshole," Hoseok says. "And an idiot. And he deserved it." 

Kihyun gives him a look that doesn't look entirely convinced, but they both mutually, and wordlessly, decide to brush it off, and Kihyun nods his head in the other direction for them to walk to their next errand together. They're supposed to be meeting with some others from both of their families to prepare for a big joint-family job coming up. 

As they walk down the sidewalk, relaxed, happy, Hoseok aches to hold Kihyun's hand, but even more so than before, it feels incredibly unwise. He looks over at Kihyun walking beside him and can't help but think, as always, about how tiny and fragile-looking Kihyun is. Compared to many of the others that they work with, Kihyun almost looks like a child, and no matter how much Kihyun improves at fighting and shooting and no matter how strong Kihyun becomes, Hoseok can't help but worry about him, and can never quell the overwhelming desire to protect him from any and all harm. And Hoseok worries even more because Kihyun's with _him_ , and it seems that everyone Hoseok interacts with, everyone he cares about, always seems to end up in danger. 

"Maybe we're not being careful enough," Hoseok says, suddenly. He stops walking and Kihyun stops next to him, looks at him with his head tilted slightly in concern. 

"Maybe..." Hoseok murmurs, and his heart clenches terribly as the words come out. "Maybe we should keep our distance." 

Kihyun smiles sadly, and Hoseok can see that he's aching to hold Hoseok's hand right now too. 

"I know you're worried," Kihyun says, looking at him with affection. "But I like that we're together. I feel _safe_ when we're together. I feel like we can look out for each other." 

Kihyun smiles again. "I don't even know why you're so afraid of that guy. He looks pretty worn down. Not to mention you could probably snap him in half with your pinky." 

"I'm not afraid of him," Hoseok says. "Just of what he could do. He's unpredictable. And he could put you in danger." 

"I'll be alright," Kihyun says. "We're together now. You can protect me. We can protect each other." 

"I'll do anything to protect you," Hoseok says. 

"You won't have to," Kihyun says. "I promise. Everything is going to be just fine." 

They stand there facing each other, unable to reach out and touch each other in broad daylight, but both of them feeling that same urge, that same pull to each other and understanding without having to say a thing. 

"At this point, it'll be more suspicious if we _stop_ meeting," Kihyun goes on. "It's been fine up until now, hasn't it? We just need to take things slowly and carefully, and keep up appearances. And stay away from that guy if he's making you anxious." 

"Yeah," Hoseok agrees, getting lost in Kihyun's eyes and forgetting all about why he was even upset. "You're right." 

But Hoseok isn't so sure that Kihyun _is_ right. Kihyun had said before that he was affecting Hoseok just as much as Hoseok was affecting him, and part of that is Kihyun's optimism, surely. But maybe...maybe it's misguided. Perhaps Kihyun is overconfident, and naïve, and he hasn't seen and experienced what Hoseok has. He doesn't know how bad things can get. And maybe they _should_ be more worried. 

Maybe Kihyun should be more like Hoseok after all.


	16. Chapter 16

The sun had not yet risen when Hyungwon arrived at the docks on a seemingly ordinary morning. But it wouldn't matter much when it did, as the sky was already blanketed in a thick layer of lifeless, dull gray clouds. 

Still, even the smallest bit of sun peeking through would shed too much light on the sinister activity that had been taking place there all night, and so by the time Hyungwon arrived, the work was nearly finished, all treachery to be obscured, hidden away until the sun set once again. 

The smell of the salt water from the bay beneath his feet and the acrid smoke from the nearby factories and warehouses made Hyungwon's head spin as he breathed it in, the noise of all of the innocent life of the city waking up around him bizarre and surreal, the people oblivious to everything that was happening right beneath their noses. 

It was warm out, and sickly humid. The damp wood of the pier was rickety and slightly sticky, creaking beneath Hyungwon's shoes as he walked closer to the water, and the whole thing seemed to bob slightly up and down with the movement of the small waves beneath it, the structure of the splintered wooden planks losing its integrity little by little over the years. 

The trucks were parked in their usual spot, tucked away at the edge of the dock. As Hyungwon approached, he watched as dozens of lower family grunts went back and forth from small boats docked along the edge of the pier to the trucks, transporting large crates and containers on carts, whatever inside the boxes completely concealed and locked away. They would be delivered to several secret warehouses scattered across the city, and there could have be any number of things inside. Weapons, drugs, exotic birds smuggled in from abroad. That's not why Hyungwon was there though. 

Hyungwon was there for Minhyuk, and he was there with good news. 

As Hyungwon got closer to all of the activity, he finally spotted his friend and colleague, sitting perched atop an empty wooden crate, his long, thin legs crossed, his back hunched over slightly as he stared off into space, smoking and clearly deep in thought. Like Hyungwon himself, Minhyuk had a pretty face, much too pretty and quite out of place in their line of work. 

At that moment, Minhyuk finally looked up and acknowledged Hyungwon's presence with a small smile, patting the second wooden crate beside him, a spot for Hyungwon to sit while they talked. They were both generally so busy that they could only meet while at least one of them was working, but it was usually not much of an issue, especially on that particular morning and at that particular place, when all else present were so distracted with their own tasks that nobody would pay much attention to their conversation, not even able to hear it over the sounds of shouting and engines and the loading of the trucks. 

Hyungwon sat carefully beside his friend, who immediately offered him a cigarette. Hyungwon accepted it gratefully, a few moments of silence passing as Hyungwon placed it between his lips and then leaned in for Minhyuk to light it. He then took a deep drag, exhaling out a thick puff of smoke before finally speaking, a twinkle in his eye. 

"I found out all of the information we need, and I got everything signed and approved," Hyungwon said. He pulled out a large envelope, clearly stuffed with documents, from inside his jacket and handed it to Minhyuk with a small smile. "I think we might actually be able to do this." 

Minhyuk didn't say anything right away, but smiled in response as he opened the top flap of the envelope and peered inside, thumbing through the papers briefly before closing it again and looking back up at Hyungwon. "I think you might be right," he said, finally. "You did well." 

Hyungwon chuckled. "I always do." 

"You always do," Minhyuk agreed. 

They spent the rest of their time there together that morning watching over everything in comfortable silence, and at peace for the first time in a long time. It seemed that things were finally looking up for them, and that soon, everything that they were working for would come to fruition, their long-held hopes for the future finally realized. 

And as the sun rose, even on that dull, gray morning, Hyungwon knew that something new was dawning, and a new chapter in their lives was about to begin. 

\---------- 

Back in the present, however, things are stagnant for Hoseok and Kihyun. That is, any plans they have of leaving are, with little progress made over the next few weeks. 

But the truth is, it's not really such a bad thing, and it's pretty easy to ignore when they're together most days, and _all_ nights, their physical relationship as passionate and heated as ever, and a welcome distraction from the slow but surely building tension crushing them in from all sides, the suspicious quiet, the constant, aching wait for the other shoe to drop and destroy the unexpected happiness they've found together. 

However, at that moment, all they can feel and all they can think about is each other. They're lying in bed together, post-coital and on their backs, feeling hot and loose and boneless, staring up at the ceiling with flushed faces and chests heaving with heavy breaths, their hands clasped between them underneath the sheets and squeezing tightly, pulses racing beneath their fingers. 

The odd, seeming stability to their situation had given Hoseok some strange sort of confidence, and he had found himself feeling a little adventurousthat night, the sex less desperate than usual, less of an emotional _need_ to hold on to Kihyun oh so tightly, and instead, it had been _fun_ , and exciting, and _wild_ , even. An indulgence, a _pleasure_ more than an expression of devotion. 

He had taken Kihyun from behind for the first time since their reunion, Kihyun on all fours and Hoseok sitting up and back on his knees, gripping onto Kihyun's hips and pounding into him, intense and hot and hard, the bed creaking and Kihyun screaming in pleasure with tears in his eyes. It had culminated in Kihyun sitting up and back on his own knees, leaning his back on Hoseok's chest with Hoseok still inside of him and thrusting aggressively up and into his body, Kihyun's arms reaching up and behind himself to wrap around Hoseok's shoulders while Hoseok had his arms around Kihyun's waist, one hand tugging on Kihyun's cock and the other rubbing over his chest, Kihyun turning his face sideways and moaning right into Hoseok's ear. 

They had come all over each other and crying out in tandem, their bodies convulsing together, joined into a single entity, and the two of them had collapsed into a heap of hot limbs and oversensitive nerves, hot and tingling all over with seemingly endless little bursts of pleasure. It had felt like heaven, like momentarily reaching paradise together and getting just one glimpse of its sublime beauty, though for Hoseok, he had already found it in Kihyun's body and it's sweet, sweet heat. 

And now, that heat has cooled to a pleasant simmer, a pleasant buzzing of the nerves, and Hoseok finally releases Kihyun's hand from his hold, turning over to lie on his side to face him. Kihyun looks over at him and does the same, the two of them curling into each other as Hoseok wraps his arms around Kihyun's waist and pulls him in closer, Kihyun's hands reaching for Hoseok's cheeks and pulling him in for a long, passionate kiss, his breath warm and heavy as he pants into Hoseok's mouth. 

They make out like that for a long while, relaxed and messy and slow, tasting every inch of each other's mouths until Hoseok feels dizzy and drunk, like his mind was dunked in honey. When they finally separate and their eyes flicker open to meet each other, Kihyun's pupils are dilated and his eyes half-lidded and Hoseok is left in awe, breathless and reverent as always. 

"Hoseok," Kihyun breathes out, still panting. "That was _so_ hot." 

" _You're_ so hot," Hoseok replies. He closes his eyes and leans forward to kiss Kihyun again, open-mouthed and wet and deep, drinking in Kihyun's moans and soft noises like they're the nectar of the gods. 

Within seconds, they get lost in kissing again, and it goes on and on for what seems like hours until they finally break apart, only to rest their foreheads against each other and breathe into each other's mouths softly. At that, Kihyun snuggles closer into Hoseok's chest as Hoseok pulls him in by his shoulders, Kihyun's head finding its perfect spot tucked beneath Hoseok's chin. Hoseok reaches a hand to comb through Kihyun's hair softly, and his heart races beneath Kihyun's cheeks as Kihyun hums, low and sweet. 

"Where did that come from?" Kihyun murmurs, eyes closed as he soaks in Hoseok's warmth. "It's been a long time since you've done anything like that _._ _"_

"I don't really know," Hoseok replies with a chuckle, continuing to pet Kihyun's hair fondly. "I just feel...strange. But not in a bad way. At least, not entirely bad." 

"What do you mean?" Kihyun asks. He lifts a hand to Hoseok's chest and begins absentmindedly tracing his fingers over the firm muscles. Hoseok lets him do it for a few moments before reaching for Kihyun's hand on his chest and taking it in his own, bringing it to his lips and kissing over Kihyun's knuckles, slowly, before releasing it again, the gesture feeling more intimate than anything they had just done, and Kihyun seems to be feeling the same way, his cheeks suddenly splashed with soft pink as Hoseok continues speaking. 

"For a long time, I felt this unshakable tension, always lurking beneath everything," Hoseok says, and he really just can't keep his hands off Kihyun, not after so long without him, and so he moves his hands to cup Kihyun's face, to stroke his cheeks with his thumbs as he gazes at Kihyun's plump, kiss-bitten lips. There's a drop of moisture resting right above Kihyun's upper lip, and Hoseok has to resist the urge to kiss it away. Instead, he continues speaking. 

"It always felt like something awful was going to happen," he says. "For years it felt like it was always that moment, that moment right when you realize you've made a terrible mistake, and all that's left is the consequences." 

Hoseok sighs, his gaze dropping down, looking at nothing in particular as he goes on. "I thought that the consequences had finally caught up with me when we were reunited, because I had put you in danger. And then, I thought, even if we were together here, our happiness, our _safety_ here couldn't possibly last." 

Hoseok smiles a tiny, hesitant smile, his eyes moving back up to meet Kihyun's, and there's so much trust and affection in Kihyun's gaze, and for the first time in a long while, instead of guilt at seeing that look directed towards him, Hoseok feels _happiness_ , pure happiness. 

"It's been months now," Hoseok says, "And the world hasn't ended. I still worry, of course, and I still want to make sure you're safe even in the midst of all of this, but I feel like there's more to it now." 

Hoseok leans forward slightly, brushing his nose against Kihyun's, soft as a butterfly. "I feel like I can finally enjoy just _being_ with you, no matter where we are," he says. And he means it all, every word. 

"But...?" Kihyun says, reading Hoseok like a book, as usual, and picking up on the remaining flickers of doubt. 

" _But_ ," Hoseok says. "I know that feeling this way is naïve, and dangerous. Things may be quiet now, and maybe they've gotten better, maybe we _can_ have some genuine happiness even when we're together, here and now, in this place and this time. But we have to keep our guard up, no matter what." 

"Of course," Kihyun says, "like I said before. We'll protect each other." 

"Of course," Hoseok agrees, smiling gently. 

They kiss again, achingly soft, and when they part, Kihyun is looking into his eyes like he's seeing right through him, and he is, Hoseok knows. 

"Are you still worried about Hyunwoo?" Kihyun asks. 

Hoseok had talked to Hyunwoo not long after finding out about his involvement with Minhyuk, and it had been a brief but tense conversation under the cover of night, in a sparsely-populated area of town. Hoseok had told Hyunwoo about Kihyun, and about everything that had happened, and Hyunwoo had told Hoseok that he felt partially responsible, not just for Kihyun but for all of the darkness that was brewing, and that he wanted to do the right thing while he still could. It troubled Hoseok then, and it still troubles him now, because if even Hyunwoo had never been able to truly escape, how would he possibly be able to do it, for himself and of course, for Kihyun, with only a fraction of Hyunwoo's fortune and strength and talent? 

Hoseok sighs. "I am, but everything that's happened with him...I'm really just worried about what it means for _us_." 

"I dream of us getting out, and having a normal life," Hoseok continues, "but it might not happen for a long time. I just hope that this...peace? Quiet? Stagnation? Whatever it is, I hope it can last. I hope we can have some happiness here together, real happiness." 

"Real happiness can be anywhere, Hoseok," Kihyun says, "as long as we have each other, as long as you're right here beside me." 

Kihyun sighs, and he sounds wistful and yearning, his voice squeezing around Hoseok's heart, but tenderly so. "I'd stay here forever with you. I'd rather that than on the outside without you," Kihyun says. "We'll make our own happiness here no matter what happens." 

Hoseok can't stop himself then from leaning forward to capture Kihyun's lips once more, and in one smooth movement he rolls on top of him, Kihyun's arms curling in towards himself and his hands gripping onto Hoseok's shoulders as he slots his body in between Hoseok's thighs, Hoseok holding onto his face and kissing him over and over and over again, never able to get enough of him, loving him so wholly and completely with everything that he is. 

They keep kissing, and touching, their hands wandering all over each other's bodies, soft noises spilling from their lips, Kihyun's hands sliding into Hoseok's hair, and things are growing heated again, like a second round might be in store, even more passionate than the first, when suddenly, there's a loud knock at Kihyun's front door. 

Three loud knocks. 

The two of them immediately fall still and silent, separating and freezing in place, looking into each other's eyes in shock. 

It's the middle of the night, and besides, Kihyun never has any guests over other than Hoseok, let alone anyone that would drop by uninvited. 

Hoseok feels a horrible dread wash over him, dread and fear. But more than anything, he feels protective of Kihyun. He's about to bolt out of bed and grab his gun when Kihyun slowly brings a finger to his lips, reminding Hoseok to be quiet as he carefully slips out from Hoseok's hold and out of bed. 

Hoseok follows and quickly pulls on his discarded pants, not taking his eyes off of Kihyun the entire time, while Kihyun reaches for his bathrobe hanging up on the back of the door and slips it on, smoothing down his hair somewhat though it would be absolutely obvious to anyone what he had just been doing. With that, Hoseok does grab his gun from his bag on the floor at the same moment that Kihyun retrieves a knife from a nearby drawer, holding on to it in one hand and concealing it with the oversized sleeve of his bathrobe. They lock eyes again, Hoseok gripping his gun tightly with both hands, and they carefully make their way out of the bedroom. 

The knocking continues, three more loud knocks as they move towards the front door, and Hoseok's body is slipping into autopilot, calm and collected with a single objective in mind: _protect Kihyun_. Kihyun himself is incredibly quiet on his feet, like a mouse, as he tiptoes to the front door and looks through the peephole to see who the intruder is. And Hoseok is holding his breath, his fingers gripping so tightly onto the gun that his knuckles are white. 

Hoseok watches for signs of Kihyun's reaction, but there's nothing, not even a twitch. However, when he turns back to look at Hoseok, Hoseok can immediately see the intense and overwhelming fear in Kihyun's eyes, in the slight part to his lips. And Hoseok is ready to kill now if he has to, his body tense and the gun cold and hard in his hands. 

But then, without saying a word, Kihyun shakes his head, reading Hoseok's body language perfectly. He brings a finger to his lips again and motions for Hoseok to go back into the bedroom and stay quiet. The fear is slipping from his gaze, replaced by determination, resolve, and strength. 

Hoseok frowns, shakes his head in return. _I'm not leaving your side_ , his expression says, and he grips his gun tighter, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. 

Kihyun doesn't make a sound as he lays the knife gently on the counter by the door, then approaches Hoseok with feather-light, slow footsteps, looking into his eyes the entire time, so much love shining brightly in their depths. When he gets to Hoseok, he smiles, sadly, before gently prying the gun from Hoseok's grip with warm, steady hands (not that Hoseok puts up much resistance when Kihyun's looking at him like that). He takes the gun and sets it down on the coffee table beside them, without breaking eye contact for even a single moment. 

Kihyun then reaches for Hoseok's hands, holds both of them in his own between them and rubs his thumbs over Hoseok's knuckles. He mouths, "Trust me." 

Hoseok just stares at him, eyes wide, his breath caught in his chest, the concern and fear plain on his face. He wants to trust that Kihyun knows what he's doing, he really does. But the Kihyun looking at him right now still looks so small, so delicate, and despite everything, Hoseok can still only ever see him as his perfect little angel, his ethereal little flower, his beautiful and fragile little jellyfish. And it goes against every fiber of his being to leave Kihyun out here alone when danger is literally knocking at his door, when Hoseok can and should be the one protecting him. 

Hoseok's eyes are shaking, pressure pounding in his head, but Kihyun nods softly in affirmation. He reaches for Hoseok's face and pulls him down into a quiet, soft kiss, a promise. When they separate, Kihyun's expression assures him that it will be okay. And at that moment, Hoseok does trust him. He realizes that he _has_ to trust him, not just now, and not just when it's easy either, but _always_. 

Despite his fear and his instincts and everything he's ever seen and experienced telling him otherwise, Hoseok listens to his heart, and he reaches up to squeeze one of Kihyun's hands on his face, looks at him for a long moment before they finally separate, Hoseok retreating back to the bedroom and shutting the door silently behind him, closing his eyes and taking in a breath before he can change his mind. 

His heart is pounding so hard in his chest, his body flooded with adrenaline, every sense still on high alert for any sign of danger, for any sign that Kihyun will need him. And he's ready for it, if and when that moment comes, ready to give his life for Kihyun's if necessary. He'd do it without question, without hesitation, he'd do anything for Kihyun. But for now, all he can do is listen, listen and let Kihyun protect _him_ for once. 

Hoseok hears the front door finally open then, and at that moment, all he can do is offer his absolute love and absolute trust in return.


	17. Chapter 17

It was a clear, mild, pleasant evening, the night that Minhyuk found himself with a large group of other members of the family waiting on the docks, the night that Minhyuk and others that had been there would soon only be able to refer to as the _incident_. 

It was just past midnight, and while the rest of the city was asleep, the docks were once again bustling with activity, as they had been for the past week or so for an ongoing family “project.” There were new shipments of something nasty or other coming in from another city that night, and the word was that the boss himself would be making an appearance to talk business with the head of their new suppliers. 

Minhyuk, he was there to delegate tasks and to keep track of who was doing what, who was going where, what was going where. And Hoseok, Hoseok was there too to oversee everything as a general supervisor and enforcer. And all in all, the night was shaping up to be routine, completely ordinary, just another late night on the job. 

It was quiet and calm, the water of the bay still and the night sky cloudless, lit by a full moon and a scattering of stars usually not visible from the pollution and smog. The factories were all closed for the day and the streets were mostly empty, so the normal noxious clouds of smoke were gone and Minhyuk could smell the nearby sea. He was only half paying attention to what he was doing, the job was so mindless, checking off items on a list clipped to a clipboard, glancing at each box that came out of the boats and went onto the trucks, looking for the large numbers stamped on their sides in thick black ink. 

303...check...304...check...305...check... 

"Everything going alright?" 

Minhyuk lifted his head to discover Hoseok approaching him from where he had been idling by at the other side of the dock. He had a bored look, his hands stuffed into his pockets, and he and Minhyuk exchanged a glance of acknowledgement before Hoseok looked past him and out into the bay, losing himself in thought. 

Good old Hoseok. Handsome, strong, mysterious Hoseok. Minhyuk didn't really know him all that well, they were really acquaintances more than anything else, but Hyunwoo had always had good things to say about him. Minhyuk wondered if he would ever get to see that side of Hoseok, if he would ever get to see beyond the muscles and the leather jackets and the intimidating aura, beyond the good looks and the mysterious demeanor into those hidden depths. Hyunwoo had always said that Hoseok was surprisingly gentle, and quite sensitive once you got to know him. 

And lately, Hoseok had seemed quite distracted, which was intriguing to someone like Minhyuk. Minhyuk was good at reading people, even those he barely knew, and he could tell that Hoseok was distracted by something, _someone_ outside of their family and their work, and whatever it was, he was trying to keep it a secret, keep it all to himself. 

Minhyuk smirked at that, because a handsome guy like Hoseok, well, he probably had a girlfriend, and the whole scenario was just too cliché. To be the oh-so-tortured hero, protecting the sweet damsel from his dangerous line of work, stealing away secret moments of affection, having the will to love someone even in a life of endless darkness. It would have been kind of sweet if it hadn’t actually been happening in such a dark, dreadful world, and if Minhyuk had actually believed in that sort of thing. _Love_. 

Hoseok moved to stand beside Minhyuk, crossing his arms across his chest, his black leather jacket stretching taught over the muscles in his shoulders, back, and arms. Hoseok had always been muscular since Minhyuk had known him, but he was always amused at the thought of Hoseok working out in his spare time to maintain his physique. Minhyuk had never seen him do it, but he must have, right? It was just hard to believe sometimes, that any of them had any life outside of all of this, their own hobbies and interests, or someone to look good for. To Minhyuk at least, work seemed to follow him at all times, inescapable, and surely Hoseok must have felt the same way. And yet, Hoseok still found time to hit the gym for whatever sweet little piece of ass he was tapping. 

Minhyuk was about to say as much, to crack a joke and tease Hoseok about his mysterious special someone, whoever it was that he was making (and using) his pretty muscles for, when a tinted black car arrived quietly at the dock, and any words and any feelings of mirth died in Minhyuk's throat. His heart pounded, because it was the boss's car, which meant that things were about to get serious. Hoseok stiffened beside him, but didn't say anything. 

The boss exited the car and just seeing his face was enough to make Minhyuk's blood run cold. Luckily, the boss didn't seem interested in them; he immediately crossed the dock to go speak with one of the head suppliers over by one of the trucks. It was only after a minute or so, when the boss was deep in conversation, that Minhyuk finally let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding in and unclenched his fists. He turned to look at Hoseok, who was frowning, eyebrows furrowed, his face even paler than usual, and Minhyuk could read him like an open book. 

"Who are you thinking of?" Minhyuk asked. 

Hoseok did a good job masking his fear, but not good enough to fool Minhyuk. "I don't know what you're talking about," Hoseok said, a little too quickly. 

Minhyuk chuckled dryly. "Oh please, Hoseok. I know you've got someone that you're trying to hide." _Someone that you're trying to protect_. 

Hoseok didn't respond, but his lack of response was confirmation enough. "How much longer do we have to be here tonight?" he asked after a few silent moments, changing the subject. 

"Just a bit longer, an hour tops," Minhyuk said, sighing and refocusing on his clipboard. Minhyuk sure could've used a distraction, even some meaningless small talk with Hoseok, but Hoseok didn't seem interested in anything like that at the moment, and so Minhyuk was just going to have to focus on his dull work after all. 

It was not much longer, maybe only twenty minutes or so later, when there was suddenly a commotion brewing on the other end of the dock, and the boss started calling everyone over for some kind of announcement. As always, Minhyuk and Hoseok both fell back behind everyone else, letting themselves be concealed at the back of the large crowd of onlookers; that was part of Hoseok’s job as a supervisor and enforcer, to always stay at the perimeter, and Minhyuk himself couldn’t help but to feel a lot safer near Hoseok whenever the serious shit went down, knowing full well that it was always smart not to be right in the boss’s line of sight regardless of the circumstances. 

Minhyuk leaned up against a large stack of crates, and by then the crowd had condensed forward somewhat, leaving him and Hoseok at a safe distance behind the other family members, behind all the underlings and the workers, and the boss couldn’t see them from where he was, but they could see him. And with the way the crowd was speaking in hushed but excited whispers, and the way the boss was gesturing at everyone around him to come forward, Minhyuk was reminded of a public execution, and he certainly hoped that the feeling was just a coincidence. 

The boss was standing near the edge of the dock, right by the water, with muscular bodyguards flanking him on either side, and he motioned at one of the underlings standing by his car, still mysteriously parked right by the dock entrance. The underling opened the door and pulled someone roughly out of the back seat, someone tall and thin, their identity concealed by a black fabric bag over their head and their hands tied tightly in front of them with zip ties. Even with their face covered, Minhyuk recognized the captive immediately, his heart stopping in his chest and his blood running cold. 

_This can’t be happening._

His body moved before his rational mind could tell him not to, and he was about to dash forward when Hoseok stopped him with a strong hand gripping hard onto his shoulder. Minhyuk turned to look at him and when they made eye contact, Hoseok just shook his head, eyebrows furrowed with worry because he had obviously recognized the captive too. 

Without even speaking, Minhyuk knew what Hoseok was thinking, and also that Hoseok was right, that whatever this was about, it would be best not to make a scene. And for _his_ sake, as well, it would be best to pretend to know nothing, to let it pass with as little altercation as possible. Interrupting the boss at a time like this, _interfering_ with him, wouldn’t end well, not for the captive or for Minhyuk. This was all about fear and intimidation, anyway, all about the boss showing his power, scaring them all into submission. But it was an empty threat, it had to be. At least, that’s what Minhyuk told himself. 

_It’s just a scare tactic, a warning. Surely, the boss has no reason to actually..._

Minhyuk closed his eyes, swallowed hard. He didn’t want to even think about that possibility. 

He took a few slow, deep breaths, and when he opened his eyes again, he saw that the underling had brought the captive over to where the boss was, and that the captive was then being held in place by two guards, one holding an arm tightly on either side. And it was then, and only then, that the boss reached over to pull the bag off the person’s head, and Minhyuk’s worst fears were confirmed. 

It was Hyungwon, Minhyuk’s most treasured friend. His _best_ friend. And he looked _terrible_. 

He had clearly been roughed around already, probably interrogated and tortured. Even from yards and yards away, Minhyuk could see the dried blood and bruises on Hyungwon’s face, one of his eyes swollen shut, his mouth gagged with cloth and his eyes wet and puffy and red around the edges. The sight made Minhyuk’s heart drop all the way down to his stomach, and he felt like he would throw up, because here he was this entire time, bored and content, while Hyungwon was being beaten off in some dingy warehouse somewhere. And it was a good thing that Hoseok was there to hold him back, and more importantly, that Hoseok was so very much stronger than him, because Minhyuk needed every ounce of Hoseok’s restraint to stop himself from running over to his friend, from screaming and attacking their boss, _that evil, evil son of a b–_

“Don’t,” Hoseok murmured, wrapping his arms around Minhyuk’s arms in a full body-lock, holding him still in place. “We don’t know what’s going on but whatever it is, you’ll only make it worse.” 

Minhyuk fought in Hoseok’s hold for a moment, knowing that it was futile but determined to try anyway to break free. And he cursed Hoseok’s strength, and his own lack of strength, and the entire situation, his grip on rationality little by little slipping away, giving way to his anger and fear, because didn't Hoseok understand? 

It was Hyungwon, and he was in danger. 

Minhyuk struggled and struggled and struggled before finally going still, his chest heaving as he breathed heavily, adrenaline coursing through him as he strained to hear what the boss was saying as he gestured to Hyungwon, the guards still holding him firmly in place. And Minhyuk had a terrible, _terrible_ feeling about this. He wished he could freeze time, freeze everything, grab Hyungwon and make a run for it, far, far away from there and from everything awful that their lives had become. 

But he couldn’t. At that moment, all he could do was watch. 

“Tonight, I will be making an example of Mr. Chae here,” the boss was saying. “It’s been brought to my attention that our _dear_ colleague and _trusted_ family member has been working right under our very noses on his own outside project, a business using our connections and resources for his own gain. And as there are so many of you here tonight, I think this presents a good opportunity to remind you all of how things work, the natural order, since some of you seem to have forgotten.” 

Minhyuk stopped fighting against Hoseok’s hold. He was frozen in terror, his eyes wide, and it felt like the world was closing in around him, all sounds and sights blurring together as the crushing reality consumed him alive, the denial withering away to nothing and giving way to grief and horror. And he screamed inside his own head, but was unable to make a sound, because how could this have happened? How could they have been found out? They were so careful...so careful... 

It didn’t even seem to be real. It seemed too terrible to be real, even for someone like Minhyuk who had seen his fair share of truly terrible, terrible things. But nothing had ever come close to this. Not this, not Hyungwon... 

“This kind of conspiracy occurring right behind our backs, from one of our very own, is unacceptable and unforgivable,” the boss continued. “And because Mr. Chae here refuses to give up the name of the traitor he was working with, he’ll be facing the full brunt of the consequences alone, unless his partner is willing to come forward.” 

At that moment, Hyungwon seemed to sense Minhyuk’s eyes on him, and he lifted his head weakly. And they were far away from each other and separated by the huge crowd of workers, so they didn’t quite make perfect eye contact, but Minhyuk just knew that Hyungwon was looking right at him, and Minhyuk had never felt more afraid in his entire life. His heart burned on the brink of shattering in his chest, because they would never betray each other, and Hyungwon had kept his end; he hadn’t betrayed Minhyuk. 

But Minhyuk, he had betrayed Hyungwon, betrayed him by putting him in this situation in the first place, by being stupid and naïve enough to think that his own stupid idea could work, that they could have a life and an escape. And at that moment, Minhyuk forgot all about his murderous intent towards the boss. At that moment, all he wanted to do was to run up there and hug his dear friend, to apologize and beg for forgiveness. 

But he couldn’t move, he simply couldn’t, and not just because Hoseok was still holding him tight. He knew that despite the chaos, the meltdown in his mind, that he had to stay put. He had to keep a cool head, remember how these things went before he freaked out entirely and got them both killed. At least for that moment, Hyungwon still had a chance. The boss would kick Hyungwon around a bit, make it clear that it was a mistake to cross him, maybe even send him to the hospital, but as long as the situation didn’t escalate, as long as Hyungwon didn’t try to fight it, it should have been okay. That’s how it always went. 

And Hyungwon was valuable to the family, too, not just some underling that could be killed off and forgotten like yesterday’s trash. He would be punished, yes, demoted and stripped of everything, but he was too valuable of an asset with his knowledge and connections, and as long as Minhyuk didn’t come forward, the situation should have diffused, as not the grand conspiracy the boss was imagining but a single person stepping out of line, and Minhyuk just kept telling himself that over and over again. _Stay calm. Don’t panic._

But no matter what he tried to tell himself, Minhyuk couldn’t help but to think that he should have been up there with Hyungwon, to face whatever was coming, the two of them together. No, that he should have been up there _instead_ of Hyungwon. It was all Minhyuk’s idea, after all, setting up a new business together in secret, so that they could finally slip away and escape this wretched life together. 

Minhyuk swallowed again. He felt sick, really and truly sick with fear. 

A few tense moments of silence passed and then, the boss gestured again at one of the underlings to bring him a small, black box. And the next few moments happened like the world was moving in slow motion, and yet, Minhyuk’s reactions couldn’t quite keep up with his sight. It was like, he was seeing it, but he was not believing it, his mind desperate for some other explanation, for it all to turn out to be some sick kind of joke or misunderstanding. 

And it was hard to see from way back there, but when the boss opened the box and pulled out a small object, something metal, glinting brightly in the moonlight, Minhyuk suddenly realized it all at once, what was about to happen, and he was paralyzed again by the emotions that coursed through him, unable to move or even breathe in those awful, shocked seconds where time stopped, taunted him and screamed at him that he was powerless and that this was all his own fault. 

From inside the little black box, then fit snug around the fingers of the boss’s right hand, was a set of brass knuckles, and Minhyuk watched in horror as the boss turned to face Hyungwon, still addressing the crowd of workers and underlings, making some terrible speech about loyalty and trust and the family. 

Minhyuk didn’t hear any of it, not really. All he could hear was an awful buzzing in his ears. It reminded him of sleep paralysis, of being trapped in his own body in the dark, unable to move with some demon spilled over from his nightmares lurking in the corner. Only this time, the demon was real, but Minhyuk was no less trapped and no less powerless. 

It was only when Hyungwon turned to face the boss, staring back at him with fiery defiance in his gaze, that Minhyuk’s body began to function again, spurred on by the life still roaring in Hyungwon’s eyes, his bravery even in the face of his fast-approaching and sure-to-be violent and painful death. 

Minhyuk tried again to rip himself out of Hoseok’s grip, but Hoseok only crushed him in his arms tighter, bringing a hand to cover Minhyuk’s mouth to stop him from screaming. And Minhyuk struggled fiercely, but it was no use, and Minhyuk could only watch with devastation as the boss raised his fist and brought it down on Hyungwon’s handsome face once, twice, three times. 

And Minhyuk wished that he could look away, that maybe if he closed his eyes, he would open them to find that this was just a horrible nightmare, just sleep paralysis after all. But he couldn’t. He couldn't look away. 

His eyes welled up with tears and he went limp in Hoseok’s hold as the unspeakable happened, and Hoseok was shaking all around him. And the worst part of it all was the _sound_ of it, of every brutal blow to Hyungwon’s face. It was the most horrific thing that Minhyuk had ever heard, a sound that would haunt him for the rest of his life and into his own sure-to-be violent and painful grave. 

And it happened so quickly; it was all over in less than a minute. 

And when it was finally over, when the blows finally stopped, Minhyuk went completely numb mind and body, like his brain was protecting him from the full reality of what had just happened, lest he collapse in on himself, by making him feel nothing. Empty. Drained and dead. 

Hyungwon. 

Hyungwon was... 

Minhyuk couldn’t bring himself to finish the thought. 

Hyungwon had gone limp and still some time ago in the bodyguards’ hands, never to move again, and as the boss turned back to face the crowd, the bodyguards dragged Hyungwon’s body away to the edge of the dock, a trail of blood spilling beneath Hyungwon’s shoes. And it was only then that Minhyuk realized how his own body was cold and trembling, and he barely registered what was happening around him as the boss started speaking again. 

“Insolence will not be tolerated,” the boss said, removing the brass knuckles and handing them to an underling, who wiped them clean and put them back into the little black box like nothing had appened. The bodyguards threw Hyungwon’s body over the edge of the dock and into the bay, and Minhyuk wished he were dead right at that moment, too. 

“If anyone has any further information about Mr. Chae’s business and dealings and does not make it known to me, there will be further consequences. Furthermore, I will personally be paying visits to his associates on the outside over the next few days,” the boss continued, and with that, faces flickered through Minhyuk’s mind, the people that they had been working with to set up their business, innocent people. 

And Hyungwon. _Hyungwon._

Minhyuk shut his eyes, tears spilling down his cheeks. He wanted nothing more than to be dead. He couldn’t live with what had happened, what he had done. 

And just like that, the crowd began to disperse, everyone going back to their work like they hadn’t just witnessed their colleague brutally executed right in front of them. And Minhyuk knew it was because this kind of thing, this kind of brutality and violence happened all the time in their family. But it was never one of their own, it was never like this. And he realized then that it was his own fault for letting it go this far, and he was being punished for all of those times that he had turned a blind eye, all that he had done himself to further this awful, evil empire. 

It was then that Hoseok finally released him, and Minhyuk immediately collapsed to the ground, to his hands and knees. And he vomited as his entire body trembled. 

When he finally stopped retching, his stomach empty and his head woozy, the wind completely knocked out of him, Minhyuk looked around for Hoseok, who was still just standing there, horrified, his hands at his sides curled into fists, his eyes wet and mouth parted slightly in shock, and he was staring off into space. Minhyuk opened his mouth to speak, to say something. But no sound came out. He was still crying, crying hot, silent tears. 

Despite their differences, Minhyuk knew that Hoseok was one of the good ones, and at times like this, he was thankful that he at least had someone else who could maybe understand how he felt. That was, until Hoseok suddenly got this look in his eyes, flickering through in an instant, a look of terror, of sudden abject terror. And Minhyuk knew exactly what Hoseok was thinking. 

Hoseok was thinking about his _someone_. 

And with that, Hoseok took off running without another word, off to make sure that his someone was safe, and he left Minhyuk there surrounded by his own vomit and the crushing despair, Minhyuk moving to sit up against the stack of crates as he held his face in his hands and sobbed. And though Minhyuk resented Hoseok for it, for abandoning him there when everything had so quickly so suddenly gone so horribly wrong, deep down, Minhyuk could understand, and he couldn’t blame Hoseok for it, not really. 

Minhyuk had just lost his own someone, after all. 

The shock was still fresh and sharp, and Minhyuk had a million different thoughts and feelings jumping through his mind at once, bouncing from one to another like sparks on an open live wire, each sharper and more painful than the last. And as he sat there, sobbing quietly alone, his presence or lack thereof not even noticed as the world went on, as the work of their vile family went on around him as if they hadn't just lost someone who had a life and hopes and dreams for the future, a good person, Minhyuk silently reminded himself to go back later, when everyone was gone, for Hyungwon’s body in the bay, because it shouldn’t just sit there like trash, and he knew that he would do whatever it took to retrieve it, even if he drowned or died himself in the process. 

And he made a vow to himself, then, a vow to Hyungwon, that he would right this terrible wrong. Maybe they couldn’t get out, but they could fight back. 

And he would destroy all of this, this wretchedness, so that it would never happen again, so that innocent people would stop getting hurt and getting killed. And yes, maybe he and Hyungwon weren’t entirely innocent, but they didn’t deserve this. Hyungwon didn’t deserve this. Nobody deserved this. 

He decided then that he was going to destroy it all, no matter who or what stood in his way. 

\---------- 

The entire time that Kihyun is talking to his mysterious visitor, Hoseok is trapped in the bedroom completely on edge. According to the clock in Kihyun’s room, the conversation lasts just short of half-an-hour, but for Hoseok, it feels like years. He sits there with his back to the door, his head turned and his ear pressed against the wood, listening tense and tight with his entire being for any sign of danger. Fortunately, all he can hear is the low murmur of Kihyun’s voice in discussion with another, unfamiliar voice, and the conversation seems cordial enough, even if Hoseok can’t make out any of the actual words. But he knows too well from his own experience how quickly seemingly harmless conversations can spin out of control into violence and danger, and so he doesn’t let his guard down for even a moment. 

And as he sits there silently waiting, Hoseok can’t help but to wonder what could’ve possibly made Kihyun want Hoseok to hide like this. It’s strange, to think that Kihyun has this entire life now that Hoseok has no idea about, though Hoseok supposes it’s the universe’s cruel trick on him for how he did the same to Kihyun for such a long time. The whole situation is worrying, troublesome, and it goes against all of Hoseok’s impulses and instincts to just... _sit_ here...but Kihyun had seemed so earnest, had urged him with such determination, and Hoseok knows that more details will come out with time, he just has to be patient, patient and trusting. 

Even so, he can’t help but fear for the worst, because it’s Kihyun, after all. And Kihyun is all that matters to him now. 

It feels like Hoseok can finally breathe again for real when he hears the faint murmurs of goodbyes and the front door gently closing, followed shortly after by what he knows to be the sound of Kihyun’s footsteps returning to the bedroom. And with that, Hoseok is quickly standing up just as Kihyun opens the door. 

Their eyes meet immediately, and Kihyun looks absolutely fine, unharmed and content, and he opens his mouth to speak but before he can say a thing, Hoseok is reaching for his face, cupping Kihyun’s cheeks in his hands and checking all over for any signs of trauma or injury, physical, mental, or otherwise. 

“Everything’s fine, don’t worry,” Kihyun murmurs, humoring Hoseok and allowing him to move his face around as he scans Kihyun all over, carefully tilting Kihyun’s head in his hands. When Hoseok finally stills, his hands still cupping Kihyun’s cheeks, Kihyun reaches a hand up to rest over one of Hoseok’s, giving it a soft squeeze before nuzzling his face against it. He looks beautiful, eyes bright and alert. 

“It was just something for work,” Kihyun goes on. “Nothing at all for you to be concerned about.” 

“What was with all of the secrecy, then?” Hoseok asks, worried. “You seemed so frightened before. Are you in any danger?” 

“No,” Kihyun says. “But you might’ve been in danger if you were seen.” He sighs. “It’s complicated. But I promise...it really was just work.” 

Kihyun blinks once, twice, then says, “Just like you don't want me seen by your people, I don't want you seen by mine. My people are just as dangerous as yours, Hoseok.” 

Hoseok frowns, because Kihyun is right, and he can only imagine what might’ve brought a dangerous person from Kihyun’s family to Kihyun’s home in the middle of the night. It must be something serious, surely. And Kihyun seems to understand what Hoseok is thinking without Hoseok having to even say a word; he just gives Hoseok this look of understanding, empathetic and comforting, and somehow, it makes Hoseok feel slightly more at ease, but not entirely. 

“Can you tell me what’s going on?” Hoseok asks, his voice quiet, and it feels like his heart is only now beginning to slow from going a million miles per hour. 

“Hoseok...” Kihyun starts. He gently removes Hoseok’s hands from his face, lowering them to Hoseok’s sides. He then slowly runs his own hands up Hoseok’s stomach, stops to splay them out on Hoseok’s chest, and starts pushing him gently to guide him backwards into the bedroom as he kicks the door closed behind him, their eyes locked. 

“Don’t worry about a thing,” Kihyun says, and his voice takes on a flirtatious, soft trill, like gentle, sensual music. He bats his eyes, his dark eyelashes fanning prettily over his cheeks tinged with alluring pink, and he smiles softly, tilting his head as his eyes shine with fondness. “All you have to do is trust me,” he says. 

“I do trust you,” Hoseok says, looking deep into Kihyun’s eyes. His own eyes go half-lidded as Kihyun begins to run his hands over Hoseok’s chest slowly, thumbing at his nipples as he keeps ushering him to walk backwards. They stop right at the edge of Kihyun’s bed, Kihyun’s hands traveling up in smooth lines to grip onto Hoseok’s shoulders, and Hoseok’s hands moving naturally, one down to rest on Kihyun’s hip and the other moving to rest back on Kihyun’s face. He runs his thumb over Kihyun’s cheek, soft and supple like silk. 

“I trust you more than anyone or anything,” Hoseok says, gently stroking the sensitive skin beneath Kihyun’s eye. “What I don’t trust is the world we live in.” 

“Hoseok...” Kihyun goes on. He closes his eyes and sighs, slightly leaning into Hoseok’s hand on his face, and when he opens them again, he smiles a little sadly. “I know you love me, but...I wouldn’t even be here if you had just told me what was going on with you from the beginning. I would’ve helped you. I would always help you, stand by your side no matter what.” 

Hoseok sighs, his heart aching because he knows that Kihyun is right. “I know I fucked up,” Hoseok says. “I was just trying to protect you. Just trying to keep you safe.” 

“I know,” Kihyun replies. He leans forward and they kiss, gently. Just one kiss, long and sweet, their lips fitting together perfectly, and when they part, Kihyun is so beautiful that he takes Hoseok’s breath away. 

“The truth is, I was the one who really messed up, not you,” Kihyun says. “You were just thinking about me, but I was just thinking about myself.” 

Kihyun breaks eye contact, then, fidgeting, his hands curling and uncurling on Hoseok’s shoulders as he glances down at the floor. “I had my suspicions for so long,” he goes on. “I should’ve confronted you before things had a chance to get so out of hand, but I was in denial. And I wanted so badly to hold on to our perfect little happiness, I was willing to ignore anything that seemed like it might destroy it. I’m so sorry, Hoseok, for everything. And I know me keeping secrets now seems hypocritical, but just like you had your good reasons, I have mine.” 

Hoseok feels like crying now, because Kihyun looks so sad as he sighs softly. And despite what Kihyun is saying, Hoseok still takes full responsibility for even putting Kihyun in such a position in the first place, to have to struggle with that kind of internal conflict then and now, and it breaks Hoseok’s heart all over again. 

“We both made mistakes,” Hoseok says, finally, after a long moment of silence. He smiles, his hand on Kihyun’s cheek moving down Kihyun’s face to beneath his chin, and he tilts Kihyun’s head up slightly so that Kihyun will look into his eyes. 

“None of that matters now,” Hoseok continues. “We’re together. And we’ll stay together, no matter what. I’ll do whatever it takes to protect you, and to protect _us_.” 

“Then just _trust_ me, Hoseok,” Kihyun murmurs. His hands move to Hoseok’s face, to cup Hoseok’s cheeks, and he pulls him in and forward and kisses him again, this time a lot longer and deeper, and when they part, they only part just enough so that their noses still touch and all Hoseok can see in his vision is the depth of Kihyun’s eyes. “I won't make the same mistakes again.” 

“Neither will I,” Hoseok says, and he can feel Kihyun’s breath warm and gentle on his lips. 

And it’s then that they kiss again, and again, and again, and again, hot and wet and deep, until Hoseok pushes at Kihyun’s lips with his tongue and their open mouths slot together, their tongues curling around each other, and Hoseok’s arms wrap tight around Kihyun’s waist while Kihyun’s hands slide up into Hoseok’s hair as he pushes Hoseok with his hips to fall back on the bed, Kihyun tumbling down right on top of him. 

And Hoseok is still not entirely convinced about Kihyun’s safety, or whether he can really trust that Kihyun isn’t putting himself in danger, but the truth is, all of those anxious thoughts are vanishing all too quickly right now, and Kihyun can probably sense it, can probably feel it as Hoseok gets lost in Kihyun’s heat and Kihyun’s body, as Hoseok actually laughs a little against Kihyun’s mouth, suddenly amused. 

“Are you just trying to distract me from your secrets with sex?” Hoseok murmurs, as Kihyun breaks away from Hoseok’s lips and starts working at his throat, mouthing at the hot skin and sucking it into his mouth, pressing his tongue against Hoseok’s pulse point as Hoseok’s hands pull the robe off of Kihyun’s shoulders so that he can feel the bare skin of Kihyun’s back, running his hands up and down as Kihyun straddles Hoseok’s hips, and the thin fabric of Hoseok’s pants is growing increasingly tight and increasingly frustrating a barrier to Kihyun’s wonderful, wonderful body. 

“I don’t know,” Kihyun answers playfully as he moves back up to brush his nose against Hoseok’s before kissing his lips again, light and quick. “Is it working?” 

He kisses back down Hoseok’s throat and moves on to his chest, all while shrugging the robe completely off of his shoulders and letting it fall to cover the both of them like a blanket. And when he moves back to Hoseok’s neck, Kihyun laughs, his laugh vibrating against Hoseok’s throat where he bites down gently as he helps Hoseok pull off his pants, Hoseok’s hands travelling down Kihyun’s body to squeeze hard at Kihyun’s bare ass. 

And Kihyun is stretched out over Hoseok like a cat as he returns to kiss Hoseok’s lips, kissing him deeply with his arms on either side of Hoseok’s face, and Hoseok runs his hands up and down Kihyun’s warm, perfect little body as Kihyun rolls his naked pelvis down against Hoseok’s, and the two of them fall into a rhythm as the arousal grows between them, and Hoseok’s hands are back at Kihyun’s ass cheeks, pulling them gently apart as he starts to tease his fingers inside, moaning loudly into Kihyun’s hot, wet mouth— 

_Vrrrrrrrrrrrrr vrrrrrrrrrrrrr._

Hoseok’s phone starts vibrating loudly on the nightstand, and they break apart from each other, only just barely, their lips hovering and their movements going still, building orgasm retreating smoothly and swiftly like the tide, and Hoseok finds Kihyun’s eyes, glazed over with heat and desire. 

_Vrrrrrrrrrrrrr vrrrrrrrrrrrrr._

“Just let it ring,” Kihyun breathes out, pupils dilated as he pants, cheeks red and so beautiful. 

_Vrrrrrrrrrrrrr vrrrrrrrrrrrrr._

It’s Hoseok’s work phone, so it might be important, and someone might question what’s distracting him from picking up his phone if he doesn’t answer. Hoseok knows all of this, and yet, he really, really, _really_ doesn’t want to answer anyway, for obvious reasons. What a mood killer. 

Hoseok whines wordlessly, brushing his nose against Kihyun’s and giving him another quick kiss before turning his head towards the nightstand, reaching with one hand for the phone while Kihyun sighs, crossing his arms on Hoseok’s chest and resting his chin on top. 

_Vrrrrrrrrrrrrr vrrrrrrrrrrrrr_. Hoseok glances at the screen, and it’s a call from a number he doesn’t know, and there’s no contact name, either. It’s just some random phone number, might even be a misdial. Still, he doesn’t want to take the chance. 

Hoseok clicks the phone to answer and holds it up to his ear, looking up at Kihyun and reaching one hand up to run through Kihyun’s soft hair as Kihyun pouts. Hoseok takes one long, deep breath before he speaks to steady his voice so that it’s not so obvious what he was just in the middle of. “This is Hoseok,” he says, calm and professional. 

The other line is silent for a long, long moment. It’s then that he hears the murmurs of a voice that he doesn’t recognize immediately, and it sounds as if they’re struggling to say something. 

“Hello?” Hoseok asks, his hand going still in Kihyun’s hair. He’s suddenly got a bad feeling about this. Kihyun’s eyebrows furrow, concern clouding his face. 

“Hoseok,” the other person says, voice trembling, and Hoseok suddenly realizes that it’s Bora, Hyunwoo’s wife. They haven’t spoken in months, and she’s never called him before. He’s not even sure how she could possibly have this number unless— 

“It’s Hyunwoo,” Bora says, and it’s obvious that she’s holding back sobs. And Hoseok’s blood runs cold, like the soft, gently flowing world has suddenly screeched to a harsh stop all around him. 

“Something’s...something’s happened.”

**Author's Note:**

> filling the "gang/mafia/crime" square for kiho bingo
> 
> come find me on twitter @justiceforkiho


End file.
